


Separation Anxiety

by aestaeticism, baeconandeggs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bits of Second Person Narration, But Also Romance as Adults, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Byun Baekhyun x Zhang Yixing, Mentions of Park Chanyeol x Bae Joohyun, Mutual Pining, Romance, Slice of Life, Teenager Chanbaek, double timeline, high school romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-30 02:27:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 46,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19032874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aestaeticism/pseuds/aestaeticism, https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs
Summary: The best thing Chanyeol could’ve done for Baekhyun is disappear like he did. Forget him, like he did. Wish him his best and hope that Baekhyun can be as strong by himself as he was when Chanyeol was always perching his head on his shoulders— when they wore the same uniform and walked the same way back home.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:** BAE048  
>  **Disclaimer: baeconandeggs/the mods is/are not the author/s of this story. Authors will be credited and tagged after reveals.** The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.  
>   
> 
> **Author's Note:** This fic was supposed to be something entirely different, setting & plotwise, but circumstances in real life and fandom life have forced me to change it into what it is now. Which is why I feel like this fic is very imperfect and rough at the edges. It is, however, a story about falling in love and being in love all along, so I hope that you can love it even a little tiny bit despite its flaws. Thank you to G & A for always being there for me, especially in the last year. Thank you to M for encouraging me to finish this fic despite the mess that it is and how many times I just wanted to drop out. And thank you in advance to the people who are going to love it (even just a little).  
>   
> *** Some parts of the fic are written in second person narration, but worry not! It’s not the entire fic. These part alternates with regular third person narration parts. So don’t let the second person scare you :)

 

일초가 일분처럼 또 하루가 일년처럼  
길게만 느껴지네요  
잊혀질 것 같았던 너의 기억은 시간이  
갈 수록 선명해져서 이젠 손에 잡힐 듯 해요

 

You’re nineteen, and the hard part of your life— the crazy, desperate study, going to sleep at 3am only to wake up at five and drag yourself to the _hagwon_ for your extra English classes, all the coffee, the cramming— it’ll all be finished soon.

It’s strange and at the same time a bit nostalgic to know that you’ll enter a new phase of your life and leave the old one behind— the old _you_ behind. You feel that it’s a bit childish, to think that you don’t want to let go of it. That you want to hold on to it and squeeze them against your chest, those damn three years of highschool and the memories that came with them.

You mostly don’t want to let go of _him_. Yeah, now that you think about it, he must be the main reason why you wish you could stop time; you wish for these last 100 days before your CSAT could go on forever.

Your breath is ragged as you climb up the hill— your eyes already look up unconsciously, searching for the window watching over the park, on the fifth floor of the apartment building. The light is on. _He’s home_ , you think.

He said he got sick after trying to take another stray home, so he had to skip school. His mom yelled at him even as he told you the story on the phone. You and him were just laughing at his misfortune instead. His voice sounded weird, probably because of the allergies. He told you to go fuck yourself as you teased him for it.

Your eyes go wide as you notice his silhouette come out of the main door of the building, carrying the trash for the day. You go back a few steps, just enough for the tall bushes surrounding the building to hide you. You feel a little silly, because it’s really making you happy to see him— as if the two of you didn’t meet every day at school, if you didn’t know every stupid, disgusting detail about him, all of his worst habits. Your heart doesn’t race or anything, you don’t have it _that_ bad. But you can’t help but feel the smile pulling at your lips, and that strange warmth blooming inside you as you just look at him from a distance.

He doesn’t see you as he goes back inside, hurrying and stumbling on his _samdidas_ , and you snort because you see him curse under his breath. Probably because it’s so hot that the city seems caught inside a giant bubble of warmth, and the air doesn’t move at all. And you know for a fact that he hates summer with a passion.

You stand under the building a little more, thinking that the two of you only have 100 days left to walk this street together. 100 days of him complaining about his sister’s shitty food, talking about weird hobbies he’s picked up lately and wants you to get into. 100 days of you complaining about the homeroom teacher picking on you, about how shitty the life of a high schooler is in this damn country.

You think you should probably tell him, before everything is over. That you like him, that is. And not as a friend. You have plenty of those, but none of them you like the way you like him. That actually it’s more than like. That it’s weird and jumbled up but you can’t help it because whatever this emotion inside you is, it doesn’t want to be tamed. It wants to explode, uncontrolled.

It scares you to death, it makes you want to hide and maybe forget about it, but you need to tell him before everything is over. Before the two of you take different paths, make a new life, meet new people.

There’s only 100 days left, and the clock is ticking.

 

돌이킬 수 없어서 이렇게 후회하고  
잊을 수가 없어서 평생을 가져가요  
미약했던 나의 용기를  
초라했던 나의 한심함을 이젠 용서해요

 

Reality feels like it has shifted one centimeter to the left in the two years and a half Chanyeol has been away. Everything is just where he left it, but not quite, which gives him an odd sense of detachment. He feels like a stranger in a reality that should be familiar to him. The same way people say it’s weird coming back after leaving for a long holiday: what was once their everyday life feels like it has never belonged to them.

Jongdae is leading the way up the stairs of a building Chanyeol has been to countless of times, before leaving for the military. Nothing much has changed: the third floor still smells like _jeonggukjang_. The steps to the fourth floor are a little chipped in the middle. Chanyeol had dropped the weight of a brand new desk on them when he helped with the move from the fifth floor to the fourth. The same old water bottle container is hanging outside of the apartment next to the one where Jongdae finally stops.

“Does he even know we’re coming?” Chanyeol asks, carding a hand through his hair in something akin to nervousness. He doesn’t want to be there, not really.

His stomach churns when Jongdae throws him a glance and a kittenish smile. “Of course he doesn’t,” he replies with a flick of his shoulder. “It’s gonna be the best surprise of the last ten years of his life”.

Or the worst surprise. Chanyeol knows, and Jongdae probably knows as well. But thinking about it again, maybe this is for the best. Chanyeol wouldn’t have resisted long avoiding their group of friends, and Jongdae forcefully dragging him to meet everyone is clearly the painful, but fastest way rip off that band-aid. Chanyeol looks down, fists clenched in the pockets of his hoodie, as Jongdae presses his palm on the door lock, then quickly inserts a code and a buzzing sound follows.

“You’re such an asshole. Did we really have to start from him?” Chanyeol mumbles, more to himself than Jongdae. Jongdae has already shoved the door open and is kicking his shoes off without care— there’s no way he’s going to listen to Chanyeol’s complaints. Not when it’s as clear as the sun why he chose to start from _him._

“ByunBaek!” Jongdae yells on top of his lungs. The light on the foyer goes on, but the rest of the very small apartment is still dark. The curtains are drawn, even if it’s past 3pm. Chanyeol doesn’t walk in. He stops there on the foyer, as Jongdae breaks in. “Ya, Hyun-ah! This sonofabitch, how are you still sleeping, huh?”

Chanyeol’s eyes stop on the lump under the covers of the single mattress in a corner of the room. _He still sleeps there_ , Chanyeol finds himself thinking as Jongdae pulls the curtains open, then kicks the lump on the mattress with no mercy whatsoever. The lump— Baekhyun— whimpers faintly at first, then more loudly when Jongdae lets out a sound that must be inhuman and shoves himself on Baekhyun.

Baekhyun yells, then kicks the air and Chanyeol can see his feet, then legs come out from the lump of covers. “What do you want, huh? What!” He yells, finally managing to push his head out of the covers while Jongdae spreads over him like a blob— his padded coat falls open and he turns his head to look at Baekhyun with an apologetic smile.

“Heh,” is all he says.

Chanyeol slowly pushes his shoes off his feet and finally walks in. One, two steps, then he stops when he’s less than one meter away from the mattress. It takes a few moments for Baekhyun to look up, his breath still all worked up after trying to get rid of Jongdae, but it’s enough for Chanyeol to feel his heart tighten, just a little.

“Hey,” he greets, pulling his lips up in a smile.

Baekhyun’s expression— the way his eyes widen just a little and Chanyeol can almost physically feel Baekhyun’s breath catching in his throat— it’ll probably stay printed like a photograph inside Chanyeol’s head for a long, long time. It’s brief, because Baekhyun pulls himself together immediately. His face goes back to that trained smile of his before Chanyeol can even blink.

“Long time no see,” he says. “Can you help get this thing off me please?”

“The thing has a name, learn it well you might need it in the future,”Jongdae replies belatedly as he slides off of Baekhyun and the boy can finally sit up. “Why were you still sleeping, huh?”

Baekhyun turns around to face him and only then Jongdae’s face contorts in a grimace. “Ahh, what the hell Byunbaek? Did you drink? Without me?”

Chanyeol chuckles, then lets himself fall to the floor to sit with his legs in the shape of a pretzel. The small kitchenette is a mess. There’s ramen wrappings on the low table on the floor, and an empty ramyun pot. “Where’s the dog?” He asks looking around.

He can feel Baekhyun’s eyes pause on him for a second. Then silence. Then he finally replies, ignoring Jongdae’s question completely. “At Baekbeom’s. He wanted to shave him, he says my house’s a mess because Mongryong sheds too much.” Baekhyun sounds tired and still a bit groggy on the edges of the steadiness of his voice.

Chanyeol hums, then his head turns back to the mattress when he hears Baekhyun make one more sound of distress, followed by a low laugh. “Don’t reply to him first, he’s an asshole. If I hadn’t called Yoora noona he would’ve kept avoiding me,” he glares at Chanyeol as he keeps a firm grasp on the back of Baekhyun’s neck and his face close to Baekhyun’s. “He’s not our friend anymore,” Jongdae adds in a whisper that is really not meant to be a secret.

Chanyeol rolls his eyes, stretching back a little, then throwing another glance at the two boys on the mattress. Jongdae’s sitting on the edge of the mattress, just next to where Baekhyun is sitting up. Baekhyun’s behind him, looking between very aware of Chanyeol’s presence and very sleepy. He’s not wearing a top, nor bottoms despite the room being way colder than advised. Jongdae must notice it too, since he covers Baekhyun’s naked shoulders with the blanket, then pats his knee a few times. He meets eyes with Chanyeol once, then his attention is back on Baekhyun.

“So? Reply to your real friend first. Did you drink alone, huh? Without calling me, you ungrateful bastard?” Jongdae asks again, pushing Baekhyun’s head playfully. Baekhyun avoids his hand, then rests his cheek on Jongdae’s shoulder like a cat.

“‘ust with Yixing hyung,” he replies belatedly.

Jongdae cranes his head back, chuckling. “Ah, I see. You had fun then,” he teases, and Baekhyun’s laugh that follows is clearly meant for something Chanyeol is not meant to be included in. It makes sense. He left for two years. Things are just where he left them, but not quite.

He stands up as Baekhyun and Jongdae keep chattering away in a low voice. He searches for a pot in the lower cupboard, then for ramen in the second drawer to the left. Baekhyun hasn’t moved anything except for the cups.

“Don’t make him ramen, we’re eating out,” Jongdae calls out before the water Chanyeol pours into the pot has reached half of it.

“You sure?” He doesn’t even look at Jongdae, instinctively turning around and searching for Baekhyun’s eyes.

He’s met with Baekhyun’s shoulders instead, as the boy walks past him only wearing his boxers. He has a hickey on his hip, another one just under his nape and Chanyeol can see the shadow of another one on the back of his thigh. He can’t help but let his stare linger longer than necessary. Baekhyun’s skinny. Way skinnier than Chanyeol remembers him from school days, and a bit fairer than he remembers.

“Is he sure?” _now_ he looks at Jongdae, who’s smiling like the worst of bastards on earth.

“He’s sure,” Jongdae confirms, lying down on the mattress and opening his arms as he spreads on it like a starfish. “See? It went fine,” he adds after a while.

Chanyeol snorts back at him, dragging his step towards the mattress and nudging at Jongdae’s leg with the point of his toe. “If that was fine for you,” he mumbles back with a shrug.

“It was just about time the two of you took your head out of your ass, so we can go back to how we were before. I don’t know what’s so hard about that.” Jongdae pauses, staring at him as if trying to pry the solution to all of his doubts off of Chanyeol’s face. “Did he fuck your sister or something?”

Chanyeol’s eyes go wide then the laugh escapes his lips before he can control it. It’s followed by a couple of free punches into Jongdae’s leg. “How can you even think stuff like that dude? Ehw that’s a picture I definitely didn’t need in my head.”

Jongdae whines a loud _ah, I don’t know_ as they both keep laughing.

Baekhyun didn’t fuck Chanyeol’s sister. He _wishes_ it were that simple.

 

 

The restaurant where they’ve ended up is not too far from Baekhyun’s oneroom. It’s a classical korean family restaurant and since it’s not dinner, nor lunch time there’s only the three of them eating, along with a couple of old men watching the replay of a baseball game on tv.

“Man, that military cut is terrible,” Baekhyun comments, staring at Chanyeol from behind his chopsticks and the string of noodles caught between them.

It takes Chanyeol aback, since it’s the first comment Baekhyun makes directly to him, aside from telling him about Mongryong. It has a weird grip on him. They haven’t seen nor talked to each other in two years. It feels like they never stopped, because Baekhyun sounds exactly like he did almost three years ago in a high school uniform and a bowl cut.

He looks completely unbothered by the fact that Chanyeol barged into his life again in a random winter afternoon. Chanyeol knows he’s probably faking it—  he didn’t miss _those eyes_ the second he entered the house, but Baekhyun’s always been a great performer in every sense of the word.

Chanyeol clears his throat, and it’s not even hard to fall back into character as he proceeds to steal a piece of meat from Baekhyun’s _guksu_. “It’s alright, still getting all the ladies,” he shoots back without thinking much about it.

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow under his beanie and dark bangs, skeptical. “Are those ladies over fifty?” He asks with a whisper.

“Chanyeol-ah, don’t brag too much. We’ve heard all about it, the draught I mean,” Jongdae cuts off, patting Chanyeol’s back in a gesture of camaraderie.

Chanyeol tries to raise a hand to speak back, as he already starts to smile. “I-”

“Yeah, Yeol-ah we know it all,” Baekhyun teases again, raising his voice louder. “It’s ok man, we understand. You don’t need to lie to us.” He even reaches out to grab Chanyeol’s thigh. He doesn’t hesitate for a second.

It’s just like a few years ago. All that’s missing is Kyungsoo trying to shut Baekhyun up when Jongdae and him team up against Chanyeol.

“Yeah, whatever _hyungnim_ ,” he mutters, faking an offended expression. “You guys always team up against me.”

Baekhyun almost chokes on his noodles, then he shouts “ _Hyungnim_ , isn’t your joke too much?” imitating a scene from New World, starring Lee Jungjae. It’s perfect, Chanyeol can’t help but laugh along with Jongdae as Baekhyun looks around to check for their approval, while still looking a bit hungover.

“Ah- shut up, idiot,” Chanyeol reaches out to push his beanie lower, then hesitates for a moment and Baekhyun looks at him as if he noticed. He doesn’t comment though. Instead he slumps against Jongdae’s shoulder, his gaze going down to the table.

“Tired,” he whines, and he nuzzles on the boy’s sweater. He hints with his chin at the bowl, as if asking Jongdae to feed him, but Jongdae just flicks his forehead in return and lets Baekhyun rest his head on his shoulder as much as he wants.

“So, what are you gonna do now? Finally enter university?” Jongdae asks, distractedly playing with Baekhyun’s hair— what escapes from the back of the beanie.

Chanyeol shakes his head, his attention going to the street outside the restaurant. “No. We both know I have no money for the tuition yet. Mom’s not paying for me, so… Joohyun noona’s called me for a place at the music academy. You know, where I used to play in high school?”

Jongdae’s smile has an uncertain hue to it for a moment. Chanyeol wonders if he’s just imagined it though, because it’s gone immediately. “Baekhyunie’s working there now.”

“Piano?”

“And vocals,” Baekhyun replies with a very trained smile. He raises his head from Jongdae’s shoulder, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. “Be warned, the boys learning guitar are assholes. There’s an empty spot only because Yonghwa hyung left.”

Chanyeol chuckles, fumbling with his food in his plate with the tip of his chopsticks. “Noona told me. But I’ll be fine, I’m a big boy.” He pauses, his eyes zeroing on Jongdae. “But tell me, what about this Yoobinie I’ve been told about?”

Jongdae smiles, just a little shy, as the conversation shifts towards Jongdae’s love life, and his part time job at the noraebang down the street. His girlfriend’s younger than they are, but really tough apparently. Jongdae promises to introduce her, when she’s free. Maybe they can organize a night at the noraebang with the others, since Bae Yoobin stops there often, to say hi.

Chanyeol’s not that sure about this whole dive back to the past, how realistic the possibility to just go back to hanging out with his old friends is. However he nods, his eyes going back to Baekhyun now and then.

He’s suddenly quiet as he’s typing on his phone— he’s wearing a small ring on his middle finger. It’s really thin, silvery. Chanyeol’s eyes involuntarily latch onto it and he misses half of Jongdae’s story about how Junmyeon hyung is dating this photographer girl.

He wonders what the meaning of the ring is, if it has any. Then forces his thoughts away from it, and away from Baekhyun as he goes back to listening to Jongdae’s story.

It’s not his business, Baekhyun’s a closed chapter— one that was never opened, really.

 

Baekhyun’s back to smiling when they leave the restaurant. It’s already starting to get dark, and the street is packed with cars for peak hour. Baekhyun throws an arm around Jongdae’s shoulders, pulls him down a little. Jongdae huffs in response, but he chuckles at Baekhyun’s words.

“Bear with me, I can’t familiarize with the fake friend yet, right? Not too much,” he says out loud, as if Chanyeol wasn’t there and he wasn’t looking right into his eyes with that cheeky grin of his.

“Yeah, we’re still mad at him for not calling us while at the military.”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes, then tries to throw a kick to Jongdae’s ass, which fails miserably because Jongdae is fast enough to avoid it. “The fake friend will go now, so you can be all close and corny without me, alright? Assholes.”

“See? You leave us! The fakest of fake friends, worse than trash, I swear…” Jongdae goes on for a while but Chanyeol doesn’t really hear him.

Baekhyun’s eyes are on his again, with a gaze that Chanyeol has never seen before. He doesn’t know how to read it, and it confuses him, since he thought he knew how to read Baekhyun like the back of his hand.

“I’ll see you at the academy, then.” Chanyeol says, as he moves a couple of steps back into the intersection. Jongdae is still calling him names in the background.

Baekhyun keeps staring, then flicks his chin to say goodbye.

 

 

Some things change drastically when you leave them, some others just stay the same. Just like the building where Baekhyun lives, or the unstoppable blabbering of Kim Jongdae, and the music academy where Chanyeol had started his first part time job back when he was sixteen hasn’t changed a bit.

Most of the kids he used to teach have left, and those who have stayed he barely had any time to teach them before he abruptly left for the military.

The academy is nothing too special. It takes the whole third floor of a six story building, the rooms are not soundproofed that well and the equipment is definitely not new, but Chanyeol doesn’t mind much. The pay is good, and the head teacher has never nagged him for the way he teaches, though he clearly strays a little from the suggested songs beginner guitarists should go for, and tries to match with the taste of the students as much as he can.

Some of the new kids he’s conquered already with the promise of a beer after school— not that he’s gonna live up to that promise, but it was enough to earn the love of a couple tenth graders. However Hyunjin… well, Yonghwa had warned Chanyeol that some of the kids were a bit _difficult to deal with,_ but Hyunjin is just beyond whatever Chanyeol had imagined.

He stares at Chanyeol with the face of someone who’s just waiting to pick up a fight. He’s young, and definitely in the age when most teens go a bit wild. Chanyeol was probably the same, back in middle school. Cussing on the streets and smoking, hidden in parks that are dark at night.

Smoking is clearly what Hyunjin did before coming to his guitar classes. He didn’t even bother to try to hide the smell a little, and Chanyeol really doesn’t want to call his parents after two weeks of being back to teaching at the academy.

Hyunjin meets his eyes when Chanyeol improvises a short tune on his guitar, then lays his palm flat on the strings to mute them completely.

“So you didn’t prepare anything for today either,” he starts, after Hyunjin has spent the last ten minutes staring at the void, with his guitar on his lap. Chanyeol has taught him— or at least tried— two more times, but nothing has come out of it. He has the feeling that this — Hyunjin coming to class and keeping mum for the whole hour and a half— will end up being a repetitive pattern, and though he likes doing nothing, Chanyeol also likes to actually teach.

“You know, at some point you’ll have to show me if you can actually play that thing. Yonghwa hyung said you do and that you’re good,” he tries to pry. He leans into his guitar, forearms resting on the side of it.

Hyunjin says “Yes,” and he keeps staring at some spot on the parquet as his hands grip on the pick and on the fretboard.

Chanyeol frowns, then puts his own guitar to the side and crosses his arms as he sits more comfortably on the chair. He spreads his legs a bit, tilts his head to the side. His eyes go from the window with an ugly view of the building in front of the academy to the door. A flyer stuck on it with brown tape introducing the different classes and courses the academy offers.

Hyunjin still doesn’t speak. Chanyeol can see him swallow on nothing. He’s relaxed, almost bored. He looks like he wants to be anywhere but where he is and Chanyeol really doesn’t know how to handle the situation. The other kids were just fine. A couple of words and dirty jokes and they were laughing with him, much more relaxed than when they’d entered.

Hyunjin doesn’t look like he wants anything to do with Chanyeol. No, not only with Chanyeol, but with guitar classes altogether.

“Hyunjin-ah,” he calls him once again. “Let’s go get some fresh air. It stinks in here, mh? I’ve been here since this morning, I could use a walk now, c’mon. What do you say?”

Hyunjin raises his eyes, meeting Chanyeol’s with a certain intensity to his gaze from behind his thick, black fringe. “I’m sorry,” he replies, and he goes back to complete silence.

It takes a lot of effort for Chanyeol not to groan. His eyes go back to the flyer on the door, and they stop there the second he recognizes the silhouette behind it.

Bae Joohyun smiles at him before knocking on the glass. Three soft knocks, then she’s opening the door before Chanyeol can even say _come in_.

“Are you guys having class?” She asks, as she lets herself in. She’s wearing a long, black dress and big, vintage looking earrings. Her heels make a noise as she walks.

Chanyeol straightens on the chair, suddenly self-conscious about what he’s wearing, about how he’s slouching. It’s an automatic reaction to Bae Joohyun’s neat, almost aseptic persona. Chanyeol is not the first nor the last to have this impression of her. Chanyeol could swear she has an _aura_ , and she doesn’t have to speak for people to be all lost and wrapped around her pretty little fingers.

“Ah yes Noona, but we’re done,” he replies with a certain smoothness to his tone. “You can go, Hyunjin-ah. I’ll see you next week, same time and-”

Hyunjin stands up, putting his guitar away before Chanyeol can even finish the sentence. He grabs his bag and clumsily puts his jacket on, as if he’d been ready to spring for the whole time.

He bumps into Joohyun on his way out, but he doesn’t turn back to check on her even after the airy sound of pain she lets out. He slams the door angrily, without even looking back. It’s a first. Hyunjin’s been a bit off in the last two classes as well, but this is the first time he _really_ misbehaves beyond the lazy student stereotype.

Chanyeol sighs, as he stands up and hastily closes the distance between him and Joohyun to check on her. He puts a hand on her upper arm, and retracts it almost as soon as it touches the fuzzy fabric of her blue pullover. “Are you ok?”

She nods, then lightly massages the shoulder where Hyunjin bumped into her— carelessly, but a studied kind of careless. Looking at Bae Joohyun is like looking at a piece of art in movement.

“What’s up with him?”

Chanyeol shakes his head, throwing a glance to the door Hyunjin has just slammed. “I have no idea, but I’ll have to find out eventually. I’ll have to call Yonghwa Hyung.” He pauses, then meets eyes with her and his posture relaxes as soon as she smiles at him again. “Long time no see Noona.”

“And so you’re back, huh?"

Chanyeol shrugs, his hand reaching to scratch the back of his head. “I know the hair looks ridiculous, before you say anything about it.”

Joohyun tilts her head to the side and stops to look at Chanyeol as if she just noticed he has hair, or a head altogether. “It’s fine, really. You look cute,” she comments, a bit too detached for it to sound convincing. “Wanna have a smoke on the roof, like the old times?”

 

Joohyun rests her back against the railing, smoking the same brand of vanilla scented cigarettes she used to smoke as a teenager. Chanyeol stands next to her, his eyes on the street below as the smoke from the cigarette he’s holding between his fingers draws figures in the air.

“Was it hard? Leaving, I mean.” Joohyun starts. Chanyeol can feel her eyes on him without looking at her. She’s got a gaze like that, it pierces through. “One day you were here, being all broody and teen ager-y asking me out, and the other you were gone.”

Chanyeol chuckles, flicking the ash of his cigarette off with a tap of his finger. He takes a long drag, then squints his eyes looking down, to the cars moving. “I needed some time away, Noona. And I wasn’t broody, I was just-”

It’s Joohyun’s turn to laugh. She kicks the back of Chanyeol’s shin with the point of her burgundy boot. It’s not painful, but Chanyeol turns to look at her with a pout and she rolls her eyes at him. “Don’t make that face,” she replies, half laughing. “You were all broody, there’s no excuse for that. And then you left, and Jongdae blamed me because I turned you down.”

Chanyeol snorts at that, but doesn’t reply. He takes another drag of smoke, then puts out the stub on the railing.

“But we both know that’s not because of me that you left,” Joohyun adds after a while. “I don’t know what happened exactly, and I’m not interested in learning what did. However… I know it’s not because I left you heartbroken, that you enlisted without telling anyone.”

The streetlight turns red, down the street and people cross the intersection in front of the school. A black Audi stops a few meters away from the building and parks there. Chanyeol  focuses on that, at first, then only lightly nods in reply to Joohyun’s words.

“It’s not because of you, noona. Things happened, and I needed a clean cut from everything.” Though the cut wasn’t clean, not as clean as Chanyeol thought at least. Things got even messier after he left and even now that he’s back he’s not sure where his place is. “Being back is harder, by the way. Or maybe not hard, just weird.” He pauses, throwing a glance to where Joohyun is standing, staring at the points of her shoes. “How did Byun Baekhyun end up working here, Noona?”

Joohyun’s head turns to look at him, halfway between suspicious and confused. She opens her mouth to say something, but she seems to change her mind at the last second. “He showed up a couple of months after you left. He really sucked at teaching, by the way and I didn’t want him here because I thought he’d give up immediately.”

“He doesn’t belong here,” Chanyeol replies without giving much thought to it. It sounds angrier than he’d intended, and he immediately regrets it when he notices Joohyun’s expression shifting from confused to suspicious. He shakes his head, carding a hand through his hair.

“That guy has been playing the piano since he was a kid. He’s very good at it, he was supposed to go to a proper music school. What is he even doing here?” He tries to explain himself, but the idea of Baekhyun’s talent thrown down the drain makes him even more frustrated than the idea of Baekhyun being in the same building as him.

“He’s teaching piano, Chanyeol. And vocals, and he’s good at it. Ever since you left he’s been working his ass of like crazy. I wouldn’t have bet a cent on him, but here he is. He needs to pay his tuition and he needs the money. That’s what he’s doing here,” Joohyun retorts. Her voice sounds hard, and even her features seem rigid. It’s not the first time Chanyeol gets scolded by Bae Joohyun, it doesn’t have much effect on him anymore.

He goes back to looking at the cars. The black audi is still there, standing out like a sore thumb amongst the less expensive vehicles that surround it. “I was just asking,” he blurts out after a few moments of silence. “I haven’t seen him in forever.” It’s a white lie, but he doesn’t want to dive in a more complicated conversation. Not with Joohyun.

“Yeah, I gathered.”

Chanyeol thought asking about Baekhyun wouldn’t trigger any feeling, but there it is, the usual pang of guilt, with the bittersweet taste of nostalgia when Joohyun starts talking about him, and how his singing has improved, and his jokes, and how sometimes he shows up with the worst colds and she has to physically push him out of the class. Chanyeol can almost see all of that, and he doesn’t want to.

Jongdae forcing the two of them to interact was already enough to make him understand that Chanyeol doesn’t know if he’s ready to be around Byun Baekhyun.

“Was he always so-”

“Shall we go back?” he cuts in, interrupting whatever Joohyun was about to ask. She stares at him for one second, then she nods with a shiver. She wraps herself in her shawl and Chanyeol opens the door for her, throwing one last glance to the railing. Chanyeol guides the conversation towards something lighter, asking about Seungwan and Seulgi and what they’ve been up to.

When Joohyun replies he only half listens, adds a comment here and there when needed, and Joohyun must have noticed because she goes silent after a while. Then she pats Chanyeol on his shoulder before going back to her office— as the daughter of the owner, she mostly deals with paperwork, though she gets students from time to time.

The door clicks behind Joohyun and Chanyeol breathes in, then out. He should go home, his classes are over and he has no business left here. He hesitates in front of Joohyun’s office for a few seconds more, before feeling a certain pull— no, more like an itch in the back of his mind. He tries to get rid of it, moves a couple of steps towards the exit then he turns back, and walks down the three corridors of the academy, before stopping right behind the fourth door on the right.

He doesn’t know what he expected exactly. Maybe for Baekhyun to be with some student, in the middle of class. Or for him not to be there at all. Instead he’s inside, and he’s singing while playing the piano in the empty classroom.

He must have one of the colds Joohyun was talking about, because his voice is a bit raspy and when the melody of Moon of Seoul catches, and he should hit a high note, he breaks in a fit of dry cough and he has to stop.

Chanyeol bites down on his lower lip, then gives up and takes a glance through the small glass panel on the wall. It’s too small to see the whole classroom, but big enough to offer a decent view of the left side of the class. Baekhyun is sitting on the piano bench, looking as thin as he was last time when Chanyeol and Jongdae showed up at his place. His fringe has gotten too long and he’s pushed it back with a yellow pin. He’s buried inside a black hoodie— a white turtleneck sweater peeking underneath.

Baekhyun must have noticed someone’s outside because he suddenly looks up, between curious and surprised. Chanyeol barely manages to hide behind the wall again. He closes his eyes, his head resting against the wall and calls himself an idiot. There’s silence for a while, Baekhyun goes back to singing and stopping every time his voice cracks. He keeps complaining about it, and how nasal and rigid it sounds. It’s kinda cute that he’s bitching to himself about himself.

Then Baekhyun’s phone rings, and Chanyeol finally decides it’s better for him to go.

 

 

Baekhyun’s the one who lets Chanyeol in, when he gets to Junmyeon’s small studio on the fourteenth floor of a building in D.dong. Chanyeol’s eyes hesitate on him one second more than necessary. Baekhyun really looks sick, with a white mask covering his mouth and his eyes a little swollen. “Hi,” he manages to croak out— his voice sounding way raspier than Chanyeol heard it in at the music school a few days earlier.

“What the hell, are you dying?” He asks, as he lets himself in and Baekhyun closes the door behind him.

Baekhyun chuckles, meeting his eyes for one fleeting second. He looks exhausted— his eyes watery and his hair a dirty mess. “Fuck off,” he says, showing him his middle finger and proceeding to walk back to the living room.

“We ate all the sushi by the way,” he announces halfway there, not even bothering to turn back and look at Chanyeol as he speaks.

“What?”

“Yo, you really came in the end,” Jongdae greets from the low table where he, Kim Junmyeon and Do Kyungsoo are sitting, in the living room. The sushi really is all gone, all that’s left are two portions of fried chicken— one already half eaten. “Ah yeah, the sushi is gone. Sorry.”

Chanyeol smiles as he notices Junmyeon standing up and hurrying to give him a hug. He’s still wearing hideous glasses, but he’s fixed his hair compared to two years ago.

“Hyung, you’ve gotten hotter while I wasn’t here.” Chanyeol wraps Junmyeon in a bear hug, while Junmyeon smacks his back a couple of times. When Chanyeol finally retreats, he’s giving him the widest of smiles.

“I can’t believe you disappeared for two years and you never even bothered to call me. Hyung was worried, you idiot.” He smacks Chanyeol’s back again, then pushes him towards the table. “Look at you with soldier hair.”

“He looks like a kid,” Jongdae comments amusedly, one arm propped on the table.

“Are we having this conversation again?”

Chanyeol weakly kicks Jongdae on his thigh, before sitting on the heated floor and taking off his bomber jacket and scarf. Kyungsoo smiles at him when Chanyeol offers him a hand for a bro handshake and a back smack. “Welcome back,” he adds, before handing him the box of fried chicken. “I’m sorry about the sushi. You really came quite late.”

Chanyeol shakes his head in reply while taking a chicken leg and shifting his weight on one arm, leaning back a little. “It’s ok. I didn’t expect Mr. Kim Jongdae to be thoughtful and put something aside for me, ever. But you, _hyung_ , I feel betrayed.”

Junmyeon is appalled, and Baekhyun— all sprawled on the sofa— just giggles at his big gestures. Chanyeol looks at him a bit more, as Junmyeon throws himself into a detailed explanation to why they decided not to wait for Chanyeol. “...plus you were the one who told Kyungsoo on the phone that we could start, you can’t blame me for this.”

“I’m not having any of that, hyung, I know I’m not your favorite but...” Chanyeol fakes a sigh. “Buy me lunch next time, hyung. Or I’ll cry, ok?”

Junmyeon nods in defeat, but he’s smiling too.

Chanyeol takes a bite of his chicken, ripping the meat off the bone while throwing glances to Baekhyun, all sprawled on the sofa. He’s wearing the same hoodie from two days ago and no socks— there’s a full glass of beer sitting on the small table next to him.

“So I’ve heard you’re dating a photographer, hyung?” Chanyeol starts, while Jongdae and Kyungsoo get all absorbed in a game of basketball.

“Didn’t you see the giant portrait of him sitting on the floor at the entrance?” Jongdae butts in, half laughing. Even Kyungsoo snorts at that, while Junmyeon is just getting all shades of red.

“Picture? What?” Chanyeol’s eyes instinctively looking for Baekhyun’s, in a habit— an instinct he just can’t get rid of. They were the closest, Chanyeol would always instinctively look for him, when in doubt. Baekhyun must have the same problem, because he does meet Chanyeol’s eyes and he’s there again, with this weird kind of smile curling his lips up— halfway between apologetic and hopeful. He flicks his chin towards the door, and Chanyeol finally sees it.

Junmyeon is wheezing by now. “Yeonsoo took it on the beach. She was supposed to keep it, then suggested I’d give it to my mom but... Argh, I don’t know. My mom doesn’t know about Yeonsoo yet, so…”

“So you have to look at yourself when you shit,” Baekhyun concludes, and Chanyeol snorts again, only now noticing how the bathroom door is just a few steps away from the entrance and that the infamous portrait is just sitting in the right direction for anyone to be able to see it.

“And so does everyone else…” Kyungsoo adds and that’s what makes Chanyeol actually laugh. He ends up meeting eyes with Baekhyun again, and this time there’s a mischievous glint in his gaze as he laughs his ass off, contorting on the sofa until he’s half lying on it.

Junmyeon reaches for the soju in a gesture of desperation, but Chanyeol is the one who ends up pouring for him, first. “I want to meet Hyung’s girlfriend, though. Have they met her yet?”

“We have,” Kyungsoo confirms, and the other two nod after him.

“She’s very pretty,” Jongdae adds. “Not as pretty as Yoobinie, but pretty.” It’s such a Jongdae thing to do, to brag about his own girlfriend. Junmyeon is completely unfazed, he just smiles as he meets glasses with Chanyeol and drinks his soju. After him, Chanyeol drinks too.

“We can eat lunch together sometime, with her and the two of us. And your…” Junmyeon pauses, uncertain.  “well, I mean if you’re seeing someone.”

Chanyeol changes position on the floor, pulling one leg closer to his chest as he spreads the other on the floor. “I’m not, Hyung. I have someone I’ve liked for a while, so I’m still trying to get their attention, you know. She’s a bit... the kind of person who’s not very easy to approach.”

He can see Baekhyun’s eyes linger on him, his expression controlled and very neutral. Chanyeol feels nervousness creep up his skin like one thousand spiders, and pushes it away immediately.

“Ah, but that’s good. That you’re so serious about someone, I mean” Junmyeon starts, just before Jongdae wraps an arm around Chanyeol’s neck in a firm grip and pulls. He’s not even putting enough force to actually choke him.

“Don’t tell me it’s Joohyun Noona again, just don’t-” Jongdae pulls a bit harder, and Chanyeol tries to get him off himself, half laughing half groaning in frustration since Jongdae can be annoying when he wants.

“What’s wrong with liking Joohyun Noona, huh?” Chanyeol almost yells when he finally manages to push Jongdae to the floor instead. The boy doesn’t even oppose much resistance. He lays there like a corpse, while Kyungsoo keeps watching his basketball and Junmyeon looks very defeated and in the middle of having a dejà-vu.

“The fact that she’s never gonna go out with you, you moron. You still liking her is more worrying than you not getting laid at all, dude. Seriously. It’s not gonna happen, give uuup, uuuuup. The girl’s too hot for you, alright?”

“You don’t know,” Chanyeol retorts, a little bitter.  He feels Baekhyun’s eyes on himself.

“I know,” Jongdae shoots back. His tone is cheerful, but Chanyeol knows Jongdae well enough to see the seriousness behind it. And well, to be completely honest Chanyeol knows it as well, that Joohyun is unattainable. That she probably sees him as the boy who chased her in high school. However he’s waited so long, and he’s a grown up now, not a high school student. Maybe... maybe.

“Well, if you ever end up dating her we can go out. Double date or something, what do you say?” Junmyeon is the usual optimist. The usual caring hyung who would do anything to make people feel better. Chanyeol looks at him for a moment, then nods with a smile.

“Yeah. Yeah hyung. Let’s go on a double date. Kim Jongdae can go screw himself,” he says, intentionally changing tone when talking about the other boy. Jongdae kicks him in the hip in response.

“I’m not sure whether you’re an idiot or a masochist, I swear to God.”

When Chanyeol looks up again, Baekhyun is coming back from the kitchenette with two more bottles of soju and a few boxes of side dishes. He doesn’t meet Chanyeol’s eyes, but he’s smiling like always.

“Your kitchen is a fucking landfill hyung, how long has that cereal bowl been in the sink?”

 

Baekhyun gets very flushed and very loud whenever he’s drinking. It’s a rule after his first half of soju bottle. His ears get furiously red, and then that redness spreads to his cheeks and neck. Chanyeol only knows because they got drunk together once, when they were sixteen and stupid and they drank all the alcohol they found at Jongdae’s house. He’s never seen him drink after that, and he left for the military before they could both start uni — the best time for any Korean to get drunk until they lose consciousness. He thought Baekhyun would’ve gotten better at drinking by now, after two whole years of alcohol games and school festivals, but instead here he is, tipsy already after one bottle of soju.

He’s sitting on the sofa right behind Junmyeon— cross legged and all hunched forward so he can hug Junmyeon’s shoulders. Junmyeon lets him be— he finds him cute when he gets all clingy and conceited when drunk. Chanyeol doesn’t get it, not entirely, but he does admit he wouldn’t have the strength of will to push Baekhyun away either.

“That’s not true Do Kyungsoo and you know it. I just get inside your apartment and your roommate is naked, asscheeks to the moon. I wasn’t hitting on him, that was the other way around,” Jongdae complains to something Kyungsoo has told him and Chanyeol hasn’t heard from the kitchenette where he was trying to find some more _anju_ to do with the alcohol.

“He’s a bit like that,” Kyungsoo admits more quietly. “You could’ve just, you know. Come to my room instead of staring. And touching.”

Baekhyun flails on the sofa, one finger pointing in the air as if to say he wants to talk. “But Soo, Jongdae said it was Sehun the one who asked him to check his abs. Right ‘Dae?”

Jongdae nods solemnly as Chanyeol stands next to him. “What’s going on?”

“Do Kyungsoo was all offended because I touched his crush’s abs. I say he was the one hitting on me, not the other way around.”

“It was totally him, Dae,” Baekhyun confirms, wrapping his arm around Junmyeon a bit tighter. “Do Kyungsoo just doesn’t like that Sehun doesn’t hit on him instead.”

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow, his eyes on Kyungsoo. “Oh Sehun walks naked in your apartment?” He stops. “Wait, do you really have a crush on Oh Sehun? What the fuck?”

“Totally hitting on you,” Baekhyun insists, punching Junmyeon’s shoulder for emphasis. Junmyeon whines a little, with a forced smile. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything. Instead he pours himself a glass of soju and oneshots it.

Baekhyun bursts out laughing, his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder while Jongdae smacks Kyungsoo’s back several times until Kyungsoo is smiling too.

“Well, to be fair Baekhyun walks naked when you’re around too, doesn’t he?” Junmyeon asks quietly, to Kyungsoo’s defense.

“Nah hyung, Baekhyun’s problem is not being naked in front of people. He’s only fussy when he has to go to the toilet with people around. It’s pretty funny. Says he can’t. Chanyeol’s the only one he doesn’t complain about. Not sure why he does that,” Jongdae follows, his eyes on the tv— he’s suddenly nonchalant.

Baekhyun goes silent and lets go of Junmyeon’s shoulders as he forces a chuckle to his lips and coughs a little when the laugh catches in his throat. “I’m gonna go get some more soju, Hyung. We’re out.”

He looks like a prey desperately trying to find a way to escape. His face gives him away— he doesn’t want to be there, not when people are talking about him and Chanyeol and bringing old memories to the surface. Not when those memories are exactly that, just memories.

Chanyeol understands it. He sighs when Baekhyun throws a hoodie on, ready to go out, but he can’t even blame it on Jongdae. He’s some of the missing pieces of this mess after all. If he knew, he wouldn’t have cracked open pandora’s  box without even thinking about it.

“That’s not true, by the way” Chanyeol mutters as he stands up with a huff. “The bathroom thing. He’s all fussy with me too.” Junmyeon’s gaze lingers on him for a second, and he looks like he wants to ask, but he doesn’t in the end.

Baekhyun’s all curled up on the stairs in front of Junmyeon’s building, wrapped in his hoodie. It’s definitely too cold for that, but he was probably too upset to think that he’s caught a cold and he’d need something warmer. Chanyeol’s not even surprised— Baekhyun’s always been the type to act on blind instinct for everything.

Chanyeol walks up to him slowly, taking off his scarf and just holding it until he’s close enough for Baekhyun to see him. He stops, as if asking for permission to sit next to him, and when Baekhyun sighs— his gaze going to the ground, Chanyeol finally sits next to him.

“You could’ve just nodded and they would’ve moved on with the conversation, Hyun,” he murmurs, crossing one leg on top of the other on the three steps of the building entrance. Baekhyun just sniffles in reply, then fishes a crumpled tissue from his pocket and rubs his already irritated nose with it.

“I needed some air,” he replies belatedly, wrapping his arms around his knees. “Why are you here?”

Chanyeol doesn’t know how to answer. He shrugs. He doesn't know why he’s there, he just thought he _had_ to be, so he left after Baekhyun to be with him. “We never had time to actually talk without people around. And as long as Jongdae’s with us, there’s no way we can... solve whatever this is.”

He’s trying. This might not be the right solution to their problem, but Chanyeol must be the one to start. It’s all because of him, after all.

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything. He keeps looking away and sniffling from time to time in the silence of the courtyard in front of Junmyeon’s apartment. Chanyeol’s not sure whether he’s just waiting for him to give up and leave, but in doubt he stays. Leaving would be cutting the already thin thread left hanging between the two of them. Chanyeol has left once, he’s not sure he would have the courage to leave again.

“What’s up with your cold?” He asks all of a sudden, carelessly hanging his scarf on Baekhyun’s naked neck. He doesn’t wrap it on him, he waits for Baekhyun to give up and wrap it by himself. He even buries his nose into it. Only when he does, Chanyeol feels like he’s gotten rid of a very annoying itch.

“I don’t know, it’s just cold. It happens,” Baekhyun shrugs, but he doesn’t let go of the scarf— instead he pushes it against his cheeks with both hands.

“It doesn’t happen to you, never did. You’re not dying of an incurable disease, are you?” Chanyeol reaches for Baekhyun’s face in a gesture that feels so natural that he doesn’t even question it. It must feel the same for Baekhyun because he doesn’t startle. Instead he let Chanyeol cup his chin so Baekhyun’s looking at him. He’s very warm where the scarf was, and icy cold where Chanyeol’s fingertips reach his cheekbones.

“No asshole, don’t jinx me,” he replies, as Chanyeol squeezes his cheeks a little. “Fuff off,” he tries to say, but he doesn’t try to wriggle away, probably because he’s too tipsy. Chanyeol _wants to think it’s because he’s too tipsy_.

Baekhyun just stares at him— his eyes a bit shiny for the cold, a bit for the alcohol. “What?”

“Wow your nose is gross,” Chanyeol comments, finally letting go of him.

“It hurts like fuck, don’t joke about it.”

Chanyeol chortles, then he takes out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket. The flame of his lighter trembles a little in the mid november breeze, and he needs to cup it to manage to light his cigarette. Baekhyun helps, covering Chanyeol’s hands with his until it finally catches— Chanyeol doesn’t need to ask.

“Look I-” Chanyeol starts again. He hesitates. He really doesn’t know if this is a good idea. He doesn’t know if he wants to be the selfish fucker he is, and still hang around Baekhyun and reopen old wounds. Possibly make new ones. He sighs, then cards a hand through his short hair in frustration. “If you want me gone, I’m gone. If it’s hard for you to have me around I’ll leave, Byun Baekhyun. And trust me when I say being around you knowing—” he pauses, groans. “It’s not easy for me either, alright?”

Baekhyun’s eyes dart to search for his— he looks hurt, for a moment. “What are you saying?”

“It’s hard being around you without feeling like an asshole, but I want to. If you don’t want me here, though, I understand. I’ll make excuses for Jongdae and you won’t have to see me more than necessary at the academy.”

Baekhyun sighs in what sounds like relief, and Chanyeol feels like an asshole again, because he suddenly knows what crossed Baekhyun’s mind, and the reason behind that hurt gaze just now. “I’m - I’ll disappear if you hate it, I swear but-”

It’s a small shake of his head, but it’s definitely there. “Stay,” Baekhyun says, looking ahead, at nothing in particular. “Don’t disappear again, stay.”

He says it with such determination that baffles Chanyeol, it pulls at something deep within. Something that he’s buried there in a small, hidden corner of his heart so long ago he forgot was there.

“I’ll do my best,” he murmurs, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious, a bit exposed. When Baekhyun finally turns to look at him, his lips are curled up in a smile. It’s a small one, a bit chipped and sad probably but it’s a smile nonetheless.

“I know it’s not allowed and all, but could I have some of that?” Baekhyun asks, nudging Chanyeol’s foot with his— a small glint of wilderness hidden in the corners of his eyes.

 

돌이킬 수 없는  
시간속을 걷는  
창백해진 꿈을  
차오르는 숨을  
promise me

 

Chanyeol always jokes about your first encounter. About you finding him, and him feeling the spark, or whatever it is that he says he felt. Things don’t go exactly the way he likes to tell them, but you let him anyway because it’s him, and because there was a spark, but it didn’t happen when Chanyeol thinks it did.

The day you found him in the old gym building is particularly hot for a late May early afternoon. The kind of hot that makes your clothes stick to your skin like a thin layer of wax and the back of your head burn so incandescent you could fry an egg on it.

You’re looking for a teacher, you can’t remember which one, but you remember you can’t find him, and that you have some paper to give him but it’s too hot for you to actually put some effort in the task. You’re looking for a place to hide for a while, and that’s when you see him, hidden just behind the entrance of the building, one foot barely sticking out, as if to steal a bit of light from outside.

He makes a face when he sees you, as though he took a big scare, then clutches at his t-shirt where his heart is— like you’ve seen it done in cartoons. Only then you notice the cigarette in his hand, and you make the obvious connection. He’s smiling when he looks at you again, with an expression middle way between relief and wariness.

“Class president,” he says, as if it were a greeting. For a moment you ask yourself if he even knows your name. You sit next to him without thinking about it twice, hint at the stick between his middle and index finger with your chin and you ask the question.

“I know it’s not allowed and all,” you start, and you can see a bit of devilish mischievousness bloom in his gaze. “but could I have some of that?”

He offers you the cigarette, and it tastes just as disgusting as you’d expected. You’re coughing as soon as the smoke hits your throat, and he’s laughing next to you, smacking your back.

“Are you ok?” he asks, while you’re still coughing and swearing to yourself you’ll never ask for one of his cigarettes again. “Smoking is not for you, class pres.”

His hand settles on the back of your neck as he’s still laughing, and you feel all kinds of weak when you look up again and he’s looking at you with this half concerned, half amused expression.

You shrug his hand off, but you feel heat creep up your neck and ears when you finally manage to laugh as well. “Never trying that again,” you say.

“I’m not allowing you,” he replies, and you chuckle because _who is he anyway_.

Park Chanyeol shows up in your school in the middle of the year, and he stands next to the teacher as if he just got dragged there by force, when he gets introduced to the class. It takes two seconds for you to guess he’s the popular type— he looks like he doesn’t care, and girls seem to love the type.

Not that you get girls that much, but you seem to understand what pattern they fall into.

Park Chanyeol meets your eyes when you’re forced to stand up and introduce yourself as the class president. His gaze lingers on you even after you sit down again, and even after he finally chooses the empty seat next to Lee Seunghoon and settles there. You wonder if he’ll pick on you, if he instinctively disliked you. If he did, he never openly shows it.

His haircut is ridiculous and his ears stick out way more than necessary. He wears his jacket a bit too big, and he always looks a bit disheveled. He doesn’t talk much, not with your classmates at least. He’s never talked to you, anyway.

You only later learn that his dad got a new job in Seoul , so he had to move from the countryside to the capital with his family— it explains the scowl, and the fact that he looks a bit bored and miffed, the first weeks.

He never looks at you again, or at least you never notice. But your eyes look in his direction often, during class, to the point where you get distracted sometimes. You always fear he’ll notice and he’ll wonder what’s wrong with you, but the truth is that you don’t know either.

Kim Jongdae and Do Kyungsoo try to talk to him a couple times. Kyungsoo’s the one who’s managed to get a bit closer. Chanyeol talks to him a few more times, according to what they say. They tell you one day in the cafeteria as you’re trying not to choke on your rice.

“He’s cool,” Jongdae confirms with a nod. Kyungsoo shrugs next to him.

“Not sure what you guys expected,” he comments, as if it was nothing special. “Some girl asked him out already,” he adds.

It doesn’t surprise you, but you immediately find yourself wondering if he accepted, or who the girl was. You never get to know, so you assume he rejected her. Jongdae says she must’ve been ugly, and that’s where the conversation ends.

He always says hi to both Jongdae and Kyungsoo, when he comes into the cafeteria late and he gets the biggest portions with all that’s left out. It makes you wonder why you all run to the cafeteria like madmen, when Park Chanyeol arrives late and gets the most food.

He must be a genius, or an idiot. You wonder.

You think the episode of the cigarette wouldn’t mean anything, and it doesn’t, not at first at least. It’s been a couple of weeks already and it’s even hotter than it was that day in the old gym building. Summer is creeping on everyone’s backs and before you know it the rain season is gonna explode like a bucket of water poured over the whole country

The uphill road back to the small studio you share with Baekbeom feels like running five marathons in the desert. Your school bag has never felt heavier and it sticks to your back as if you were a snail carrying a shell.

You’re thinking about Kyungsoo’s mom coming to pick him up every day, when someone calls your name and you stop, because you recognize that voice. Chanyeol is running up the same hill you just struggled to climb up walking— but no, the guy’s running and he looks on the verge of passing out when he closes the distance between the two of you, then rests both hands on your shoulders and hunches forward, panting.

“You…” he’s dying. He’s so sweaty that you feel his palms sweating through your shirt where he’s touching you. “I-”

“Hi…” you say. “Wait.” He looks up, and he gets your hint to get closer to the main door of the building to your left.

He smiles at you when you toss him your water bottle. “You alright?” you ask.

“You live here? I see you walk up the hill…” he empties half your water bottle, but he’s nice enough to leave a bit for you to drink. He looks gross, but you must be a little weird because you find the whole situation funny.

He’s squatting on the floor and you pat his back. You tell him that you live with your brother, then he tells you about the guy you always see waiting for him, outside of school.

“My name is Park Chanyeol, by the way.”

“Yeah,” you say, a bit taken aback. “I know.” Of course you know.

He chortles, and you could swear you see his huge ears go red, just like yours do when you’re embarrassed. “I had to ask Jongdae for yours. I’m sorry.”

You shake your head. _It’s nothing_ , you tell him.

You’re left wondering if he’ll talk to you at school, as you look at him enter his building and climb the stairs two at a time.

You find him in class already, when you arrive. There’s only the two of you, both soaked in the sudden storm you caught on the way to school. It’s still raining outside and the class is a bit darker than usual. He’s sitting on his desk, his head resting on his forearms on the desk.

“Hi Baekhyun-ah,” he says.

 


	2. Chapter 2

어떻게 만나졌는데 얼마나 힘들었는데  
다시 만나지기까지 얼마나 돌아왔는데  
가지 말고 머물러줘 놓지 말고 날 잡아줘  
부디 함께 호흡해

 

“Don’t buy alcohol for him,” Chanyeol greets Oh Sehun right in front of the cashier of the convenience store. Hyunjin, on Sehun’s left, makes a sound like a dying whale. He hunches forward and he pushes past both Chanyeol and Sehun — black backpack open in his hand, probably ready for the alcohol Oh Sehun was going to buy from him.

Sehun stares at Chanyeol for the two longest seconds, then curls his lips downwards and shrugs, putting the two bottles of soju away. “That buzz cut sucks on you,” he comments.

Chanyeol frowns at that, instinctively reaching for his head. “The hair will grow back,” he says as he drags his eyes to where Hyunjin is dejectedly sitting at the white plastic table outside the store. “I’m sorry I was late.”

Sehun finally smiles and his eyes turn into crescents. He’s wearing a big black hoodie, light washed blue jeans and some emerald green all stars. His hair is long enough to be swiped back if he wanted to. He’s changed, Chanyeol notices. He’s grown up a lot in two years. Chanyeol remembers him being tall but extremely lanky, much like him. Instead Sehun’s current broad shoulders and dark eyebrows contrast with the image he had of him.

He pats Chanyeol on the back. “Welcome back, hyung,” he says. “I saw Joohyun noona too, at the school.”

“Yeah?”

Chanyeol brings a couple snacks at the cashier — a bag of chips, some dried squid and a can of beer. “Not that she’s been gone in the last few years. The school’s the same as I left it. Though the idiot outside is a new entry.”

Sehun’s eyes go to Hyunjin’s profile too. “He tackled me outside the school. Said you owed him a beer.”

Chanyeol sighs, as he pays for his things at the register. Sehun stands next to him, his hands empty. “But then he wanted soju.” He snorts, more of out of disbelief than amusement. “I don’t know him much, but he looks like he’s a mess. How did he even recognize you as someone I know?”

“He must’ve heard me talk to Joohyun noona. I asked her about you.”

Chanyeol hums while heading out. “Don’t buy my students alcohol next time. Dude I don’t want to go to jail, do you?”

Sehun snorts in reply as they sit at the plastic table outside the convenience store where Hwang Hyunjin is scowling, looking at his phone.

“That would be my beer, _ssaem_. You said you’d buy me one,” he says, his chin flicking up as if putting up the air of a highschool delinquent.

“I promised you beer, not soju. You went for soju, broke my trust. _And_ you went and asked someone I know, behind my back. The trust has been broken twice.”

Chanyeol opens the bag of chips, then chugs on some beer, before passing it to Sehun. Sehun takes it, though he stays quiet, attentively studying the exchange between Chanyeol and his student. “Hence I owe you nothing, Hwang Hyunjin.”

“You’re full of shit,” he murmurs, looking down at the table as if he doesn’t have the courage to tell it right to Chanyeol’s face. And he probably does lack that courage, since Chanyeol is almost ten years older than he is, other than his teacher.

Sehun chuckles, kicking Chanyeol’s shin under the table. “You let your students talk to you like that, Park _ssaem_?”

“Shut up, Oh Sehun. And look, even less beer for Hwang Hyunjin,” Chanyeol announces as he takes another sip. “Look, I share a beer with the students I like. And honestly, you’ve been nothing but a pain in the ass from the first lesson. So no, I’m not full of shit. Understood?”

Sehun’s smirk stays, as he whispers Chanyeol’s words by himself, as if mocking him, while he pulls his hoodie up and buries his chin in the collar of it. Hyunjin on the other hand makes half a careless grimace.

“Whatever,” he mutters. “I’ll ask someone else.” He stands up— the chair making some noise as it drags on the ground— and only walks away after stealing a handful of the corn chips Chanyeol had left opened on the table. Nobody stops him, and Chanyeol is only relieved Hyunjin didn’t try to reach for the bottle.

“Hwang Hyunjin,” Chanyeol calls him again, when the boy’s a few steps away. Much to Chanyeol’s surprise Hyunjin stops, though looking back with pure annoyance in his gaze. “I’ll buy you a beer if you play that guitar for me, next time. Mh?”

The boy doesn’t reply and simply walks away without looking back again. He looks very young in his oversized jean jacket and the run me down jeans. Chanyeol keeps an eye on him until he crosses the street and disappears in an alleyway.

“Will you really buy him a beer if he plays?” Sehun asks, taking another sip of beer from the can.

“Nope. Though I’m thinking that maybe I should. It’s better if he gets it from me, than some random dude he meets on the street, I don’t know.”

“Not that you were much better, hyung. You asked my hyung to buy you cigarettes,” Sehun insists. He always knows where to nitpick, the bastard.

“Nonsense, I knew your brother.”

“Not when you asked him the first time.”

Chanyeol breathes out of his nose, more amused than annoyed. “How’ve you been?” He asks after a few moments of silence.

Sehun takes a while to reply, while rolling one of the corn chips on the table. It’s too cold and his hands are getting red, but Sehun doesn’t seem to care. “The usual, hyung. Haven’t the other hyungs told you? Nothing much has changed.”

“I hear Junmyeon hyung has gotten himself a girlfriend,” Chanyeol comments distractedly, as his eyes goes to the pitch black november sky.

“Yeonsoo noona. She’s pretty cool. I modeled for her once. I needed a bit of money and she happened to tell Junmyeonie-hyung she needed a male model. And you know how Junmyeonie hyung is short as fuck, so he couldn’t.”

Chanyeol chuckles, his hand scratching the fabric of his jeans. “He won’t like it when I tell him you said that.”

“Well, he _is_ short as fuck.”

“He’s...unusually not tall. C’mon. And Kyungsoo is short too, but you don’t call him short as fuck.” Sehun doesn’t have anything to say to that. He takes another sip of beer, munches on a couple corn chips. There’s a few moments of comfortable silence— Sehun checking his phone, Chanyeol tracing the edge of the table with his fingertips.

“Have you seen Byun Baekhyun a lot in the past two years?” Chanyeol hears himself ask before he realizes his question is a bit out of place. Sehun seems to think the same, because he looks up and keeps mum for a while.

“I haven’t seen him a lot, no. Just when I hung out with Jongdae hyung and the others, and he’s not always there.”

“Ah.”

Not that he expected a different reply or anything. He just doesn’t know what to say. “Mh,” he adds, after. “He works here, you know?”

“I know. It’s been a while. I also know maybe you don’t want to go there, hyung. I mean, you know. After all that shit, do you really…?”

Chanyeol frowns, then shakes his head a few times. “Well we’ve met already. Courtesy of Kim Jongdae, otherwise nope. I wouldn’t _have gone there,_ ” he stresses at the end. “I thought…” he pauses. “I thought he would’ve been a bit different.”

Sehun shrugs, as if downplaying Chanyeol’s words. “Nope, he’s the same. Just as loud and quiet at the same time. Just skinnier I’d say.”

Sehun’s description of Baekhyun is so realistic it hurts. Chanyeol makes a small smile at it, as he makes himself fall further down on the plastic chair — his long legs reaching and going way past the end of the table from underneath.

“I wanna ask Bae Joohyun out,” Chanyeol blurts out all of a sudden. It feels even more out of place than the question about Baekhyun, but at least it helps not thinking about Baekhyun for a moment. Baekhyun’s like an itch in the back of his head, constantly there. It has been for the past two years. It drains him like nothing else does.

“That doesn’t make much sense after what happened last time you tried that.”

“That’s what everyone has been saying.”

“Because that’s what every person with a bit of brain would think, hyung. But I mean…” Sehun’s eyes linger on Chanyeol for a while, as if he’s forcefully avoiding words he would say otherwise. “... it doesn’t look like you’re asking my opinion about it.”

Wasn’t he? Probably Sehun’s right. He wasn’t exactly asking for advice. He doesn’t need any. Things with Bae Joohyun are always easy. She either likes him or she doesn’t, and she either say yes or she says no. Chanyeol knows he’s one to go for the easy path.

“She’ll say no, by the way.”

Sehun says it with such confidence that it makes Chanyeol mad. He smacks him on the shoulder— though not enough to really hurt him. “You don’t know.”

  


공기가 부드럽고  
향기가 가득했던  
심장속까지 헐벗은 나의 추위를 녹여주던

 

 

It’s a little after dinner when Chanyeol knocks on the door of the recording studio on the the third floor of the academy building. He can hear Joohyun’s voice from inside telling him to come in, followed by a male voice he could recognize anywhere.

“I came to report for duty,” he greets extremely seriously, but with a vein of amusement in his tone. “Seeing you next to Joohyun noona is not pleasant to the eye, Woo Jiho.” He turns his head towards Joohyun immediately after, as he walks in the room taking off his baseball cap. “He’s dangerous noona, don’t get too close.”

“Trust me Park Chanyeol, he’s the one who should be afraid of me.” Joohyun says it with such detachment and calm that it makes a chill run down Chanyeol’s spine. Jiho pushes his chair back a little with an overly dramatic expression.

“You know I love you noona, huh?” He reminds her, while Chanyeol stares at him intently. Jiho stands up soon after, reaching for half a hug, a pat on the back and a very bro-like handshake with Chanyeol. “I can’t believe you’re back! I was gonna contact you one of these days, ask you where the hell you’ve been.”

“Here and there, mostly the army. Where you should hurry up and go, by the way. It’s embarrassing when you meet with people more than a few years younger than you, trust me.”

Jiho grimaces in response and flaps his hands before going back to sit on the same chair, next to Joohyun. He moves his ass just a little towards the edge, so that Chanyeol can sit next to him on the same chair.  

“Why did you call, noona?” Chanyeol asks, while half pushing Jiho playfully.

Joohyun sits back in the swivel chair— the long silk dress she’s wearing is black with red flowers and it moves when she crosses one leg over the other. She rests her chin on her hand, and Chanyeol thinks once again she seems to move in slow motion, thinks she’s almost inhuman. When she finally speaks he barely realizes he should be listening.

“Jiho and I were reviewing the songs for the new year concert we’re holding in December,” she says, her eyes on Chanyeol, then Jiho, then the screen again. “There’s a couple of students who seem to have caught the eye of important people, so we want those students to have a little more time on stage compared to the others.”

“Alright, it makes sense,” Chanyeol nods a couple times, his eyes following Joohyun’s towards the computer screen. “What do you need me for, then?”

“I’d like to arrange these two tracks so that one of the two has more of a rock vibe to it, and the other is jazzier instead. For the guys who we think could make decent rappers, Jiho’s been helping them already so you wouldn’t have to worry about that.” She swallows on nothing, then pulls up her lips in a small smile. “What do you think?”

The students Joohyun is talking about are three, two of them being eyed by S. Ent. and the third by J. Ent. They have very different vocal colors, and Chanyeol hasn’t directly worked with any of them and none of them are his students either.

“These were suggested by the other vocal coaches,” she explains, then looks at him briefly, as she plays the first track on her laptop. It takes a while for Chanyeol to identify it as Fiction by B2st, but when he does he can already tell, more or less, how he wants it to sound. He nods to the notes, even hums to it. The second song is a pop song, Chanyeol has never heard it before, but it seems like it could be turned  into a jazz version, somehow.

“The arranging thing is not a problem, especially for the rock arrangement. For the jazz I’d like to consult someone else, I’m not too confident about that,” he explains, as Jiho scrolls down the rap for something Chanyeol assumes he wants to show Joohyun. The girl’s attention, however, is fully on Chanyeol, and she nods imperceptibly.

“The thing is that I barely know these students, wouldn’t it be better to-”

He doesn’t get to finish the sentence, because someone else knocks on the door and Chanyeol feels himself go all tense for no reason. Before Joohyun or any of them can reply, the door is being opened already.

“I heard you called, Noona.”

Baekhyun is standing on the doorstep looking even sicker than Chanyeol had seen him a couple of days earlier. His voice sounds very off too— it’s raspy and he’s wearing a mask covering his nose and mouth. His face looks a little swollen, his eyes definitely are, and he’s almost drowning in a big black hoodie that looks awfully familiar to Chanyeol, even if he can’t exactly pinpoint where he saw it.

Baekhyun meets his eyes and Chanyeol feels himself frown and open his mouth to say something, but Joohyun beats him to it.

“What the hell happened to you, now? Do you need me to take you to the hospital?” Joohyun doesn’t stand up, but she sounds halfway between shocked and annoyed at Baekhyun’s total lack of self-care.

“I’m ok Noona,” Baekhyun replies with a short chuckle, even if he doesn’t look ok at all.

Even Jiho stands up and hurries to grab Baekhyun’s face, to inspect if he’s too warm or running a fever. “What happened to you, huh?” Jiho asks too, and Baekhyun just laughs this time, as Jiho squishes his cheeks and finally lets him go, only to drape an arm around his shoulders.

Chanyeol thought Baekhyun would be better, since the last time he saw him. A cold is a cold, how long do Baekhyun’s colds last? He’s suddenly reminded of Joohyun telling him how Baekhyun gets sick easily, how he’s always bundled up in warm clothes because he gets cold easily. The Baekhyun Chanyeol knows was easily cold, but was also never sick in three years of highschool.

“Are you ok?” He asks in a moment of silence, after Jiho and Baekhyun have come closer to him and Joohyun.

Everyone turns their head to stare at him. Even Baekhyun looks a little taken aback. Flustered, almost? Confused? Chanyeol can’t really tell. He was sure he would still be able to read Baekhyun like the back of his hand, and he’s taken aback when he realizes that he probably can’t. That time has passed, and Baekhyun’s changed now. That they’re not nineteen anymore.

Baekhyun nods slightly, which Joohyun sees as an opportunity to just keep going with her speech.

“Baekhyun do you have any experience with jazz arrangements?” She questions him like a teacher would, but there’s softness to her words, as she squeezes Baekhyun’s forearm after getting a little closer to him.

Chanyeol’s gaze slowly shifts towards Baekhyun and he sees him hesitate, look down to the laptop screen. “I’m not sure Noona, I’ve never done it before,” he lies.

He’s bullshitting. Chanyeol knows he can, he knows he can even if he hasn’t studied any of it. He’s been studying piano since he was a kid, he knew how to arrange melodies to what he needed back when he was in highschool. He would brag piano was the only decent thing he knew how to do.

“If you feel like trying, then you can help Chanyeol do it. Otherwise we’ll have to call someone else.”

“He can do it,” Chanyeol counters instead, and Baekhyun’s head whiplashes towards him, his eyes wide as if he just got betrayed. Chanyeol doesn’t get it, not at first. “What? You can do it. I’ve seen you do it. He can do it, Noona.”

Chanyeol knows he’s overstepping his boundaries, but the fact that Baekhyun is in this academy working part time instead of actually working as a musician makes him mad. Baekhyun sighs at that, as he rests his head on Jiho’s shoulder, as the other boy pats him on the head like a child. “I’ll try my best, Noona.”

“Alright then, it’s decided.” Joohyun concludes, then stands up and smooths down her skirt. She closes her laptop and props it against her hip. “Let’s go see your guys, Jiho. Baekhyun-ah, tell Chanyeol about Donghyuck and the others and help him with the rock arrangement too, if you can.”

They close the door behind themselves just when Baekhyun is falling into the same chair Joohyun was sitting on just now. Chanyeol can’t see his face fully, but he knows he’s pissed because there’s some rigidity to his feature that Chanyeol recognizes— he may not be able to read all of Baekhyun, but some things he can still understand immediately.

“I would’ve said yes anyway, but...That was unnecessary. I said I want you around, Park Chanyeol, not that you can drag me into things I’m not sure I want to do yet.” He turns around, meeting Chanyeol’s eyes with his own sort of glassy ones. He softens when Chanyeol just stares back, and he sighs. “Whatever…”

“I’m not sure why you’re wasting your talent here, when you should be performing in theaters and making people’s jaw drop. But rearranging songs is something you’ve always done, so..”

Baekhyun’s eyes linger on Chanyeol’s features, then scan his clothes— from his jean shirt to his black pants and all stars. Then he looks ahead, to the recording room. “I dropped piano right after you left and I came to work here. So no, I don’t arrange things anymore.”

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say— he stares at his hands for a few seconds. There’s an immediate flurry of emotions rising as he fully gets to understand what Baekhyun’s words mean. The more prominent of those is anger, then frustration, then guilt. When he looks up again, Baekhyun is shrugging. “It’s done now, Yeol. Just don’t do it again, alright?”

He even forces up a smile. Chanyeol knows because it shows through the wrinkles around his eyes. That flurry of emotions die as soon as he notices the eye-smile, and all he wants to do is leave, probably never see Baekhyun again. Baekhyun has always been able to cause small storms in him and he’s never understood how to tame them.

“You’re such an idiot,” he murmurs. He’s not sure why he’s saying that, but Baekhyun seems to find it funny. He chuckles, propping his elbows on the mixing station and his eyes looking up at the pictures of a desert showing on the screen of the computer in front of him.

“I learn from the best,” he shoots back, with no bite this time.

  


Baekhyun talks about his students a lot, especially this guy called Kim Woojin, whose voice apparently he likes a lot. Lee Donghyuck has room for improvement, and Jungwoo reminds him so much of some other idol he’s seen on tv that it freaks him out. Chanyeol has heard the name, Taemin or something, but he’s is a bit behind with the entertainment scene, and Baekhyun doesn’t show him a picture.

He’s relaxed, especially after they order chinese in— decided at least on how to arrange the rock song so that it fits the three voices the best. Chanyeol wonders how they’re gonna make it rock, if none of the kids play the guitar. It doesn’t have the same effect if they only have a rock base.

“Funny story, the guy who’s supposed to be the best of my class has decided he doesn’t want to play. Yonghwa hyung is so fond of him, but I’ve never heard him play,” Chanyeol explains as they sit on the floor with _jjajangmyeon_ ,  tangsuyuk and jjampong laying on some newspapers so that they don’t make a mess. The students have left already and so have the other teachers, though Chanyeol has the feeling that Joohyun is locked in her office doing leftover paperwork.

“You’re talking about Hyunjin? I’ve heard he’s been a bit off lately,” Baekhyun replies, then stuffs his mouth with noodles and sniffles— he’s always had a runny nose when he eats, Chanyeol remembers. He pushes the roll of tissue paper they’ve stolen from the academy’s bathroom towards him, Baekhyun taking some and pressing it to his nose right away.

Chanyeol doesn’t reply regarding Hyunjin. He sits back and stares at Baekhyun for a while, tilting his head to the side. Baekhyun’s not wearing the mask right now, which means his angry red nose and slightly glassy eyes are there for everyone to see. He looks like shit, plainly speaking. Joohyun’s earlier reaction made perfect sense.

“Again, you’re really not dying from an incurable disease, right?” Chanyeol asks, trying to sound as detached as he can, and failing miserably to the point where Baekhyun looks up, one eyebrow raised. Then he shakes his head.

“I told you I’m not dying, it’s just a cold. I suck at adulting, at vitamins and all that shit” he says carelessly, slurping on the soup in his jjamppong.

“Did you go to the hospital at least? It’s been like this for a while now. You look even worse than last time,” Chanyeol counters, shifting closer and reaching slowly with his hand, gesturing for Baekhyun to look at him. He has no idea what he’s doing, but being like this with Baekhyun feels right. “Where did my scarf go, mh?”

Baekhyun does turn his head and lets Chanyeol cup his face between thumb and index, like Jiho did just now, and— Chanyeol realizes, just how he did a couple days earlier, outside Junmyeon’s house. He must be an idiot, because he ends up questioning himself. Baekhyun, on the other hand doesn’t look bothered, nor extremely surprised just like last time Chanyeol did the same exact thing. Chanyeol doesn’t squeeze his cheeks like Jiho had, he just looks at Baekhyun’s nose and snorts when the boy blinks a couple time.

“You look even more like Rudolph, Byun Baekhyun. Like, you did already last time, but now’s even more gross,” he comments. “And you’re kinda warm. I’m gonna kill you if I’m sick tomorrow.”

Baekhyun smiles between his fingers, his cheeks getting squished now, somehow. He blows some air towards Chanyeol, and the idiot lets go immediately, covering his face with both arms. Baekhyun is just laughing now, while sniffling because he can’t breathe properly and he half chokes. “It was my gift for you though, my precious cold!”

He laughs some more while Chanyeol glares at him. “Fucker,” he says, and he smacks Baekhyun on the head— or at least he tries, because Baekhyun cowers immediately and laughs some more, before sighing and falling to lay down on the heated floor.

He stays there in silence for a few seconds without saying anything. “Your scarf’s with my coat, in the other room, by the way,” he murmurs after a while.

Chanyeol feels something shift inside him at the thought of Baekhyun and his scarf, which should feel good. The fuzziness should be something welcome, except that Chanyeol doesn’t like it. He chases it away. He looks at Baekhyun lying there on the floor for one second too long, then grabs his ankle for no reason.

Baekhyun’s wearing cute, striped socks. He used to have a whole collection of those, when he was in highschool. Chanyeol wonders if he still does.

“My head hurts,” the boy says all of a sudden, with a certain vein of pain in his voice that makes Chanyeol feel bad, concerned. He presses the sides of Baekhyun’s ankle, squeezing it in his palm.

“Sleep a bit on the sofa if you want,” he offers, a bit more softly than he would like. “I’ll look at the songs a bit more, then I’ll wake you up when I leave.”

Baekhyun tries to pull himself up on his elbows, hesitating for a moment, then he shrugs. “Alright.”

Chanyeol’s the one who cleans up the food and the newspapers on the floor in the end. Baekhyun lies down on the sofa with a groan and a stretch. “This damned cold!” he says, his voice loud. He thrashes on the sofa a couple times, then curls up on one side.

“Wake me up if you need help,” he says.

Chanyeol does need help, as he looks at the song. Baekhyun’s more navigated in music than he is, especially when it comes to more complicated things. Chanyeol can call himself an expert for what concerns the guitar, but he’s not afraid to pledge ignorance on what he doesn’t know.

He doesn’t wake Baekhyun, though. He steals a glance or two when Baekhyun turns in his sleep to lie on his back like a corpse, or a vampire. He even snores a little, probably because of his clogged nose. Chanyeol snorts at that, calls him names under his breath, then drapes his own shirt on him before leaving the room to smoke on the rooftop.

He meets Joohyun on his way out. She’s wearing a long, black coat and she’s holding the same packet of cigarettes as Chanyeol, along with her purse.

“Are you going to smoke, noona?”

She shakes her head. “I’m leaving,” she replies, as she walks past Chanyeol to peep through the glass into the studio. “Did you tell him to sleep?”

“Yeah, I did.”

She seems relieved, as she shifts her weight on the back of her heels and starts slowly walking towards the exit. “That idiot doesn’t listen to anyone. I’m glad he listened to you this once.”

Baekhyun _is_ a little too stubborn, wanting to be all independent. He’s always been good at taking care of others, and sucked at taking care of himself. _He sucks at adulting_ , he said, and that’s probably true.

“He wasn’t feeling well,” Chanyeol replies, but he’s not sure where he’s going with that, it confuses him.

“I’m leaving,” Joohyun announces, opening the door to the school. “Baekhyun knows how to close and-”

Chanyeol’s an idiot, because he lets the words come out before he can think them through, before he can even understand if that’s exactly what he wants to say.

“Noona,” he cuts in, interrupting her. “Wouldn’t you go on a date with me?”

Joohyun’s expression doesn’t shift at all. She only breathes in slowly, looking away. “Are we really doing this again?”

“You never gave me a chance, noona,” he insists, and he suddenly realizes he sounds whiny, and childish. Maybe because he is.

“Chanyeol I think nobody told you yet, but I’m already dating someone. They’re waiting for me right now.”

Chanyeol expected his heart to be broken, to feel like shit. He feels nothing, though. Maybe he’s just a bit sad, because he’s been turned down twice by the same girl he’s been crushing on for the longest time. Or maybe because Joohyun really looks like she doesn’t have feelings for him at all. Maybe because she makes it sound like Chanyeol’s a kid. “I see,” is all he can say.

“I’m sorry, Chanyeol,” she apologizes, then waves her hand goodbye. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Make sure Byun Baekhyun gets home safe, alright?”

Chanyeol nods, bowing and stepping back until he sees Joohyun disappear down the stairs. He doesn’t feel like smoking anymore, so he ends up going back into the studio, ready to work some more. Baekhyun’s still sleeping, snoring softly with his phone next to his face on the sofa.

It lights up a few times as Chanyeol hesitates to sit on the swivel chair and ends up standing close to the sofa where Baekhyun’s sleeping. At the sixth time the screen lights up, Chanyeol starts wondering whether he should check it.

He doesn’t, but he ends up reading the name of the sender of the kakaotalk notifications that appear one after the other on the screen. It’s a name in Chinese, which reminds Chanyeol that Baekhyun had been studying chinese for a while, or so he’d heard from Jongdae.

The messages are in korean, that much Chanyeol sees, but he doesn’t read them. Instead, he turns the phone upside down so that the light doesn’t wake Baekhyun up.

He studies Baekhyun’s face up close for few more seconds, the time to notice that indeed, Baekhyun’s been drooling on his own face. Chanyeol chortles as he goes back to his chair to sit. Old habits really never die.

 

아련한 달빛의 노래  
서글퍼 울고 있는 내게  
작지만 큰 위로가 돼  
그날의 우리를 기억해

 

Junmyeon and Yeonsoo agree to meet near Jongno-3ga for dinner. Junmyeon says he’s gonna buy all the expensive meat for him, so of course Chanyeol accepts, even though it means he’s probably going to be there all alone and single with the two of them being lovey dovey.

It’s a Saturday night and that area is packed with people. The roads are extremely tight and barely lit with orangey lights, contrasting with the neon ones in the samgyeopsal places, which dominate any other kind of restaurant in the area. Some of them are so packed there’s plastic tables lined up in the middle of the street. Some people are left standing, waiting for a table to empty so they can sit, while the old ladies serving shout their orders back to the kitchens to middle aged men and young part timers.

Chanyeol arrives when Yeonsoo and Junmyeon are already waiting in front of one of the restaurants, which coincidentally seems like it’s the busiest one.

“We’ve already told them it’s three of us, we just have to wait for one group of people to sit,” Junmyeon says as soon as Chanyeol approaches, after patting him on the back. “This is Ha Yeonsoo, my girlfriend.”

Yeonsoo is quite small, brunette, with a wide smile when she looks up at Chanyeol once and bows immediately after. “Nice to meet you,” she greets. She’s wearing jeans, a leather jacket and has her dslr camera hanging from her shoulder, like it were a purse. “Junmyeonie talks about you a lot,” she adds with a certain cheerfulness to her voice.

“You didn’t tell her the bad stuff, right hyung?” Chanyeol teases, and Junmyeon smacks his back this time.

“Only good things,” he assures. By the way Yeonsoo laughs, Chanyeol’s pretty sure Junmyeon’s told her the embarrassing stuff too, but he doesn’t have the courage to dig up old cringey memories.

They wait outside for a while, enough to start a conversation about Chanyeol’s job at the music academy, and how they’re organizing a festival for the end of the year. Yeonsoo even hints she could come and take some pictures, and by the time Chanyeol is starting to tell them about the arrangements Baekhyun and him have started to work on, they’re called inside to their table.

The restaurant is called _Ajumoni_ and it’s packed with people. They sit at the very back, where the air is thick with grilled meat smell despite the aspirators hanging over every single table. Junmyeon orders the meat, Yeonsoo the alcohol. Chanyeol sits there like a kid, being the youngest of the three, until the meat arrives and he becomes in charge of the grilling.

Yeonsoo even takes some pictures of him, his tattoos especially, while he tries not to let the meat burn too much.

“Chanyeolie, Baekhyunie, Jongdae, Kyungsoo and I all went to the same highschool. Though I was a third year when they arrived,” Junmyeon explains as he pours soju in Yeonsoo’s cup, then Chanyeol’s. They say _jjan_ , and Chanyeol takes a sip while nodding to Junmyeon’s explanation.

“He was the best sunbae, always covering for me when he caught me smoking behind the school,” Chanyeol recalls, chuckling. Junmyeon follows suit, then looks at him stretching his mouth in a thin line as if to playfully scold him with a small frown.

“I can imagine him trying to be a model student, but letting his hubaes do whatever.” Yeonsoo chuckles while wrapping a piece of meat in a leaf of cabbage and stuffing her mouth with it. She starts talking again while still munching, her brows knitted “What about Sehunie then? Didn’t he come to the same school as you guys?”

Suho just shakes his head, letting Chanyeol explain this one while he eats some of his rice.

“Sehun was my friend originally, so the others got to know him through me. And now he’s Kyungsoo’s roommate and walks around the house naked, or so I hear.”

“Flashing poor Jongdae,” Yeonsoo continues in understanding.

“But yeah, it was mainly me and Sehun at first. Then I guess I got closer to the others, especially, you know..” He hesitates for a moment, realizing how absolutely normal it feels to mention Baekhyun in this conversation. He tries to deviate it, then “...Jongdae, and Kyungsoo and well, and they got to know Sehun as well.”

“And Baekhyunie. You and that idiot were sticking together like someone had glued your asses one to the other, seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Baekhyun without you, after you arrived that is.”

Chanyeol chuckles, a little uncomfortable, and ends up busying himself with the meat grilling, though there isn’t much else to do really. “He didn’t like me at first, I think,” he adds a little later.

“Bullshit,” Junmyeon counters, and Yeonsoo chuckles some more.

“It’s nice that you guys all kept in touch and are still good friends,” She comments, softly.

Junmyeon knows that’s bullshit too, since Chanyeol cut ties with almost everyone and left for two years. Definitely bullshit since he decided not to keep in touch with them at all, especially not with Baekhyun. Junmyeon, just like the others, he doesn’t know things in detail but he’d sensed something was wrong back then. He doesn’t say anything, however, and just throws Chanyeol a glance.

Yeonsoo does a lot of things in life. She studies Russian and goes back and forth between Moscow and Seoul at least once every three months. She stays for one month and comes back with tons of pictures of places Junmyeon has never seen, but he’s just as enthusiastic as her when he describes some of her photographs.

She shows him a couple directly on her camera, so Chanyeol leans in some more after taking another shot of soju and munching on some more meat.

Yeonsoo’s pictures are colorful. She seems to prefer pictures of old people to young, and macros compared landscapes. She scrolls through pictures quite quickly, until she stops on one that makes Chanyeol squint his eyes for a moment.

“When did you take that one?”

He points at the screen and Yeonsoo _Mhs_? for a moment, before immediately understanding what picture Chanyeol’s talking about. “That one I think is from a few months ago I think? We’d just started dating,” she says, looking at Junmyeon for confirmation.  “I needed someone to model for me and Junmyeonie suggested Sehunie. Baekhyun came along, so I took some pictures of him too.”

She smiles, handing Chanyeol the camera for him to see. “This one’s cute,” she comments, and shows him a picture of Baekhyun in an electric blue pullover, his hair’s a mess, smiling brightly to the camera while he’s sitting cross legged on the floor of the photographic studio.

“But this one’s my favorite.” She points to one in particular amongst countless of shots of Baekhyun smiling, posing, being an idiot. There’s one where he seems to be napping, his head slightly tilted to the side. He looks tired and he probably was, considering how Baekhyun really seems to be shitty at taking care of himself. Chanyeol keeps staring at the picture, at Baekhyun’s hands laying on his knees and the small dot on the side of Baekhyun’s lips. Was that there from the start?

“He said he was recharging his batteries. He really hates that picture but I think that’s the prettiest of all the pictures I took that day.”

Yeonsoo alternates her gaze from Chanyeol to her camera, until she finally meets his eyes and waits for his comment. “It’s pretty,” he says, but he realizes how constipated he sounds and decides it’s probably better if he just eats.

Suho really pays for the meat in the end, and Yeonsoo insists to take a picture of the two of them, even if it’s a bit childish. They do, and they both look like two idiots who really didn’t want to take the picture, but ended up doing it anyway.

Chanyeol feels fairly tipsy, probably because he ended up drinking more and eating much less, leaving most of the meat for Yeonsoo and Junmyeon to eat. He stops at the crossroads right when the light is red for both the cars and the pedestrians. That’s when he starts thinking that he really must be drunk, because he thinks he sees Baekhyun in a black audi, looking out the car window in the passenger seat. On the other side there’s another guy.

It’s dark and he can’t see clearly.  
The streetlight turns green, however, and the car drives past before Chanyeol can even blink.

 

함께 있으면 머물러지나요  
머물러지면 행복해지나요  
떠나려하면 어떻게 하나요  
붙잡아 봐도 떠나려 한다면

  


The fact that you like Chanyeol comes like a revelation in the most common of school days. It slips, like a thought that you weren’t supposed to notice, but on which your mind sort of zoomed in by accident— once you’ve noticed, you can’t un-notice it, right?

It’s one normal afternoon gym class. The teacher has you run fifteen laps around the field as a punishment for being late, then someone forgets their gym uniform and ends exercising in their undershirt and pants. It’s quite a fun class, because everyone teases poor Cha Sunwoo, but it’s overall pretty uneventful.

What you remember most clearly is what comes after, the walking in the corridor next to Park Chanyeol, the climbing on the window sill of the open window as soon as you get back to your classroom.

It’s hot, so hot that your class feels like a furnace and your desk is incandescent when you touch it with your palms to climb on it. You hope your teacher won’t notice you, propped up on the windowsill there like a sparrow, the sleeves of your t-shirt rolled up to your shoulders to make a makeshift tank top.

You feel the heat leaving your body in waves, as the late spring breeze gets under your white t-shirt and makes it swell like a sail.

It’s right then that you notice him. You close your eyes for a second, and when you open them again Chanyeol’s standing there with Cha Sunwoo, talking about the gym class teacher— his t-shirt all rolled up so his abdomen and back are uncovered. He’s drinking in all the wind, trying to air dry his skin as he stands in front of the window, his hands on his hips and a stupid smile on his face.

“What?” He asks, as he notices you’re looking at him.

You shrug, and you thank the fact that your body is still cooling down, because otherwise the slight pink on your neck and cheeks would be more obvious.

“Look at him, he doesn’t even sweat, the lucky bastard.” Cha Sunwoo says, as he gets rid of his orange gym pants and stalls there in his underpants.

Jongdae snorts, getting closer to the three of you, only wearing those hideous orange pants with no t-shirt on top. “Eh, but look at him, he’s dying,” he comments as he sits on your desk. He pokes your knee and you move away. You’re overheating as you always do, but they don’t need to tease you about it every single time.

“Fuckers,” you shoot back, your eyes lingering on the droplet of sweat falling down Chanyeol’s lower back, when he crouches down to fish something out of his school bag.

Cha Sunwoo is there, half naked, and so is Jongdae, but you don’t care about them. You wonder if it’s the heat, but then, really thinking about it, you’re not that surprised. Your eyes have lingered on Chanyeol’s slightly bored face since the first day of school. It’s not new for you to steal glances from him more than you do for other people.

You’ve allowed yourself to outright look, since the two of you have gotten closer. You’ve gotten used to his presence around you, so you don’t steal glances anymore, you let yourself stare.

You stare even now— he’s gotten taller, lately. It’s like he’s been watered like a plant and he’s kept growing when you weren’t looking. You remember him being a little chubbier on your first day of school. He’s leaner now, lankier even.

“You ok?” He asks, as he gets closer, holding his water bottle.

You hum a yes, smiling your usual smile and he presses the cold water bottle to your cheek first, then to your neck. “Better?” He asks, then he chuckles. “Don’t die, mh?”

If Jongdae and Sunwoo think something of this, they don’t seem to show it. They keep doing their things. Jongdae even talks to you, as Chanyeol’s water bottle stays pressed against your neck.

You take it in your hand, Chanyeol could let go, but he doesn’t.

You don’t remember what Jongdae says, not exactly, but you remember Chanyeol’s eyes on you, looking at you as if trying to let you spill out all your secrets.

That’s when you realize it. When Chanyeol’s somewhat warm— wet hand from holding the water bottle— grazes the skin of your neck. Chanyeol tells Sunwoo to fuck off, laughing right in front of you. He laughs looking at Sunwoo first, but then he looks at _you_.

That’s when it slips, that thought. _You like him_ , you think. It’s the most common afternoon and Chanyeol’s smiling at you holding a water bottle to your neck so that you don’t faint because it’s so hot the class feels like a furnace. And _you like him_.

 

It’s as much as common of a day, when you realize Chanyeol likes someone else. It’s not like the slip of a thought, not like something that appears casually and you can’t un-notice. It’s a lingering thought in the back of your head. A pushpin stuck in there. You can’t get rid of it, it _hurts_.

You know about Bae Joohyun because everyone in your school talks about her. You’d seen her during her year opening speech, standing fierce and untouchable on a pedestal. She has this marble like beauty to her, white and resilient like ancient greek statues you’ve seen in history books.

Jongdae’s standing next to you during lunch break. It’s too hot to stay in class and even if you’re the class president, you like sneaking out to the corridor and lounge there every now and then. Your brother has made you a sandwich for lunch because he’s a university student and he can’t be bothered to make more complicated meals. He still feels bad when you complain about school food, though. He’s a nice one, Baekbeom.

Jongdae’s talking about Pokémon, and you were engaged in that conversation until you’d seen Chanyeol in the distance, stopping by one of the classes down the corridor. Now, you’re not listening anymore.

Chanyeol’s shirt’s open, his hair a little messier than usual. He has this mischievous grin on his face you haven’t seen very often, but that you particularly like because it’s light and sunny and makes you feel happy, for some reason.

He’s holding onto the door frame, and you feel yourself getting a little confused at first. There’s a girls only class there, and you know because Seunghoon and Dongjun from your class like to stop there often. It takes a moment for Bae Joohyun to come out— her arms crossed on her chest, her black hair put up in a very high bun. Your confusion shapes itself into a feeling you can’t name.

 _Of course_ , you hear yourself thinking.

You’re almost mad. At who, though, you’re not sure.

“What are you looking at?” Jongdae asks, his eyes following the trajectory of your gaze to end up on Chanyeol and Bae Joohyun. “You’re spilling your mayo,” Jongdae notes as he looks.

You don’t say anything, but you feel the mayo spill onto your hand— slimy, disgusting.

“I asked him to come to the convenience store with me, earlier and he ignored me. But now he’s all smiley with Bae Joohyun, mh?” Jongdae comments, half annoyed, half amused. He doesn’t know, doesn’t get it. You don’t blame him, but you’re irritated.

“He must’ve been busy.”

“Joohyun noona’s pretty, huh? If Chanyeol snatches that one from the whole school he’s gonna get cursed at by pretty much everyone.”

“So what?” You snap out before you can even realize. The thought of Chanyeol dating someone it’s like a needle piercing through your skin. You realize he’ll probably never date you, but you don’t want to see him dating others either.

Jongdae raises an eyebrow. “Do you like Bae Joohyun?”

You snort, looking at your sandwich. You’re not hungry anymore.

When you look up again, Chanyeol’s still there facing Bae Joohyun, but his eyes stop on you. His lips curl up in a small smile, almost half sentence, then you see him bow and you see Joohyun go back to her class.

Chanyeol starts walking towards you and Jongdae, looking like he’s on cloud nine, while you feel like throwing up the few bits of the sandwich you just had.

“Do you think I should confess?” He asks you a few minutes after Jongdae has left, while the two of you crouch on the floor close to the emergency stairs.

You shrug, looking at him from the corner of your eyes. He’s eating the leftover sandwich you didn’t feel like having anymore. He’s happy, you can tell. The girl he likes has talked to him today, he’s bound to be happy.

You should be happy as well, and yet…

“Maybe yeah, don’t you think? She’s pretty popular.” You even smile at him as you crush your own heart yourself. “You wouldn’t want Kim Jongdae to steal her from you.”

Chanyeol laughs, bumping his knee into yours. He rests his head on your shoulder after a while, humming on something you’ve never heard before as he draws patterns on your knee with his fingertip. “I’ll try I guess,” he says after a while. “You’re the first person I tell, you know?”

“And why should I care?” You reply jokingly. Chanyeol laughs with you, and you wonder if you should be glad he told you. Or if being left in the dark wouldn’t have been better after all.

You hide that small slip of thought you had about liking him. That small thing you can’t un-notice, you bury it as deep as you can, curling yourself around it hoping it doesn’t shatter.

 

지나고 보니 다 똑같더군요  
지나고 보니 부질없더군요  
생각해보니 함께하고 있을 때도  
우린 여전히  
많이 외로웠죠

 

It’s late in the night when Chanyeol comes out of his one room looking like a beggar in a dirty white t-shirt, a zip up hoodie, sweatpants and a pair of _samdidas_ that have seen better days. He can’t be bothered with his hair, so he puts it under an old baseball cap and he heads out to buy some junk food from the convenience store — He’s craving _tteokbokki_ , so he’s hoping to get those and make them in the microwave back home.

It’s cold, and he could’ve probably worn a coat or something, but Chanyeol kinda sucks at adulting as well, especially when he feels lazy and he doesn’t want to cook. His mom would probably smack him in the head if she knew, but what she can’t see can’t hurt her after all.

The convenience store is very tiny, to the point where Chanyeol has to make himself smaller to fit between the shelves and take what he needs. He adds a beer to the mix, then one sausage to eat with the _tteokbokki_ sauce.

The woman at the cashier puts all of his stuff in a black bag, insists until he gets the one plus one sausage and comes back to the counter and finally lets him go. Chanyeol sighs as he gets out of the store, then freezes.

“Hey.”

It’s Baekhyun, dragging behind him one of those huge plastic zipper bags people get from the supermarket, except that the bag is filled to the brim and it looks like he really forced that zipper to close. He’s smiling, soft— almost a bit embarrassed, as if caught red handed doing something he shouldn’t be doing.

“What are you doing here?”

“I live here, remember? For the past ten years or so?” He shrugs, then he pics up the bag, walking towards the coin laundromat Chanyeol had forgotten existed. Or it probably appeared after he left, he can’t be sure. Chanyeol’s memory is really bad when it comes to things he doesn’t care about.

“Is that all your wardrobe in that bag?” He asks, as his legs follow Baekhyun without him even noticing. They both enter the laundromat, Baekhyun opens one of the washing machines then changes the coins to put in it while Chanyeol goes sit on the only chair by the only table in the laundromat room.

“Nope, just my winter blanket. I was gonna change to this one today, but it kinda smells weird so. Eheh.”

He’s wearing Chanyeol’s scarf today, all wrapped around his neck, along with a very fuzzy looking jacket and sweatpants. The cherry on top is the Crayon Shinchan socks, rolled up the length of his ankle. Chanyeol cringes at that, purposely looking way longer than necessary at the socks in the pair of pink _samdidas_ Baekhyun is wearing.

He’s judging, and Baekhyun must notice because he chuckles, then he comes closer and pulls his foot out of the shoe. He lifts his leg up, almost propping his socked foot on Chanyeol’s knee.

“My socks are cute, aren’t they?”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes, but catches Baekhyun foot with one hand, only to push him away. “My sister had an entire collection of those, when she was 6.”

If Baekhyun’s hurt, he doesn’t show. He looks rather amused, as he walks back to the washing machine and tosses his giant blanket, two pillow covers and one hideous leopard printed blanket into it.

When he’s done with that, he pushes a couple buttons and waits for the washing to start, before turning back to Chanyeol, his arms folded to his chest, head tilted to the side. He doesn’t look like he’s dying anymore, and Chanyeol feels something very close to relief once he notices that even his nose is not that red anymore.

Baekhyun’s cute, he thinks all of a sudden.

“It’s gonna take 40 minutes, you gonna wait?”

“Might as well. I was gonna go home and eat _tteokbokki_ , but then you showed up, so.”

“And Park Chanyeol’s willing to wait for my blankets to be washed, for 40 minutes?” Baekhyun asks, crouching forward with his arms still crossed, almost as if trying to provoke Chanyeol, or tease him.

Chanyeol’s hand reaches out before he speaks. He flicks Baekhyun’s forehead and he replies. “Shut up. You know I’m a very nice person.”

Baekhyun snorts, looking away, but he ends up sitting in the small space Chanyeol’s left for him on the chair, even if he looks outraged that Baekhyun assumed he’s not nice.

They stay in silence for a while, and Chanyeol wonders why it doesn’t feel uncomfortable nor suffocating. Silence has never felt wrong with Baekhyun, even when they didn’t know each other well.

“So, are you gonna date Joohyun noona, now?” Baekhyun asks suddenly, playing with the tip of his toe with his slipper on the floor.

When Chanyeol steals a glance from him, he notices Baekhyun’s gaze is on the floor, as he plays with his slipper making it slide back and forth. He looks like he’s asking out of curiosity, but Chanyeol’s not an idiot, and Baekhyun doesn’t really hide what he thinks.

He takes his time to reply, his eyes on his scarf around Baekhyun’s neck. It’s a black fluffy scarf, nothing flashy, but Chanyeol has noticed how Baekhyun has been wearing it religiously since he gave it to him.

“She rejected me this time too, so probably not,” he says in the end, and once again he realizes he doesn’t really care, not much at least. “To be honest I’m realizing I… probably haven’t liked her for a while. I was just obsessed with this idea of dating her when I… Actually I don’t think I really wanted to date her.”

When Baekhyun looks back at him he raises an eyebrow, but he doesn’t say anything at first. He looks like he’s taking in the news, he nods. “I see…” A small pause, and he stands up to look into Chanyeol’s plastic bag. “What if she said yes?”

 _What if Joohyun had said yes?_ Chanyeol’s not sure, so that’s what he replies, not having a better answer for Baekhyun. “I don’t know. I’m glad she said no, though. Also I heard she has a boyfriend, so I...was kind of a douchebag until now, telling everyone I wanted to date her. When I didn’t, not really.”

Baekhyun smiles in understanding, with just a speck of something that looks like sadness to Chanyeol’s eyes. “I’m glad it’s solved, then. You just have to find someone else to like now, don’t you?”

He shrugs, looking elsewhere with his lips curled up in the smallest of smiles.

“I guess, yeah.”

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

 

Chanyeol only manages to convince Hyunjin to play something for him when it’s five weeks away from the concert for the end of the year. And the way he manages to do that, is drag Seo Changbin into the classroom with Hyunjin. They’re best friends, or so Jiho said, so Chanyeol stole him from his class for a minute.

Changbin doesn’t have to do much, really. He sits next to Hyunjin and even manages to tell him when something is off, before Chanyeol can signal it for him. Hyunjin is playing a song by Kang Taegu— a slow, relaxed song which really doesn’t fit with his image of bad boy with his blue flannel and his doc Martens.

He’s almost reached the end, when Chanyeol’s phone starts vibrating insistently in his pocket and he has to excuse himself for a minute. Hyunjin as usual just shrugs, and as Chanyeol’s leaving the room, he notices that Changbin has stolen his guitar.

He finds himself curling his lips up as he looks down at his phone. “What’s up?” he says as soon as he takes the call.

Jongdae is quick to reply. _Wow, that was fast. I didn’t expect you to pick up._

“I always pick up, I’m the nicest. What’s happened? Why the call?” He asks, as he leans against the wall right outside of the classroom. The corridor sounds eerily silent, when Chanyeol’s used to the sound of piano coming from his right, where Baekhyun should be having class right now.

_Have you seen Baekhyun?_

He furrows his brows. “Nope,” he says, pushing himself away from the wall and moving a couple steps to the classroom Baekhyun usually uses for his piano classes. “I thought he was supposed to have a class today, but he’s not here. I guess it’s been canceled, it happens.”

_He hasn’t picked up his phone since yesterday, so…_

“And is that _not normal?_ ”

Chanyeol even opens the door to the classroom, but it’s empty in the end.

_You know how Baekhyun is, once he got sick and we went to check on him but he’d fainted and shit._

“Are you being dramatic or did that really happen?” He asks, realizing the image of Baekhyun, unconscious on the floor is something he doesn’t want in his head, not now nor ever.

Jongdae skillfully avoids the question, continuing with _Since Baekbeom moved in with his girlfriend he’s been a bit...how to say…he only eats ramyun every single day?_

Chanyeol hums, going back to stand in front of his classroom, one hand in the pocket of his jeans. “So what do you usually do when he doesn’t pick up? You called because you want me to go check on him, didn’t you.”

_Was I that obvious?_

Chanyeol can’t say he didn’t expect it. Jongdae wouldn’t have called otherwise, with all probability. “Very, to be honest. Whatever, I’ll go check on him. You owe me one”

He wraps up the class, noticing Hyunjin and Changbin leaving together, chatting among themselves. Hyunjin looks a little less depressed than last time, so Chanyeol makes a mental note to have the two practice together regularly, starting from the next class. He’d have to arrange things with Jiho, but he can see it working.

He tries to call Baekhyun on his bus back, but just as Jongdae said, he doesn’t pick up, nor check the list of emojis Chanyeol sends him on KakaoTalk. Chanyeol tells himself that Jongdae was being overdramatic to make him rush there and have yet another awkward moment with Baekhyun, but he can’t help feel a bit fidgety himself, when he presses call button on the bus and gets ready to hop off.

The neighborhood Baekhyun lives is the same where he lived years before with his brother and dog Mongryeong. It’s very quiet right now and it’s a mainly family oriented neighborhood— Baekhyun’s parents had chosen that one house over others for their two sons to live exactly for that reason. They didn’t want Baekhyun to be surrounded by university students since highschool.

Chanyeol mindlessly walks the path towards the building where Baekhyun lives, checking once again whether he’s replied to his texts or calls— he hasn’t.

He’s almost ready to insert the code for the main door of the building that Jongdae generously provided— that hasn’t changed either since two years ago— when he notices a big black audi pull off next to the entrance of the building.

He doesn’t need to check, he’s sure that’s the same audi he’d seen in front of school because the person who opens the door to it is Baekhyun looking all soft and freshly showered in a hoodie, a padded jacket and Chanyeol’s scarf around his neck.

“Oh, hey,” he greets, then turns around to say goodbye to the guy driving the car. Chanyeol doesn’t see him clearly, but it’s definitely a guy, probably around their age, he can’t really tell. The guy says goodbye as well, and Baekhyun closes the car door, turning to look at Chanyeol.

 

“You didn’t take your calls, KIm Jongdae was freaking out,” Chanyeol explains before Baekhyun can even get the chance to speak.

He chuckles a stupid “Eheh,” and Chanyeol would know that laughter anywhere. Baekhyun’s a bit embarrassed right now. That’s his shy laughter, so Chanyeol doesn’t say anything. He even walks back a few steps before Baekhyun stops him. “Wanna come up for a minute?”

Chanyeol stares for a moment. Baekhyun hesitates on the entrance, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “So are we going or not? It’s fucking cold.”

“Is that ok?”

Baekhyun just motions him inside, gesturing to just hurry the fuck up to enter. He cusses under his breath, then half laughs when he notices Chanyeol’s contorting himself because of the cold too.

They take the elevator this time, Baekhyun’s teeth chattering in the silence.

The elevator doors ping open, and the strongest smell of kimchi hits Chanyeol right in the face. He assumes the lady next door is having Kimchi jjigae for dinner.

“Jongdae was worried. Said you fainted once, blood everywhere…” He starts, half mockingly. He doesn’t expect Baekhyun to turn around, as if he just got insulted.

He raises a finger, pointing it to Chanyeol’s face. “That was _one time_ ,” he says.

Chanyeol’s eyes widen as he follows Baekhyun down the corridor to his house. “Wait, does that mean that really happened?” He asks, hurrying his step as if wanting to double check on Baekhyun, to make sure he’s ok. Even if he fainted two thousand years ago, something in him needs to see that Baekhyun’s alright now. “It really happened?” He insists, when Baekhyun doesn’t reply.

“Well, I did faint because I caught intestinal flu so you know, dehydration… There was no blood tho, Jongdae invented that part.”

It doesn’t make Chanyeol feel better, not really. He keeps staring at Baekhyun even when the boy stop and punches the code to enter his apartment.

The house is cleaner than last time Chanyeol’s been here. There’s no dishes in the sink nor cups of ramyun scattered around the room. The only thing that looks out of place is the small pile of clothes tossed on the mattress, on the blanket— sweat shorts, a t-shirt and a pair of boxers and socks. It seems that Baekhyun showered and forgot to put those in the laundry basket.

“Sorry,” he mutters, as he takes his shoes off and hurries to hide the small pile of clothes. “I forgot to put those away.”

Chanyeol blinks once, twice, before letting himself in slowly. He’s still a little weirded out that the place is so tidy. He doesn’t remember Baekhyun being untidy, but this is too much of a stark contrast with how the house room last time. “Did you clean?”

“Mom was here in the weekend to make me soup,” he replies from what Chanyeol assumes is the bathroom. Baekhyun sounds just a little bit soft as he speaks, Chanyeol wonders if he’s always spoken that way.

He can’t remember exactly.

He drops his bomber jacket on one of the chair, then turns to look back when he hears Baekhyun approach again. “Seeing you here is like having a dejà-vu. It’s been a while since you visited. I mean, before you left,” he pauses, stretching a little with his arms folded above his head. “Eheh,” he adds at the end.

Chanyeol takes a few seconds to reply. It’s true, he hadn’t visited in the longest time, even before leaving he and Baekhyun had...fallen out. Chanyeol doesn’t like to remember that, not when Baekhyun’s there smiling with his hair fluffy and his clothes too big for him.

Baekhyun’s loud and cheerful when there’s a lot of people around, as if it’s his job was to set the mood and to make a joke of himself to make people laugh. When it’s just alone with Chanyeol he’s quiet, his smiles less flashy, his gaze just a bit shy but not too much when he does something he gets embarrassed for.

“Is it a positive or a negative thing? The dejà-vu feeling, I mean,” Chanyeol’s asks belatedly as Baekhyun moves to the cooking area and starts looking for something.

“It’s not positive nor negative, really. It’s just a little weird, don’t you think?” Baekhyun pauses and his words are followed by the sound of water being poured in a pot. “Want some ramyun?”

Chanyeol smiles bright, hurrying to sit himself at the table just next to the kitchen area. He folds his arms and props his elbows on the table surface, the grin still there when Baekhyun looks around to confirm.

“I take that as a yes,” he says, looking very pleased with himself.

“You’ve always made the best ramyun out of all of us. I’m not sure how you do it.” Chanyeol comments, looking at Baekhyun as he opens the ramyun packets and pours the powder first, after the water starts boiling. “Let’s not tell Kyungsoo though, he wouldn’t like you taking his title as our personal chef.”

Baekhyun chuckles, turning around and resting his butt to the counter. “Kyungsoo wouldn’t mind, I think. But let’s not tell him anyway. It’s our secret I guess.”

He moves to open the fridge, leaving a speechless Chanyeol behind him. _Our secret,_ he said.

It’s nice. It feels nice and warm to think about it. Chanyeol wants to give it a name, but pushes the thought away and ends up lazily following Baekhyun’s movements around the kitchen as the spicy smell of the ramyun powder permeates the air.

“I’m happy, by the way. That you wanted me around anyway, after...well. I’m happy you let me in.” Chanyeol blurts it out without even thinking. He’s not the type to pour his feelings out through words, he’s too timid to do that unless he’s very drunk and he feels like hugging people. Saying what he just told Baekhyun is important for him, it required a leap of faith he wasn’t sure he could take.

Baekhyun must know, because he replies with a long silence, then he adds a very quiet, small. “I’m happy too.”

They talk about irrelevant things for a minute or two, while the water boils. And Baekhyun throws himself in a conversation about this anime series he’s been watching lately that has Chanyeol hooked, because he hasn’t watched it yet and Baekhyun’s making it sound really cool.

He sets the pot in the center of the table, then gives Chanyeol a small empty plate while he sits one leg folded under his bum and both elbows on the table. Then he digs in, slurping on his noodles.

“You know what, we should watch it together. I tried to make Junmyeon watch it but he doesn’t like anime,” Baekhyun complains with his mouth still full of food. He munches on it, rubs the side of his mouth with the back of his hand and sniffles. “Which is bullshit if you ask me, but Junmyeon says a lot of bullshit.”

“It’s not that he doesn’t like anime, it’s just that he prefers things like Madoka Magica, you know with the cute girls.”

“If it wasn’t that Madoka is creepy as fuck, so it doesn’t add up that he doesn’t want to watch what I recommended.”

Chanyeol shrugs in a mute _I don’t know_ , and Baekhyun shrugs back. It almost feels like being a few years back, the two of them eating here in the same kitchen and Baekbeom sitting in the next room, studying for his midterms. Baekhyun’s hair is styled a little better and he’s gotten thinner than he was in high school. Chanyeol’s taller, more built. Just like everything else since Chanyeol’s been back, they haven’t changed much.

He takes a mouthful of noodles, his gaze falling on Baekhyun’s hands, every now and then. The ring’s still there, making Chanyeol confused like the guy he saw Baekhyun with earlier, downstairs. And before, at the school, and on the street, that day he thought he was just making up things.

Or maybe things are easier than he thinks— well, no. Maybe things are _exactly_ the way he thinks they are. “Did you sleep with him?” He asks with no prompt, out of the blue, while Baekhyun was looking at his phone for a moment.

“What?”

“That guy with the black Audi, did you sleep with him?” He doesn’t know what tone of voice he’s going for, but rather than jealous he realizes he just sounds bitter. _Maybe he is_.

Baekhyun looks back at him with an expression that baffles him for a moment. It’s there for the smallest instant, it looks like hope? But then it’s gone before Chanyeol can really read it correctly.

“Why are you asking?” he questions, sounding like he’s trying to defend himself, putting up walls before Chanyeol can even give him an explanation. It makes Chanyeol feel like shit, guilt creeping up his skin like an old neighbor.

For some reason, even if he has no right to hope so or expect so, he really wants Baekhyun to say no. That he didn’t sleep with that guy, that the ring is there just for show. He doesn’t have the courage to really tell him that, though. Time may have passed, but Chanyeol’s still the same old coward sometimes. “I was...just curious, I guess. I’ve seen him around, with his fancy car.”

Baekhyun looks away, almost looking disappointed. It can’t be, he must be annoyed because Chanyeol asked. That would make more sense, unless…

Baekhyun doesn’t reply, he keeps eating in silence until he speaks again, and what he says makes Chanyeol understand he won’t get an answer, not now at least. “Are you staying the night? I can sleep in Baekbeom’s room, if you’re staying.”

Is it a real invitation? Is he inherently asking Chanyeol to leave?

“I wouldn’t mind staying. We can watch the thing together…” He tries, hesitant. Baekhyun smiles though, nodding and putting away his ramyun bowl once he’s done.

The dude in the black Audi is not brought up again, and Chanyeol finds out he probably likes it better that way. Baekhyun goes back to talking about Jongdae, and how he’s started playing volleyball or something like that. He can’t remember. He just knows Jongdae doesn’t like the gym.

Chanyeol wants to know more about _him_ , not Jongdae, so he asks the most stupid things, to make it up for the years he’s been away. There’s still things unsaid, and things they’re circling and clearly avoiding, still wary. Chanyeol puts an effort to push those aside, and just focus on his evening with his best friend after a while.

They end up watching the anime on Baekhyun’s futon. Chanyeol teases Baekhyun’s hairy legs because they really don’t match with the cute corgi socks he’s wearing. Baekhyun smacks him on the thigh and laughs when Chanyeol howls in pain.

They sleep in separate rooms, although Chanyeol can’t really sleep. He’s stuck in that awful limbo between slumber and wake, except that it’s not so bad, because he can hear Baekhyun’s light snoring from the other room.

He could get used to this, he really could.

  
  


마음이 어지럽고 가슴이 서걱거려  
함께 있어도 혼자 있는듯  
많이도 쓸쓸했어

 

Nights at the arcade with the guys are always the same. You’re not sure why you enjoy them that much. Maybe because this is your last year in highschool and these few hours spent out feel like small patches of time stolen from the night. You should be hunched on your desk at night, studying, or at least that’s what your mom would want.

Baekbeom doesn’t comment when he sees you sneak out with that grin on your face. He looks at you for a moment, then smiles and says goodbye with a nod. He knows, he’s been there. Everyone who’s been in high school has.

The arcade is an old one at the corner of the street, with only a few games from Puzzle Bubble to that Basketball simulator which you can never remember the name of. Boa’s voice’s coming out the speakers and Jongdae’s playing Tekken with Kyungsoo on two different consoles. Judging from the look on his face, Kyungsoo’s beating the shit out of him.

It’s a night just like the others.

You’re lining up for a dance rhythm game, you’re supposed to play with Sehun, who Chanyeol has basically dragged to spend some time with the rest of your group. Sehun was a bit shy at the beginning, but he clings to Kyungsoo and Jongdae a lot— he has a special way of calling them _hyung_ , when he wants something. He’s a little shit, but he’s grown on you too, despite your initial hesitation.

You can feel Chanyeol walk towards you before you even see him. You hear his footsteps— he always drags his feet like he has no energy to walk. He circles your shoulders with his arms and puts his weight on you, hooking his chin on your shoulder. He’s heavy, but not as much as you make it sound, as you groan a little. All he does is get more comfortable all draped on you like an oversized blanket.

He smells like his mom’s cooking and shampoo. It’s not a very particular scent, but you often realize you recognize it clinging on you, when Chanyeol’s spent too much time glued to your arm, or when you steal some of his clothes and conveniently forget to give them back.

You’re 18.

You’re all 18, you’re all changing your own way. You’re eating up centimeters, getting taller. You’ve started keeping secrets, and you noticed the others have too. You’ve started talking about different things, about university, about the future.

You’re growing up, and it’s scary.

You realize you thought you wanted to stop it, but then you’ve started changing too.

You don’t know why you do it. Maybe to take your little revenge. Maybe you hope for something, for some kind of reaction. Yes, that must be it. You _crave_ a reaction, when you turn your head to the side, to whisper something in Chanyeol’s ear as you’re looking at the high school boy still playing the rhythm game in front of you.

“I had sex with someone,” you tell him, spilling your own little secret.

Whatever the reaction you wanted was, the one you get is unexpected.

“You did?”

His voice is a bit coarse, and you can sense him go rigid around you.

“Who?”

You grin at him, but you shake your head. You won’t tell.

“So you’re dating someone?” he insists— his arms getting a little looser around your shoulder, as he shifts to look at your face a little better. You can’t read his expression that well, but he seems confused, shocked almost. Somewhere underneath that layer of self control you’re sure you see irritation too.

You snort. “Nah, I just wanted to try.”

He arches his brow, but doesn’t ask anymore.

You’re not sure why you do it, you’re not sure whether it’s to get your small, personal revenge against him. Maybe because you want to hurt him, just a little. You want his heart to clench like yours does whenever you see him running after Joohyun during breaks.

You wanted a reaction, and when you get it you realized maybe you shouldn’t have done it.Chanyeol walks away to talk to Kyungsoo. You’re not sure what they talk about, you’re too focused on the fact that he’s not clinging to your shoulders anymore.

You’re not sure who’s the selfish one. If it’s you, getting mad at him for liking a girl like he should. Or if it’s him, wanting you to be there for him to lean on, when he’s tired of the chase. It’s probably both of you.

A bit selfish, a bit childish.

The guy you had sex with is a guy from another class. You don’t even know him that well when you end up in a love motel, all hush hush after school. You have to make up excuses with your brother when you go back home, because it’s late. But you’re so out of it that even your excuses sound clearly made up.

The guy’s name’s Jaeyong, and you only get to know him because he asks you if you’re gay one day, near the lockers in your class. What you feel is panic at first, then relief because someone finally knows. There’s secrets that are too big to keep to yourself, and being gay is one of them.

Your first time hurts a little, and it’s really nothing special compared to what you had expected. It’s mostly clumsy and a bit gross. You and Jaeyong laugh it off, but it’s pretty clear there won’t be a second time for the two of you.

You check sex out on your list of things to do before CSAT, at least.

It’s around a week after you tell Chanyeol about having sex, that you hear someone’s confessed to him. You don’t give it particular importance, not at first. Then you hear from Kyungsoo he’s actually said yes, and you’re left wondering.

You don’t know the girl well, you’ve barely ever seen her. It’s not Bae Joohyun though, which makes you a little bitter because you thought she was the rival, and Chanyeol dating someone he barely knows, shows that _who_ it is that he’s dating doesn’t really matter. You’re still jealous.

You see the two of them in the courtyard from the class window, sharing something to eat. They look terribly normal, even the girl does. She’s no Bae Joohyun, and you’re not sure whether to be glad she’s just average, or whether it makes you angry.

Chanyeol starts having lunch with her most of the days, disappearing after school every now and then. Finally, one day you hear they’ve broken up and the girl disappears from Chanyeol’s side as abruptly as she’d appeared.

“I didn’t like her much,” Chanyeol tells you on a rainy day on the way back home.

“Get a prettier one next time,” you tell him, and that’s the end of it.

The next day you all meet at the arcade once more. Sehun’s not there and Jongdae’s feeling all grumpy because he flunked a test.

You feel Chanyeol walking towards you before you can even see him. He drapes around you as usual, hooking his chin on your shoulder.

“Tired,” he mumbles, as you line up for the dance rhythm game, and it’s all so terribly normal it scares you. Because he’s changed, and because you’ve changed too.

  
  


오랫동안 머물러줘 뼈 속까지 좋아하고  
간절해.. 간절해..

  
  
Meeting Jongdae during the weekend is kinda hard because of his part time job and assignments, but Chanyeol manages to fit in one of Jongdae’s empty slots to buy him dinner. It’s been a while since they’ve met— it was a couple of days after they’d met at Junmyeon’s, and the two of them had grabbed a quick beer and tteokbokki near Jongdae’s university.

Today they’ve decided to meet at the same place and stay a little longer. Jongdae has some assignments to finish, but Chanyeol’s pretty sure he could even coerce him into a norebang session after dinner.

“Maybe let’s not order those shrimps again,” Jongdae comments as they sit and they look at the menu.

They’d ordered tempura last time, and the shrimps came with the shell on. Jongdae wasn’t a fan and Chanyeol had to eat it all by himself, even if he wasn’t a big fan either. At least the beer was good.

“Yeah, maybe let’s not,” Chanyeol chuckles, and he quickly orders some mixed fried vegetables, _tteokbokki_ and some rice balls with seasoning and tuna.

Jongdae goes pick up chopsticks and tissues from the counter, along with a bottle of water. He grins when he comes back, peeping at the screen of Chanyeol’s phone when it lights up.

“You’ve been talking to Baekhyunie again, huh?” He teases, poking the back of Chanyeol’s hand with chopsticks.

“It’s just spam, actually,” Chanyeol says flatly as he shows him the message he just got announcing some sale going on at _Etude House._ “My sister used my number for a membership once, and I’ve been getting all kinds of spam shit after that,” he adds, his chin perched on his palm, elbows on the table.

Jongdae’s drowning in his black padded coat. His hair's hidden under a beanie except for his bangs. Under that, Chanyeol can kind of see a yellow sweatshirt and some jeans, but the padded coat is so huge that covers most of him. The way it fits him reminds Chanyeol of Baekhyun, just for a moment.

“But I heard you’ve been talking, lately,” Jongdae insists, with the same teasing tone. Chanyeol frowns, looking away. He doesn’t like the vein of humor in Jongdae’s voice, it touches nerves Chanyeol doesn’t want him to touch.

He brushes it off only because in the end, Jongdae doesn’t know much about what happened between him and Baekhyun, as far as Chanyeol knows.

“Why do you sound exactly like you’re trying to be my wingman, right now?” He asks, chuckling immediately after for no particular reason. He’s nervous, he realizes for the first time. “Plus don’t think it’ll work, you know? Pretty sure he has someone already, so whatever you’re trying won’t work.”

He tries to sound as teasing and amused as Jongdae does, but instead he just sounds bitter. He’s not sure why, it just irritates him. It reminds him how uncomfortable he felt, in front of Baekhyun’s house, when he arrived riding someone else’s car.

The waiter brings them the food they ordered, and only then Chanyeol notices Jongdae’s been silent for a second too long— unusual, for someone who always knows how to quip back.

“That's his ex boyfriend.”

Jongdae says it all of a sudden, with his chopsticks raised and a way too serious face for the atmosphere.

“The dude with the black audi? But-”

Jongdae nods, pinching the rice ball with his chopsticks and slicing it in half. “Yixing hyung is Baekhyun’s ex boyfriend. Not sure on what terms they are not, it’s none of my business but I’m sure they’re not together. They haven’t been for a while.”

Chanyeol always thinks he has all his emotions in check, when he’s focusing on them, however he can’t hide his confusion in reaction to Jongdae’s words. He takes a mouthful of the food looking down at the table, tries to formulate a train of thought.

He remembers the hickeys on Baekhyun’s body, that day when they’d stormed into his house and Baekhyun was still sleeping. And since Jongdae’s so sure that the person with the black Audi was this Yixing guy, then it must’ve been the same person in front of Baekhyun’s house.

“So his ex boyfriend drives him around,” he comments flatly. “I see.”

He doesn’t know why he feels so shitty about this whole ordeal. It had felt the same, back in the years, when Baekhyun had told him about his first time. Chanyeol had gone and found himself a girlfriend too. He’d thought it was because he didn’t want Baekhyun to _beat him_ at _growing up_. That if Baekhyun was having sex with people, then so would he.

Looking back on it now, it might have actually been something else.

“You don’t get to get mad at him for having someone, you know? Even if Yixing is not _his_ someone now, you don’t get to be grumpy about that, you asshole.”

Jongdae’s serious. There’s no trace of a joke or amusement in his voice. When Chanyeol meets his eyes he wonders if Jongdae doesn’t actually know, in the end.

“I’m not mad,” Chanyeol mutters, but he knows he doesn’t sound convincing at all.

“And that dude, Yixing, he’s pretty nice. He’s always been nice to ByunBaek. I don't care why they’ve broken up, but I honestly wish they hadn’t. And I really hope it’s not because of you.”

Chanyeol stays silent, his mouth strained in a thin line and his arms rigid to his abdomen. Jongdae must realize he’s broken a dam, because he’s taken aback. Chanyeol’s not sure he wants to know what he looks like right now.

Also, Chanyeol is pretty sure Jongdae knows by now. He feels vulnerable for a second, and at the same time Jongdae’s words coming at him like a whip feel like he’s been waiting forever, for someone to tell him how much of piece of shit he is.

“I...look.” Jongdae starts, resting his cheek on his open palm. “I just wanted us all to be friends again, I think you’d figured that one out. I was hoping we could go back to how things were. And I know you and him have always had this...whatever it was.”

He pauses, trying to find the words, and Chanyeol finds himself looking down for a moment.

Baekhyun and him have always had _something_ . He’s always known too, and yet, hearing it coming out of Jongdae’s mouth, that something sounds _dangerous_. Foreign. Too obvious.

“You always had this instant connection or whatever it was. And I know you messed it up bad. Because it messed up us all too. But I wasn’t meaning for you to...take it to the next level. Actually, I don’t think you can, or you really want to.”

“I don’t know,” Chanyeol blurts out as soon as Jongdae finishes his sentence. “I’m not sure what I want I...am just. He’s confusing. He’s...everywhere, shit. He’s always been everywhere. Even when he wasn’t.”

Chanyeol stuffs his mouth with food furiously. He can’t even bring himself to look up to Jongdae, because then he’s pretty sure Jongdae would know that Chanyeol’s mind’s overloading with flashes of Baekhyun right now. Little sparks of it, like light.

“I know.” Jongdae replies after a while, instantly sounding more comforting than accusing. “But I think taking a step back is what you should do. I just wanted the two of you to be friends again, and I thought it would work. Hell, you were talking about Joohyun until two weeks ago.”

Chanyeol isn’t sure whether to snort or cry, so he whimpers because he doesn’t have the willpower to tell Jongdae about how maybe he doesn’t like Joohyun after all.

“You don’t like him the way he wants you to like him, Yeol. I know you love him a lot and you want to please him, but that won’t do, I promise. Just...you should try to rebuilt what you had. Be friends again. Talk, eat together. I don’t know.”

Chanyeol knows Jongdae’s trying, and he also knows Jongdae’s worried sick for Baekhyun because he’s the best friend. The one who’d been replaced by Chanyeol, when him and Baekhyun _zing_ ed and became inseparable. Yet Jongdae was always there, even if Chanyeol took up 90% of Baekhyun’s time and space.

 _Rebuild what they had. Be friends again_ . As he plays around with the tteok in his plate, Chanyeol wonders if what they had, had ever been _just friendship_ , after all.

It was definitely something more. An _almost_ , before it all went to shit.

  
  


나의 시간들이 멈추려 할 때 쯤  
말없이 내 손을 꼭 붙잡아줘요  
그리고 니 몸을 내게 기울인채로  
내 왼쪽 귓가에 아주 조용하게  
하지만 선명히 내게 말해줘요  
너 역시 나에게 진심이었다고

 

Chanyeol doesn’t believe the weather forecast in the morning when it says it would rain, because despite the air being freezing, the sun is high and the sky is clear while he’s preparing to leave. He hesitates at the entrance of his small studio, can clearly picture his mom yelling at him for being an idiot, and in the end decides that taking the clear plastic umbrella to the music academy won’t hurt anyone.

He feels a strange sense of satisfaction when he notices that the sky does really get darker by the time his third class starts, because for once he won’t be completely soaked by the time he goes home. For the first time in his life he outsmarted the rain — even if in reality it was the weather forecast what outsmarted it, it doesn’t matter.

Hyunjin enters the classroom looking like the fusion between a drenched duckling and an emo kid from 2007.

“Fuck,” he curses as soon as he enters, immediately bowing when he notices Chanyeol sitting a couple of meters from him, with his eyebrow raised. “Sorry,” he mutters. Chanyeol’s almost sure what he sees on his cheeks is a vague tint of pink.

“You alright?”

“I didn’t know it would rain.”

Chanyeol snorts, but he takes Hyunjin’s drenched coat and drapes it over a chair in front of he heating system. The teenager tries to save the situation for his hair and jeans, but there’s not much to save. Even his white All Stars are drenched, and looking very not white.

Chanyeol ends up finding a towel somewhere in the stack of things he keeps at school, so at least Hyunjin’s hair is not dripping anymore, when they sit down with the instruments ready.

“ _Ssaem_ ,” Hyunjin starts as he sits next to Chanyeol, guitar positioned on his lap. “How do you know you like someone?”

Chanyeol almost laughs at him, almost calls him an idiot for asking such a question, but he remembers that Hyunjin’s a teenager in time to stop himself and sigh. “Well, I’m not sure I’m the right person to ask, to be honest.”

Hyunjin just looks at him without saying anything. He’s _waiting_ , Chanyeol can tell.

“People usually say that it makes your heart beat fast and all that jazz. But I guess...I mean, for me it was always that I wanted to be with that person a lot. And I ended up noticing the stupidest things about them. Even he grossest, I found them cute.”

He shrugs, resting his back on the chair. “I guess for me that’s how I knew.”

Hyunjin frowns, as if thinking really hard about something. “I see. And did that happen with Joohyun Noona as well?”

It baffles Chanyeol that he thinks about Joohyun only when Hyunjin mentions her. His mind kept wandering to other memories, as he was giving his two cents about having a crush. He shakes his head in response to Hyunjin’s question, smiling a little.

“I don’t like Joohyun noona, and I’m pretty sure she has a boyfriend already,” he adds the second part lowering his voice a little. “So, who’s the lucky girl?”

That’s when Hyunjin looks away, clutching his guitar to his chest a little more. “I’m...it’s not a girl, ssaem.”

Chanyeol opens his mouth to say something, but Hyunjin beats him to it.

“Can we start?”

  
  


The class goes weirdly well. Hyunjin has improved in some parts of the repetoire they had prepared, and though he makes a mess of some other parts, Chanyeol can’t complain. It’s definitely better than him coming to class to not play at all. Hyunjin leaves really fast and really quietly, but Chanyeol hears him laugh out loud from the corridor, and gets a glimpse of him and the guy from last time, Seo Changbin leaving the building with him. At least he has an umbrella, so Hyunjin won’t have to run in the rain.

By the time Chanyeol gets downstairs, the rain has turned in a real storm— thunders echoing in the distance and the whole area in front of the academy pitch black because of a sudden black out. The road in front of the academy is packed with cars, exhaust fumes and petrichor mixing in the air. It’s freezing. It will probably go below zero during the night and Chanyeol really can’t wait to get home.

Joohyun’s silhouette is impossible not to see. She’s standing at the entrance of the building in her coat and high heeled boots. Chanyeol’s not sure whether she’s waiting for someone, but the fact that she’s not holding an umbrella in her hand makes the situation pretty clear.

“Didn’t look at the weather forecast today?” He asks, approaching her.

He notices her shoulders jump a bit, but when she looks at him she’s smiling, though a bit pissed off. “I didn’t. It was sunny in the morning, I-”

“I can’t believe I managed to think ahead and noona couldn’t. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one, noona,” he teases, as the cold chills him to the bones and he feels his teeth start chattering.

“I can’t think ahead if I don’t check the weather forecast, you idiot.”

“I guess. I was smarter though, admit it”

She snorts, palming the side of her coat for something. When she takes it out Chanyeol notices it’s her packet of cigarettes. “Never,” she says belatedly, with a vein of amusement in her tone.

“Are you waiting for someone?” He asks. Any other moment he would’ve dreaded the answer, but not this time. He’s just curious to know what her answer will be, but he doesn’t feel the same urge for her to say _no_.

“Maybe,” she says. She’s still smiling, radiating positive energy from her presence only like never before. Chanyeol can’t believe Bae Joohyun chose the worst rainy day to be happy. “Are you waiting for someone?”

Chanyeol shakes his head, then lifts his umbrella a little. “I was just here showing off that I have an umbrella and you don’t. Should I lend it to the damsel in distress, is the ultimate dilemma.”

Joohyun kicks him in the shin with the point of her shoe. “Asshole.”

“I’ll walk you to the car when your guy arrives, anyway. Those boots don’t look like the safest option for rainy days,” Chanyeol offers. “Aren’t I the nicest?”

 _Shit, it’s raining_.

They hear someone’s voice behind them, and Chanyeol recognizes it, even if it’s just a murmur. Baekhyun stops right next to him and Joohyun with this very flat, impassive expression that takes Chanyeol aback for a moment. He’s wearing a coat today instead of a puffy jacket, his hair’s all over the place and he looks like he didn’t sleep well. He doesn’t look at him, avoids his gaze on purpose and Chanyeol wonders if it’s because of Joohyun.

He wonders if Baekhyun’s jealous, and what he can do about it. He needs to do something about it, doesn’t he?

Baekhyun greets Joohyun with a smile— a small, definitely forced one, but a smile nonetheless. “I’ll go first, noona,” he announces bowing quickly.

“What about your-” Joohyun can’t finish her sentence. Baekhyun pulls down his hoodie smiling at her once more and then, for a very brief moment, he locks eyes with Chanyeol.

It’s just a glance, a very quick one— a _catch me,_ _asshole_ kind of glance.

Baekhyun starts running under the rain, splashing into the puddles on the sidewalk without care. _What an idiot_ , he finds himself thinking, his limbs tingling with the instinct to run after him, to just sprint and run after him, and maybe wrap his arms around him and lock him in place.

“Are you gonna let him go like that, Park Chanyeol?” Joohyun asks next to him, her voice coated with both amusement and encouragement. Chanyeol’s eyes go to her quickly and she’s grinning, teasing.

“Oh, damn it Noona,” he mutters, then hurries to secure his umbrella in Joohyun’s hands. He makes sure her fingers are holding it, before turning around, pulling his hoodie down on his face and sprinting after Byun Baekhyun.

He feels like an idiot, he probably _is_ an idiot. The rain is so intense and loud that it almost covers any other sound in the street. Chanyeol can only hear the droplets hit his head and the area around him. The honking of cars and the low buzzing of their engines are almost completely gone.

Baekhyun’s not too far from him. He’s stopped running and maybe it’s because of the rain making everything more dramatic, but the way his shoulders slouch a little and his unhurried step make him look even more pitiful than he would in any other moment. It makes Chanyeol mad, because this is _ridiculous_.

He runs a little faster, ignoring that his jeans are now soaked wet along with is running shoes and finally grabs Baekhyun’s shoulders, pulling him back against himself.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going!” It’s supposed to be a question, but it comes out like an exclamation. “It’s raining, idiot!” Chanyeol yells some more and Baekhyun stops, so Chanyeol does as well.

Baekhyun looks up at him, tilting his head backwards just a little, enough to look at Chanyeol’s face directly. He looks like he’s in a daze for a few fleeting moments, but then Chanyeol can see his expression morphing into completely different.

“What the hell?”

“What!”

“Why did you come after me!?” Baekhyun tries to flail around, in an attempt to make Chanyeol release him even if Chanyeol’s just keeping one of his hands on Baekhyun’s shoulder. He stops when he realizes they probably look very stupid, arguing in the rain.

Chanyeol freezes, because he can’t possibly find a logic reason why he followed Baekhyun. “It’s raining,” he says, and he realizes he sounds extremely dumb, but what’s done is done.

Baekhyun’s eyes go wide, like he can’t believe his own ears. “I KNOW. So? Where’s your umbrella?”

Chanyeol doesn’t reply. He pulls Baekhyun closer again and tries to cover them both with his own jacket— thank God he always buys his clothes oversized.

“I can’t believe you ran after me and you don’t even have an umbrella,” Baekhyun complains as Chanyeol guides them both down the street, one hand keeping Baekhyun close and under his jacket, the other holding the jacket up for both of them.

“Shut up, don’t be mean.”

“Fuck,” Baekhyun replies, but he’s half laughing this time.

“I’m calling a taxi.” Chanyeol must sound exhausted. His breathing is still a little ragged from running. He tells himself he should probably stop smoking, if he plans to run after Byun Baekhyun every day of his life.

They wait on the edge of the sidewalk until one taxi driver takes pity on them and pulls off. Chanyeol pushes Baekhyun in the car first, then follows him and slumps against the seat.

The car is very warm and there’s some broadcast on the radio where they’re talking about Korean tea. Chanyeol tells the driver his address without really thinking, but Baekhyun doesn’t correct him nor complain.

He meets his gaze in the silence of the car— the pitter patter of the rain against the windows and the low chatting from the radio broadcast are the only noises aside from their breathing, in the back of the car.

Baekhyun meets Chanyeol’s eyes as he tries to curl himself up in his own coat even more. It’s completely wet, just like Chanyeol’s jacket. They’ll probably leave puddles of water on the leather seats of the taxi. Baekhyun doesn’t seem to care, though.

He smiles, and Chanyeol feels his stomach drop and his heart do stupid things. Baekhyun’s smile’s one of the nice ones, the sunny ones and he’s so _pretty_ even if his nose is running a bit an his hair is wet and plastered on his forehead.

“What?” He asks when he notices Chanyeol’s quite obviously staring. He keeps smiling, even if it falters a little and it turns into one of Baekhyun’s calm, soft smiles.

Chanyeol shakes his head, lowering his eyes to Baekhyun’s hand between the two of them. Baekhyun has pretty hands, the kind of hands that would look pretty with jewelry on them. Slender, but masculine at the same time.

Chanyeol finds himself reaching for Baekhyun’s pinkie finger. Catches it between his thumb and index, pulls at it a little. Baekhyun doesn’t seem to be annoyed by it— he lets Chanyeol play with his fingers as he looks out the window. The faint light of the streetlights create patterns dancing on his cheekbones. The rain doesn’t stop, and the car keeps moving slow in the traffic.

 

They get to Chanyeol’s house almost 30 minutes later than they would’ve usually. Baekhyun doesn’t say anything about wanting to stop at his own house instead. He follows Chanyeol quietly, shaking visibly in his coat. He even groans, annoyed almost, because he’s just cold. Chanyeol is too, but he can’t do much apart from laughing of their stupidity.

“The heating is on at home,” Chanyeol announces as they ride the elevator to his small studio.

It’s the same building where he used to live with his family, before his mom moved with Chanyeol’s dad to the countryside and Yoora moved in with her husband. His mom managed to get him a smaller apartment without Chanyeol having to look for houses himself, which was very convenient.

The elevator doors open and Chanyeol gets out first, Baekhyun following him a couple of steps behind.

“Am I gonna stay the night?” Baekhyun asks, as Chanyeol opens the door to his apartment and moves to the side to let Baekhyun in.

“Are you asking me? You can stay, if you want.” Chanyeol hopes that his voice doesn’t betray him. He wishes Baekhyun stayed, for some weird kind of greed that’s eating him from inside. Maybe it’s not greed, maybe it’s something different. Chanyeol just knows it’s there, telling him he really doesn’t want Baekhyun to leave, tonight.

“I’ll stay, then.”

Baekhyun slips his shoes off at the entrance, gets rid of his coat and drenched socks and walks in as if he’s been here countless of times, even if he hasn’t. He looks like he belongs there, snooping around Chanyeol’s living room, shamelessly plugging his phone on the first outlet he finds.

“You look like a drowned rat, Byun Baekhyun,” Chanyeol comments as he walks into the apartment, his eyes steadying on Baekhyun.

“Fuck off Yeol, have you seen yourself?” He doesn’t sound too offended, however. “Jongdae had told me you’d moved into a new apartment,” Baekhyun starts, as Chanyeol lets himself in and reaches for the fridge. “It’s nice. Almost looks like a real person’s house”

“It’s not that different from yours and Baekbeom’s,” Chanyeol shrugs, pouring some water in a cup and handing it to Baekhyun. “Mom arranged it while I was serving, apparently. Which is why it looks like someone put thought in buying the furniture and all. If it were me I’d be sleeping on the floor.”

Baekhyun sips on the water and smiles a little at Chanyeol’s words. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you did, to be honest.”

“Wanna take a shower? I’ll give you some dry clothes.”

Baekhyun nods, and Chanyeol hesitates, frowning. “I’ll go out for a smoke, you..do your thing.”

Baekhyun tilts his head to the side in confusion. “Why?”

“Your thing with bathrooms,” Chanyeol replies a bit more quietly.  “Is it gone?”

“Ah.” Baekhyun shakes his head, chuckling. “It’s still fine with you. You can stay, smoke your cigarette near the window tho.”

Chanyeol doesn’t smoke in the end, and when he hears the water running from the bathroom he lets himself fall on the sofa, with a sigh. Baekhyun’s left his soaked hoodie on the armrest of the sofa, and Chanyeol can’t help but think once again that it looks terribly familiar.

He loses himself in thoughts about the academy and the things they have to prepare for the festival. And Hyunjin, and his crush on...a guy? Apparently? The sound of the water from the bathroom is continuous and soothing almost, and even if he’s still partially wet and he really needs a warm shower too, he finds himself dozing off before he realizes it.

When he opens his eyes again, Baekhyun’s standing in front of him, one hand very close to Chanyeol’s face and the expression of someone who was caught redhanded.

“You done already?” He asks, even though he really wants to ask Baekhyun what he was doing and why his hand was so close to his face. Knowing Baekhyun, though, he probably wouldn’t reply, so Chanyeol leaves it at it.

Baekhyun nods, sitting next to Chanyeol on the sofa, his legs crossed. “You can go take one too now.”  

“Mmh…” Chanyeol’s eyes fall on the folded hoodie on the sofa once again. It’s grey, with a small emblem on the chest. “Is that hoodie mine? Or was it?”

Baekhyun looks taken aback, then doubtful. He takes the hoodie in his hands, looks at it for a few seconds, squinting his eyes. “I think so? You must’ve given it to me in high school, then I forgot to give it back.”

“You never gave my clothes back, Byun Baekhyun. It was to the point that people could think you didn’t own any clothes of yours.” Not that he minded, really. But he likes to see Baekhyun’s features change into one look of vague shyness.

“Eheh,” he laughs stupidly. “I guess that’s true.”

Chanyeol should really take that shower and leave Baekhyun and his stupid laughter in the living room, but he really can’t convince himself to do so. Not when Baekhyun looks so soft and fluffy in Chanyeol’s oversized clothes.

“Why did you run away, back at the academy?” Chanyeol starts asking, cautiously. “You saw me there and you know I had an umbrella. We could’ve gone together, or waited together, I don’t know.”

He notices how Baekhyun almost cowers, as if he really doesn’t want to give an answer to this question. However when he stretches his lips in a smile again, it’s one of the fake, careless smiles Baekhyun sports when he’s hurt and he doesn’t want people to see that he is. “I thought you were going with Joohyun noona,” he says. “And I thought…” the smile falters a little, then Baekhyun shrugs and whatever he had to say dies in his throat.

“And so you ran in the rain like an idiot,” Chanyeol comments, his voice flat, trying to get the mood up again. “StupidHyun,” he teases, and flicks Baekhyun’s forehead hard enough to make Baekhyun curl up on himself and whimper.

  
“Asshole, that hurt” he mumbles while Chanyeol’s still chuckling.

“I told you I don’t think I like her anymore, so don’t pull off shit like what you did today please. What if I get tuberculosis and die because I had to chase you in the middle of a storm, huh?” He’s only half serious, so Baekhyun kicks him in the thigh ending up half laying down on the sofa, and he’s pouting when he looks up again.

They stare at each other for a few very long seconds, Baekhyun lying down on the sofa and Chanyeol with his lap full of Baekhyun’s naked legs. He’s still warm from the shower, and he’s wearing some gym shorts Chanyeol gave him, along with a big, white t-shirt. His hair— black, kinda long, is still damp. Baekhyun pushes it back so that his forehead shows, and maybe it must be that. Or the fact that the white t-shirt is wet if a couple areas around Baekhyun’s shoulder.

Chanyeol finds himself staring, as he feels heat creep up the back of his neck. He’s always stared at Baekhyun plenty, since when they were in high school. Had the heat always been there? Had Baekhyun always been so attractive, even doing absolutely nothing?

Chanyeol has to look away to get some oxygen back into his brain. If Baekhyun notices, he doesn’t say anything about it, not even when Chanyeol pushes the boy’s legs off his lap and stands up, walking towards the kitchenette.

He gulps on some water, intently looking ahead, then announces he’ll shower and Baekhyun hums at that, playing with his phone distractedly. Chanyeol notices his t-shirt has raked up Baekhyun’s abdomen, showing part of his tummy. Baekhyun doesn’t have abs or anything, it’s just a flat, slightly tanned abdomen. But even at that, Chanyeol has to force himself to look away, burying down the thought that maybe he wouldn’t mind seeing more.

 

They end up watching a replay of an old Korean movie called New World, on tv. It's the one Baekhyun loves to make impressions of. Baekhyun has this habit of taking more space than he really needs on the sofa and leaning into Chanyeol, to the point where they’re entangled one with the other by the end of the movie and Chanyeol swears it’s all Baekhyun’s fault.

“What is the bathroom thing about, by the way?” Chanyeol asks all of a sudden while the credits starts appearing on the tv screen. “It’s always been like that, you were all prickly about it with me too, at first.”

Baekhyun shrugs, and for a moment Chanyeol hesitates. He wonders if it’s a question he can ask. What if is some small scar Baekhyun really doesn’t want to talk about?

When Baekhyun meets his eyes he’s smiling, so maybe it’s not the case. “When I was young Baekbeom had one of his friends over, and I was showering. Or taking a dump, I can’t remember. He slammed the door open because I forgot to close it, so yeah.”

So that’s that.

Chanyeol doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but the first one wins in the end. He detangles himself from Baekhyun’s legs and stands up chortling as he cleans the small table in front of the tv. “I can’t believe I never asked because I was afraid something really bad had happened to you. Like someone had tried to kidnap you while peeing…”

“It was close enough,” Baekhyun replies all offended, as he stretches, all arms and legs and naked tummies. “I’m tired,” he announces. “Gonna sleep.”

He doesn’t ask Chanyeol, he doesn’t look like he thinks about it. He just walks towards the bedroom where he’d snooped in earlier in the evening, yawning as he stretches some more with both hands on his lower back. That must be what makes Chanyeol’s heart stutter for a moment, the fact that Baekhyun has always fit so naturally in his life. It didn’t matter whether they fought, punched or piggybacked each other on the way back home. Baekhyun would always find a way to fit, like a perfect puzzle piece in Chanyeol’s daily life.

 

Chanyeol tells himself it _just can’t be_ , as he lies down next to Baekhyun in the darkness of his bedroom. Baekhyun’s nose is lit neon as he scrolls through his phone, and Chanyeol can see his lips curl up in a kittenish smile when Chanyeol curls on one side, the side facing him.

“Night,” Chanyeol says, his voice coming up rougher than it should, his heart threatening to jump out of his throat. Baekhyun hums at him, but he must turn his phone screen off after a while, because Chanyeol realize the small white light is gone.

He doesn’t know how much time passes, but it must be in that small space between sleep and awake, when he’s feeling all fuzzy and he doesn’t want to let go of dreams yet. He feels fingers carding through his hair. But then, again, maybe he’s wrong.

Baekhyun’s on the phone when he wakes up, sitting on the edge of the bed. He hears the name _Yixing hyung_ , and instantly his mood goes rock bottom.

  
  


떠나려하면 어떻게 하나요  
붙잡아 봐도 떠나려 한다면

 

Chanyeol’s birthday arrives at the end of November like every year, and Chanyeol’s always been the best birthday boy. He’s always found birthday exciting, always found the way to celebrate them with his friends. This year, though, his birthday comes around before he can realize, and he wouldn’t mind ignoring it.

It’s been a week since Baekhyun’s been at his place, and they’ve been talking like usual both at work and off work. Baekhyun’s a big texter, while Chanyeol prefers to call people— it gets the job done quicker. Baekhyun’s also a great sender of emojis, which Chanyeol has greatly adjusted to, even buying a set or two because _cute animated animals on his screen_.

However that last phone call with _Yixing hyung_ has kept disturbing his peace of mind for a week now, which is extremely stupid and selfish, Chanyeol realizes. He know when he’s being annoyed at something he has no right to be annoyed at, but at the same time he can’t help it. Jongdae had said this Yixing dude was an ex boyfriend, but was Baekhyun still sleeping with the guy? Was the guy really an ex boyfriend?

Being too proud to ask Baekhyun himself is another source of problems, which is why Chanyeol keeps brooding for a week, like the dramatic hero he is.

It’s Kyungsoo who drags him to Itaewon for a drink at the pub where Chanyeol used to work at, before leaving for the military. He doesn’t mention, though, that he’s also called the others to celebrate Chanyeol’s birthday and that everyone has already agreed to meet there. So Chanyeol’s excitement peaks for a moment, when they reach Sunset Beach in one of the back streets of Itaewon and he notices Jongdae, Sehun, Junmyeon and even Junmyeon’s girlfriend are there already.

“Here’s the birthday boy!” Junmyeon hugs him and pats him on the back first, followed by Jongdae’s bro hug and fist and a lot of _Happy Birthday_ s coming after that.

He’s happy as they walk in and they occupy one of the tables in the area they only open in the winter, since it’s freezing already. He’s happy, yes, but he can’t help but look around searching for the only face he hasn’t seen in the group of friends who met him for the night.

“Looking for Byun Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo asks, leaning closer to Chanyeol’s ear. He then takes a sip from his cocktail and throws a glance towards the entrance of the bar. “He said he’d be late, but he’s coming.”

Chanyeol grunts somethings similar to an answer, concentrating on his long island and Sehun’s conversation with Jongdae about marvel heroes. Jongdae insists Spiderman’s new movie is shit, Sehun doesn’t agree. Chanyeol would gladly join when somehow they start raising their voices and they start looking more conceited, but that’s when Kyungsoo raises an arm, signaling to someone behind Chanyeol’s back.

 _Baekhyun_ , Chanyeol thinks, turning around ready to nag him for being late on his birthday, when he notices Baekhyun came with someone else. The guy’s around the same height as Baekhyun, dressed way too smart for the casual atmosphere of the meeting. Chanyeol feels as if someone just punched him really hard in the gut. Baekhyun shakes his hand a little, smiling and coming closer to the table.

“Happy Birthday,” he congratulates, standing behind Chanyeol’s chair. “I’ll take one drink at the counter with Yixing hyung, since he has to leave soon. I’ll be back.”

“Can’t believe you’re late today,” Sehun comments, as he pulls at Baekhyun’s coat laughing.

The others are busy greeting Yixing, sharing small talk as if they’ve known him forever and Chanyeol can’t help but feel a little out of place, for a moment. Yixing introduces himself to him, but Chanyeol’s so out of it, his gaze constantly sliding towards Baekhyun, that he can barely remember it.

His eyes linger on Baekhyun’s lower back, where Yixing rests his hand as they walk towards the counter. Chanyeol turns back to his drink, hoping for the alcohol to alleviate the sting, even if just a little bit.

“Don’t look at him like you want to kill him,” Kyungsoo murmurs next to him with a frown. “You’re being too obvious.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chanyeol replies flatly. He’s lying, and Kyungsoo knows, Chanyeol knows, and even Jongdae giving Chanyeol the _I’m watching you_ kind of look from the opposite side of the table knows.

“I heard you finally let go of the Bae Joohyun madness,” Kyungsoo starts, his voice low as he pushes his glasses up his nose.

Chanyeol’s eyes wanders as he hums. It’s a saturday night so the pub is full and the counter is busy. The bartender Chanyeol used to know has been replaced by someone younger and taller, all limbs and a swarovski piercing on the side of his nose— it sparkles, if Chanyeol looks at it long enough.

The music’s loud compared to Kyungsoo’s voice, but Chanyeol hears the other’s words anyway. “So you’ve started with the Baekhyun madness now?”

Just as Kyungsoo says it, Chanyeol notices Baekhyun looking at him from the counter. He’s not even hiding it, his hand framing half of his face as he looks back at Chanyeol, smiling slightly and speaking with his lips touching his fingertips. Chanyeol swallows, unable to avoid his gaze, to stop looking. Baekhyun looks beautiful in the shadows of the pub, even if he’s talking to another guy, even if that other guy’s his ex boyfriend, or fuckbuddy or-

Chanyeol doesn’t know anymore, but he’d gladly let Baekhyun do whatever he wants to him, as long as he can get closer to those hands, and those lips.

“I guess,” he tells Kyungsoo. “Pretty sure it’s the alcohol speaking, but he looks very pretty right now.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen, but Chanyeol’s already standing up so he doesn’t even notice. Nobody at the table says anything, they must think Chanyeol’s going to the loo or something, or they are fast enough to know what’s going on and smart enough not to comment. Chanyeol doesn’t really care at this point.

The irritation that has been burning low and constant in a corner of his mind for the past week is growing insistent as he approaches the counter, right as he notices Yixing leaving. He doesn’t kiss Baekhyun goodbye, he just leaves, and Chanyeol thinks he must be an idiot, when Baekhyun’s lips glistens so inviting in the faint lights of the pub.

“What the fuck” he starts, and he knows things will probably go downhill from there. “It’s my birthday, Hyun.”

Baekhyun doesn’t look surprised that Chanyeol’s there. He keeps looking back, a bit soft and languid, heavy lidded. He smiles, but it looks like a grin more than a smile. “Happy birthday, then.”

“And you brought that guy here for what, to annoy me?” He doesn’t realize he’s raising his voice until Baekhyun grabs him by the wrist and jumps off the stool where he was perched up like the prettiest of birds.

He pulls, and Chanyeol can’t help but follow. _It has always been like this, hasn’t it?_

“He stopped for like five minutes, he’s gone now, you can drop your alpha dog shit,” Baekhyun says as soon as they stop, a little down the road from the pub. “Why are you so annoyed by the way? You have no right to be annoyed, Park Chanyeol, you know it.”

It cuts whatever Chanyeol had to say. His rage and irritation, that fire inside him is put out the second Baekhyun mentions he has _no right_. Because he doesn’t, and he’s aware of that. He curls his shoulders in a little, looking down as a hand instinctively reaches for the back of his neck, scratching a non existent itch.

“I know I have no rights, but I’m annoyed anyway.” He pauses. “It’s my birthday.”

He almost expects Baekhyun to coo, but he doesn’t. When he looks up again, Baekhyun seems like hesitating, like on the verge of doing something and thinking about it over and over again.

“Is he your boyfriend?” He asks, even though he knows. He wants to hear Baekhyun say it, confirm it.

Baekhyun shakes his head, his face sporting this almost surprised look. “Not anymore,” he replies curtly, then brings both his hands to his lips, breathing in them and creating a small cloud of steam for how cold it is.

Chanyeol reaches for them before he realizes it— he reaches for Baekhyun’s pinkie, and Baekhyun lets him as usual.

“So what? Are _you_ gonna be my boyfriend?” he snorts.

Chanyeol could swear that there’s hope in his voice, which is what holds him back. He would’ve laughed it off, years ago. But now, he can’t bring himself to give Baekhyun a proper answer.

“I-”

“It’s fine,” Baekhyun says with one of his fake, defensive smiles, ready to walk back. “I know,” he says. Maybe it’s because Baekhyun sounds so bitter that Chanyeol reacts, letting go of Baekhyun’s fingers and closing the distance between the two of them.

Baekhyun’s hands reach for Chanyeol’s coat, gripping at it for dear life as he locks eyes with him— there it is, the anticipation in Baekhyun's eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” Chanyeol asks, but he’s cradling Baekhyun’s cheek in his palm already— leaning in, one breath away from his lips. His heart his thrashing in his throat, before Baekhyun yanks his coat towards him and presses their lips together.

Chanyeol’s lips open immediately and Baekhyun follows too, letting go of Chanyeol’s coat and reaching for the hand on his cheek. Their tongues slide together, the motions slow, tentative at first, then more hurried, desperate almost. Chanyeol brings his hand to hold the other side of Baekhyun’s face, almost trying to keep him there, and Baekhyun sighs against his lips, his eyes opening slightly to meet Chanyeol’s gaze.

Chanyeol tells himself it’s fine if they’re kissing, because of the alcohol, because it’s his birthday, and because Baekhyun’s lips looked so kissable, even though Yixing didn’t kiss them.

That’s when Baekhyun releases his coat completely and draws back, looking stunned, terrified. “Shit,” he says, looking down, then up again to Chanyeol.

“I- wait, Hyun.”

“Shit!” Baekhyun repeats, louder this time. He stumbles one step back when Chanyeol tries to step one forward, then he rushes towards the pub, one hand on his lips and the other messing up the already messy mop of hair on his head.

Chanyeol can’t move for a few seconds, the air feels suddenly too cold against his skin. He remembers Jongdae reminding him that he doesn’t like Baekhyun like that. That he should back off. That whatever he had in mind he didn’t want to do it to please Baekhyun. He’d thought Jongdae was right, back then.

But now, as he stands alone in the poorly lit back alley he realizes that this kiss was a selfish one. That he wasn’t trying to please Baekhyun, but rather he was trying to please himself.


	4. Chapter 4

유난히 내 주변에만 산소가 모자란 듯  
숨이 막히고 미칠 듯 답답해요  
하늘이 무너져 내려 떨궈진 내 눈물이  
발 밑에 구름 위로 흩어 지네요

 

It’s hot.

All your highschool memories are somehow linked with how hot it is, and how the sun shines bright on the courtyard you always see when you look outside the window. Big, spacious and red because of the sand. There’s a continuous white line following its perimeter, straight and neat and two basketball backboards on the opposite sides of it.

You know the field well, you stare at it a lot when you’re bored in class and you need to space out a little. You also know the field well because of how many times you’ve ran laps around it, panting like crazy under the sun— your t-shirt sticking to your skin and sweat beading on your eyelashes.

Especially on a specific Monday where the teacher has you, Chanyeol, and Jongdae run around the field for what feels like an eternity because of something stupid the three of you did that pissed him off. You don’t remember what that something is, since you, Chanyeol, and Jongdae always cause trouble for one reason or the other— the loud, stupid three of you.

The teacher tells you to run your laps, and you all groan because that’s the last thing you want to do when it’s summer and there’s not a shade on the field. He doesn’t care, of course.

Chanyeol’s the first to start running, with those long legs of his— when did he get so tall, really? It feels like you blinked one day, and you suddenly had to lift your head to look at him and his stupidly messy hair, tall, handsome nose.

It’s been a while since you’ve known, a while since probably everyone around you has caught up with your secret crush. Except for Chanyeol, of course.

For how fast he runs ahead of you— under the scorching sun, all limbs and hair to the wind, Chanyeol’s pretty slow when it comes to feelings, to understanding people. He’s not a good people reader, and it’s hilarious whenever people are mad at him and he’s there, painfully trying to understand what’s going on.

You find it cute, Kyungsoo finds it hopeless. Kyungsoo also says that you’re hopeless.

Jongdae’s running ahead of you as well, appearing out of nowhere as you feel your legs give in after a while. It’s hot, so hot and you can’t run under the sun.

How many more laps, again?

You have no idea. 30? The teacher shamelessly gave you a number of laps that nobody in their right mind would run. You secretly think he just wants to see you faint, and maybe crawl asking for forgiveness.

You have a piercing pain in your hip, like a needle stabbing continuously as you breathe in and out from your mouth. You’re a really shitty runner, and you make no mystery of that. So you try to distract yourself, and you look ahead as Chanyeol keeps running steady, as if it were nothing.

It’s so hot and sunny that your vision blurs when you focus on him too much. He’s far, too far for you to reach, but when he turns around to check on you and Jongdae behind him he smiles and it’s more blinding than the sun. Dazzling.

You’re in love, _shit_ you’re so in love.

It’s rare for Chanyeol to be the one carrying you, but your legs shake when you’re trying to go up the stairs to your classroom, so he draped you on his shoulders, half dragging you, half piggybacking you as Jongdae holds your shoes, in front of the two of you.

“Aaah- I hate that idiotic teacher, I can’t believe he had us running so much”

Jongdae’s just as tired as you are, probably, but someone’s told you he plays football a lot in his free time with the kids from his neighborhood and suddenly the fact that he’s not dying like you are makes more sense.

It’s afternoon, the sun is setting and Chanyeol’s nape smells nice as you rest your chin on his shoulder and let yourself enjoy it for a moment.

You hope he doesn’t notice your heart running crazy speed, thrashing in your chest like it’s threatening to jump out of it— but who are you kidding, he probably does.

“You feeling unwell?” He asks, worry lacing his voice as he turns his head a little. “Do you want me to take you to the infirmary?”

 _I’m fine_ , you want to say, but you hum something unintelligible and Chanyeol hums back. Jongdae eyes the two of you as he leaves. Chanyeol explains he’ll be taking you to the nurse, probably snatch a 15 minutes chance for a nap.

You know what Jongdae sees, when he looks at the two of you. You know what his eyes are saying as they lock with yours, but you give an apologetic smile back and you hope it’s not as obvious for Chanyeol as it is for anyone else, how smitten you are.

 

You sit on the infirmary bed. The nurse’s not there, so you and Chanyeol just decided to sneak in and chat for a while, before going back to class.

Chanyeol’s sitting on a chair to the side of the bed— your feet on his lap, as you lie down on the bed sideways, your nose up to the ceiling.

Chanyeol circles your ankles, presses the bones there, then the muscles of your calves, as if trying to untangle all your knots and touch the soreness of your legs away.

When you glimpse at him you notice he’s looking at you with these eyes you don’t know and you’ve never seen before— not dark and intense, but more like sweet and confused at the same time.

He smiles at you. “Feel better?”

“You suck at massages, Park Chanyeol.” He does, it’s mostly painful, but you don’t mind his hands on your skin at all. Everything’s so hot because summer’s approaching and even Chanyeol’s hands are especially warm. But as much as you hate the heat, you don’t mind his hands— better, you want them there.

He’s still staring when you sit up, but his fingers just circle your ankles now, almost absentmindedly. “Your feet stink a lot by the way,” he comments with a snort.

You kick him in the chest, and he laughs some more, and the love you have for him feels like it’s pulsating inside you, radiating luminous as Chanyeol dives in to tickle you and your laughters mold into one.

 

The day after, a storm breaks.

You remember looking out the classroom window, as the raindrops hit the glass surface hard, violently like hail. The sudden whiteness of the lightning outside blinds you. You look straight at it and it explodes on your face like a thousand suns but stronger. It surprises you, just like the _ooh_ s from your classmates.

They ignore the teacher as they storm to the window, Jongdae included. They look like they’ve never seen a storm before, for how much they fight for a good spot.

You stay there, the side of your face cradled on your palm, as your pencil lazily writes some scribbles on a notebook. When the thunder breaks you feel your heart jump, and your hand zigzags on the paper out of control for a second.

You stare at the big, dark blue clouds outside wildly, in defiance, because they scared you. You feel strangely silly about it, but you’re almost sure nobody’s looking.

When you turn around, you realize you’re wrong, because Chanyeol’s eyes are on you, and his cheeks are strangely pink in the dim light of the class during the storm.

You wonder what that means. You want to ask him, and you wonder if he would tell you.

Maybe he will tell you, when the storm ends. You hope he does.

  
  
  
  
  


그래요 나란 사람 참 힘들죠  
고장나 버렸단 걸 알아요  
그래도 날 포기해버리진  
말아줬으면 좋겠어요  
  


 

The week after the kiss feels like going back to square one.

The gentle roughness of Baekhyun’s chapped lips against his haunts Chanyeol like a nightmare—it’s still there if he concentrates enough. What’s worse is that he’s craving to feel it again, and if the jealousy and the fact that his eyes constantly searched for Baekhyun, lingered on him and drank him in like the most expensive of whiskey weren’t already a hint, the fact that the kiss felt so real and _present_ even after a week definitely confirms it.

Chanyeol is an idiot and he’s done the one thing he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do, not after what had happened during their 3rd year of high school. Chanyeol can be selfish and definitely stupid, but he’s aware of his mistakes. He tries to fix them, maybe not in the best of ways, but he does try. And falling for Baekhyun is something that shouldn’t have happened, Chanyeol knows. Coming back after two years and trying to start again from where they’d left off was a huge mistake. Maybe not one he made on his own, but a mistake nonetheless and Chanyeol knows that as well.

The best thing Chanyeol could’ve done for Baekhyun is disappear like he did. Forget him, like he did. Wish him his best and hope that Baekhyun can be as strong by himself as he was when Chanyeol was always perching his head on his shoulders— when they wore the same uniform and walked the same way back home.

He’s aware of that, he was so aware from the start that he realized he screwed up bad and left for the military, hoping for everyone to forget about him. It didn’t matter how much he wanted to go back to Baekhyun and beg him to forgive him. Being gone was the best solution and he threw that away the second he walked into Baekhyun’s apartment with Jongdae, three months before.

That’s when he started to _want_. To think that maybe he could _have_ . That’s when he started falling for him all over again— Baekhyun in his studio room wearing his boxers, with a hickey on his shoulder and tired, swollen eyes. He was too surprised to notice how pretty Baekhyun had become, too closed up in his own resolution to _stay away,_ to actually notice he could’ve fixed them so much earlier, if he hadn’t been so blind and so _scared_.

Or maybe— and that’s the option that made Chanyeol’s stomach feel strangely empty and uncomfortable in fear— he’s been wanting all along, falling all along and he’d buried it so deep that he hadn’t been able to see it until now.

What an idiot.

The week after the kiss feels like going back to square one, because Baekhyun avoids him as soon as Chanyeol tries to talk to him. He has this small, sad smile to his face, as if he’s trying to tell Chanyeol _there’s nothing he can do,_  and it’s driving him crazy.

That, and the fact that Baekhyun _does_ look at him. Chanyeol feels his eyes on him at the music academy. Sees him glance into his classroom while Chanyeol’s giving his guitar lessons. The preparations for the New Year Concert are crazy and everyone is on edge, students included. There’s a lot of shuffling of classes, rehearsals together and a lot of time Chanyeol and Baekhyun spend forced in the same room, with their students practicing and them making sure they’re in their best shape for the concert.

And in each and every one of those occasions Baekhyun stares intensely, continuously. Chanyeol has no idea how to deal with it, because whenever he tries to talk to him, Baekhyun runs away, says they have nothing to say. Which of course is bullshit, if you ask Chanyeol, since Baekhyun kissed him back and shoved his tongue in his mouth. There definitely _is_ something to talk about.

 

“Is there something going on between you and Byun _ssaem_?” Hyunjin asks, as he and Changbin are leaving after their joint practice.

Chanyeol shakes his head, waving a hand as if to chase the conversation away like an annoying fly.

“It looks to me like there is,” Hyunjin insists like the little shit he is, stopping there and looking as if he won’t leave until he gets the answer he wants. Chanyeol thinks students are scary, especially his students and especially _this one_ student.

“Even Woo _ssaem_ said something was off,” Changbin joins the discussion with one of his suspicious looks, as he drapes an arm around Hyunjin’s shoulders. Chanyeol notices Hyunjin go extremely still for a moment, then relax, and he wonders if maybe there’s something he’s not quite catching. That wouldn’t be surprised after all.

Regarding the Baekhyun situation, he tells himself he’ll knee Jiho in the balls when he sees him because he shouldn’t meddle, and he shouldn’t tell students private things.

“We’re all very tense and busy because our students are very lacking and they keep making mistakes,” he lies. The two of them are particularly good, but Hyunjin and Changbin don’t really react to it. They just raise an eyebrow. “So Byun Baekhyun _sonsaengnim_ is stressed too.”

He can hear himself be very shitty at pulling excuses and internally grimaces at the two students’ unimpressed faces. “Whatever, guys. Scram. You’re annoying. I’ll see you tomorrow, and Hyunjin practice some more on the part we highlighted. Changbin you make sure he does it, alright?”

Hyunjin snorts, glances at Changbin and shrugs. “Whatever you did to Byun Baekhyun _ssaem_ make sure to fix it, _ssaem_. You keep looking at him funny.”

Changbin chuckles and drags Hyunjin away putting his weight on him enough that Hyunjin has to hunch a little. They’re both laughing as they leave, and Chanyeol can’t help but wonder what the hell happened to feral, stray cat Hyunjin he met a couple months ago.

He sighs, as he starts collecting his papers and putting his guitar aside. He tries to fit a few of the music sheets in the front pocket of his guitar case, too lazy to actually put them back where they belong, and as he does so he takes a glimpse of something odd in the same pocket.

_What the fuck_

It’s an old music notebook, the name Park Chanyeol written on top. Yet, when he opens it, he can tell immediately it’s not his own handwriting. There’s a lot of notes, lyrics scribbled here and there. Piano chords, black music notes going up and down the straight, faint line of the music staff printed on each page.

He’d almost forgotten about it. The notebook was only half filled in, the last time he’d seen it, as Baekhyun napped on it in the orange afternoon light of their last semester.

There’s a noise and when he looks up, Baekhyun’s in the doorway. His eyes shift from Chanyeol to the notebook he’s holding, and there’s something close to shock on his face for one very small second, then he looks like he really wants to leave.

“Joohyun noona wants to talk to you,” he says, making it sound like it’s not a big deal. Like everything is fine. _It’s not_.

Chanyeol ignores the notebook and the information for Joohyun for now. He closes the distance between the two of them, and he sees Baekhyun physically step back, looking down. Chanyeol could swear Baekhyun’s neck gets awfully red in way too little time.

“I really _really_ need to talk to you, Hyun. And you need to talk to me too because I’ll go crazy if you don’t.” Chanyeol sounds like he’s begging, and if he didn’t know that Baekhyun would immediately leave if he grabbed his hand, he’d definitely do that.

There it is again, Baekhyun’s sad, sort of grimacey smile. The more Chanyeol looks at it, the more bitter it looks. “There’s nothing to talk about, Yeol. We were drunk, we kissed because I looked pitiful enough for you to want to kiss me.”

Chanyeol frowns, as something close to anger rises again in the pit of his stomach. “What are you talking about?”  
  
Baekhyun never looked pitiful, Chanyeol kissed him because he wanted to, because he needed to. He needed to know for sure, and now he does, and if only Baekhyun gave him a chance.

“You know I like you, you knew back then too. And I know you love me a lot and would do anything to make me happy, but.. I know you don’t like me that way, Park Chanyeol.” He keeps smiling, but he looks like he would rather cry, really.

It doesn’t make any sense. “It’s not like that, Baekhyun- shit, I swear. Did-” It’s the same thing Jongdae said, the same words, and they suddenly resonate in Chanyeol’s ears. “The fuck did Jongdae tell you?”

Baekhyun tilts his head to the side, “Jongdae?” he asks, and he sounds genuinely confused enough for Chanyeol to be sure that Baekhyun came to his conclusions alone.

That’s how impossible it sounds to others, the fact that he could love Baekhyun. Not as a friend, but as something more. And Chanyeol can only blame himself for that, can he?

“Look, I swear it’s not what you think. Why don’t we go talk somewhere else? A coffee shop or something,” he prompts, and he sounds like he’s panicking badly because he doesn’t want Baekhyun to leave again. He doesn’t want him to believe that he kissed him out of pity.

Baekhyun parts his lips to say something, his eyes looking between troubled and hopeful once again, but someone calls him from one of the classrooms down the corridor and Baekhyun shakes his head.

“It’s fine, Yeol. I understand,” Baekhyun says. Stupid, stubborn idiot.

“Hyun seriously, that’s _not it_. I swear-”

“We can talk next time, ok? They’re calling me.”

He says that, and he even smiles as he leaves with Chanyeol still standing in the doorway like an idiot. Except that the second Chanyeol tries to talk to him again, Baekhyun goes back to small talk and sad smiles.

  
  


멀어지고 있었고 잊혀지고 있었어  
뒤틀린 공기 뒤틀린 공간 모든게 낯설어서  
마음이 어지럽고 가슴이 서걱거려  
함께 있어도 혼자 있는듯 많이도 쓸쓸했어   
So I fell in love. oh alright fell in love

 

Jongdae announces the barbecue night with a call to Chanyeol’s phone on Thursday evening. “It’s gonna happen on Saturday,” he says, and he doesn’t leave Chanyeol much room to object. It’ll be just like any other barbecue night, a throwback to their last year of high school, when Junmyeon hyung paid for the barbecue since he’d successfully gotten into his university of choice.

“Is Byun Baekhyun coming too?” Chanyeol asks, half expecting a no, given how much Baekhyun’s been avoiding him. But Jongdae’s reply surprises him.

 _Why shouldn’t he come?_ is all he says. Which means either Baekhyun hasn’t told Jongdae about the kiss, or Jongdae is a damn good actor. Chanyeol low-key hopes for the second. Hopefully, if he can’t fix him and Baekhyun, Jongdae can.

Also, something in the back of his brain tells him that’s exactly what Jongdae’s trying to do with his barbecue night.

 

By the time Chanyeol is done with the work he had to do for the music festival and gets to the restaurant in xx-Dong, the others have been eating for a while already. The restaurant is packed, as it would be during the weekend, and the smell of grilled meat wafts from the inside before Chanyeol can even open the door. The other people eating at the tables are loud, especially a group of old people to the side of the room.

Now that he’s here, the group is complete. They’re all sitting at a round table with a vent above the grilling meat and way too many _soju_ bottles on it  for the time they’ve been there. Junmyeon’s the first one to notice him, and he half stands up to wave his hand energetically with a smile. That’s when everyone else turns around and they can see him as well.

“How are you always late, Park trash? Huh?” Jongdae greets him, smacking his ass as soon as Chanyeol approaches the table.

Sehun’s resting his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, Junmyeon looks very red in the face and Baekhyun...well, Baekhyun doesn’t look too good. He meets Chanyeol’s eyes with this half lidded, very drunk stare and he opens his mouth to say something, but then looks like he forgot about it.

“What’s up with him?” Chanyeol asks, as he folds his padded coat and shoves it in the container-like stool where he immediately sits. “And I had work to do, plus why did you choose to come here? Wasn’t there a restaurant that was closer?”

Jongdae shrugs, glancing at Baekhyun with overly worried eyes. “He came and started drinking.”

“The reviews for this restaurant were good and Junmyeonie hyung wanted to try it, so…” Kyungsoo explains, him looking at Baekhyun a bit apprehensively too.

Baekhyun, on the other hand, chuckles by himself and shows his empty soju cup to Jongdae. “Now that Chann..Channyeol is here we need to do a cheers! We haven’t yet, c’mon…”

Junmyeon chortles, as Sehun pours everyone’s soju in their cups and they all join them at the middle for a toast. “Was he always such a lightweight?” Junmyeon asks, as Baekhyun gulps on his soju and goes out in a loud, raspy _aaaahhh_ , before flopping like a deflated balloon on Jongdae’s shoulder.

“I told you not to drink, huh? Why did you drink so much, you idiot?” Jongdae tries to shove him away, then feed him some of the meat that’s been cooking on the grill for a while now. Baekhyun takes it obediently, and his eyes end up on Chanyeol again, locked on him like he’s acquired a target. His face is way too red, up to his ears, it’s almost endearing.

They start chatting about everything and nothing at the same time. It’s especially Sehun and Junmyeon leading the conversation, talking about Marvel movies again, like they did on Chanyeol's brithday. Chanyeol butts in every now and then, as he gulps on way more alcohol than he should be drinking. Kyungsoo also comments here and there, followed by Jongdae and some nonsense Baekhyun throws in, completely intoxicated. The voices in the restaurant seem to become louder and louder the more alcohol Chanyeol puts in his system. His laughter becomes lauder too, and more boisterous as Junmyeon makes some obnoxious jokes that for some reason sound extremely funny for Chanyeol now.

Baekhyun’s eyes keep staying fixed on Chanyeol when they’re talking about The Dark Knight, and when the conversation shifts towards old 90s anime that were worth watching, and which ones weren’t.

Chanyeol feels his brain getting fuzzy, and Baekhyun’s eyes on him constantly. Even Jongdae notices something’s off between the two of them, since they haven’t interacted at all for the whole evening, when the situation was alright a couple weeks earlier.

“Yeah, Chanyeol’s here. What are you looking at him like you wanna punch him, for?” Jongdae asks, and Baekhyun’s eyes shift to him as he pouts. Kyungsoo and Sehun on the other side of the table laugh at how annoyed Jongdae looks. Chanyeol just feels very out of place for a moment— maybe because of Baekhyun, maybe because this whole scene feels so normal, so similar to what they used to do when they were younger that it’s eerie.

“He’s an asshole…” Baekhyun whines, pointing at Chanyeol, then turning around to actually look at him and say it to his face. “You’re an asshole.”

 _That look_ , like Baekhyun wants to cry— Chanyeol’s only seen it a couple times, but he’s never actually seen Baekhyun let go of that look and cry his heart out. “What are you talking about?” he asks. It sound so fake and empty at this point.

“You—”

Junmyeon chuckles, clearly not grasping the situation. Jongdae sighs, as he tries to have Baekhyun lean on him instead. “Yeah, I know. I know… He’s an asshole.” Jongdae’s eyes search for Chanyeol for a brief moment and they flicker of something Chanyeol recognizes as killer intent.

“What have you done to him now?” Sehun’s the one asking, a reproaching tone to his voice that really doesn’t suit him. Even Kyungsoo is looking at Chanyeol now like he’s the culprit, and well, Chanyeol can’t do much but shake his head and pour himself a drink.

“Nothing,” he mutters, then he pours himself another when he’s done with the first.

“You left…” Baekhyun says, his face hidden into Jongdae’s shoulder, and Chanyeol feels a tight squeeze to his heart. So strong he thinks he could grab Baekhyun and kiss him right now, once more.

Everyone’s looking at Chanyeol by now, from Junmyeon to Jongdae. Everyone has realized where the conversation’s heading. The elephant in the room has gone unaddressed for so long it feels ridiculous to bring it up now, and yet it’s so Baekhyun-like. Chanyeol is amused.

“You left and you never took any of my calls...Then you changed your number and—” Baekhyun’s eyes are red and pooling with tears by now— it petrifies Chanyeol on the spot, he doesn’t know what to do.

“Before that you—” Jongdae pats Baekhyun’s shoulders, and when Baekhyun sits up a little, staring right at Chanyeol’s face, big heavy tears roll down his face. “You could’ve just said no. You could’ve told me you didn’t like me and left it at that but you—”

Jongdae pulls Baekhyun up, looking around quickly to verify that nobody’s been paying attention to them—  Baekhyun wasn’t being particularly loud, thankfully. He drags him towards the exit of the restaurant after sticking one thousand tissues to his cheeks.

“I can’t believe you made him cry again,” Jongdae mutters as the two of them leave— behind them, the awkwardest silence.

It comes back in waves, the guilt, as Baekhyun’s crying face imprints itself in the back of Chanyeol’s mind and he wonders when he’ll manage to get rid of that one, now. Especially now that he knows how much he loves Baekhyun, knowing he was the one who broke him is terrifying, it’s not something Chanyeol wants to feel ever again.

“So that’s what happened?” Kyungsoo asks with a vein of anger in his voice. It disappears though, when he notices that Chanyeol’s looking at his soju cup with this absent expression.

“He wasn’t wrong. I was an asshole,” he says after a while, with a smile that couldn’t fool anyone. His hands are clenching into fists under the table, that something gnawing at his insides threatening to get out, and yet unable to find what to feed on. Chanyeol can’t punch himself, and he can’t punch the table.

He grabs the bottle of soju and pours himself yet another drink, then he stops.

 

They get out of the restaurant not too much later, and although they would’ve preferred to stay longer, the atmosphere had felt incredibly heavy after Jongdae had taken Baekhyun out. They’d come back, after a few minutes. Baekhyun had almost completely passed out on Jongdae’s shoulder, and his eyes were still puffy and red from crying.

“I need to talk to him,” Chanyeol starts, when him, Jongdae and Baekhyun are the only ones left, in front of the restaurant. “The others want to go for a second round but… I don’t think he can and—”

Baekhyun sits on the sidewalk, head on his knees and Jongdae sighs, turning back to Chanyeol frowning. “He wasn’t fine from the start, right? He looked a little down, a little..not himself.”

“We kissed, the day of my birthday. Then it went to shit from there.” Chanyeol wishes he could explain it better, but there isn’t much more to say. Baekhyun had avoided every chance to speak to him until today, where he’d broken down before Chanyeol could try to, again, talk to him.

Jongdae’s face goes through a long, variegated types of expressions, then settles on a resigned one. “Before our CSAT was the first time I saw him crying. He never cried, even if you’d been an asshole to him for a while, but the week before CSAT, he broke down completely and I found him crying behind the school gym.” Jongdae pauses, focuses on Baekhyun and takes a breath. “He missed you so fucking badly that he was crying.”

There it is again, that tug at his heart, followed by a wash of guilt, sadness. Baekhyun was _miserable_ , because of him. And he knew, he must’ve known how Baekhyun felt and he chose to ignore it for...for what? Pride? Because he couldn’t accept that he liked him too? That he’d been liking him from the start?

“I didn’t know, you— “ he sighs, one more quick glance to Baekhyun. His brain is still so fuzzy— he feels this irresistible pull to look at Baekhyun only. And maybe hold him, and kiss him, and—  “You never told me.”

“I know I didn’t so… I don’t know Yeol. I told you to back off last time but now... Do I have to take him home to my place? You tell me.”

Any other sensible person would tell Jongdae that yes, he should take Baekhyun home because Chanyeol is stupidly drunk now and stupidly mad at himself and crazily in love with the idiot crouching on the floor. But Chanyeol isn’t sensible today. As already explained, Chanyeol’s drunk and feels terrible.

“I’m gonna fix this,” he reassures Jongdae, nodding. And maybe Jongdae must be a little too drunk too, because he leaves soon after, patting Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“Make sure he gets home,” he reminds him, like Baekhyun’s surrogate mother. Chanyeol snorts at that, and stumbles towards the sidewalk where Baekhyun’s sitting.

He imitates him, folding his arms on his knees and putting his heads on them. As soon as he closes his eyes all he sees are a lot of tiny shiny specks and a big, engulfing darkness. He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, but it feels nice. Warm. He thinks he sees Baekhyun in that long moments of nothingness, and that must be what kicks him out of it.

When he looks up, the street looks much more deserted than it was before, only a couple passersby. The restaurant’s still open, but a lot less people are sitting at the tables. He almost scares himself shitless when he remembers he was with Baekhyun, but when he looks next to him, Baekhyun’s still there, dozing off.

“Hey,” he shakes him, and Baekhyun looks up almost immediately. He still looks very drunk and very miserable, with those big puffy eyes and red lips. “I think we’re past subway time. Wanna pay for a cab?”

Baekhyun frowns, then shakes his head and rubs his eyes. “I like you so much,” he mumbles, almost fierce as he says it, though it doesn’t respond to Chanyeol’s question. “I like you so so much, can’t you sleep with me? Just once, mh?”

It slaps Chanyeol in the face with a force he doesn’t expect. “What?” he croaks out. “Byun Baekhyun no. What the fuck?”

“Not even once? But we kissed,” Baekhyun complains, then leans into Chanyeol’s shoulder and rubs his forehead against it. “We kissed and I like you a lot…”

“We’re drunk.” Chanyeol turns his head enough to meet Baekhyun’s forehead with the tip of his nose. “I think we should do this when we’re sober, if you let me talk to you, you know?”

Baekhyun meets his eyes with his slightly slanted, pitch black ones and the stare is so intense and straight that Chanyeol falters for a moment, wondering if Baekhyun isn’t a little bit lucid right now. He doesn’t have the time to process it, however, before Baekhyun presses his lips to his and throws to the flames all of Chanyeol’s sanity.

The kiss tastes like cheap liquor and sweetness, and Chanyeol’s heart starts drumming crazily into his chest, as he kisses back. He _shouldn’t_ be kissing back, but he’s drunk, Baekhyun kissed him first and Chanyeol has been wanting this for so long he didn’t even know.

Baekhyun slides his tongue along Chanyeol’s bottom lip, and Chanyeol unconsciously reaches for Baekhyun’s jaw, for the line of his neck and pulls them impossibly closer together— the warmth of Baekhyun’s body melting with Chanyeol’s, their breaths becoming shallower the more heated the kiss becomes.

It’s a sloppy, sloppy kiss. Baekhyun seems like he's rushing into it, like he wants to devour Chanyeol whole. Like he wants to keep him there and he’s terrified he’ll leave. He sighs into the kiss, as he clutches hard on Chanyeol’s coat and drags his tongue against his, sucks on it slightly— his brow furrowed and his eyes closed.

Their first kiss had tasted like alcohol too, and Chanyeol remembers it, the same desperation in Baekhyun’s touch.

Baekhyun draws back enough to let his lips just barely graze Chanyeol’s— their foreheads almost touching, their nose fitting one next to the others like perfectly matching pieces of a puzzle. “Please don’t say no today, please—” he pleads with such sadness and _want_ in his voice that Chanyeol can’t possibly push him back. He can’t reject him, he doesn’t want to.

He wants to kiss more, wants to intoxicate himself with the alcohol on the tip of Baekhyun’s tongue, and leave those lips swollen and kissed cherry red.

He takes a breath and another one, and he connects their lips again.

  
  
  


오랫동안 머물러줘 뼈 속까지 좋아하고  
간절해 간절해  
꼭 붙잡고 놓지마요 공기만큼 절실하고  
필요해 필요해

 

 

You decide to tell Chanyeol that you like him on a rainy day after an English test that you completely fluke, because you can’t concentrate on anything but Chanyeol’s profile and his hand, gripping on his pen.

It’s one month or so before CSAT, and you barely have any time for yourself. The studying, your parents’ expectations, the fact that you’re probably never gonna see your friends again in a few months— all of these things you feel like you’re all holding them to your chest, trying to keep them all under check. And you can’t help but fear that at some point one of them will slip between your fingers, and everything else will just come crumbling down as well.

Then, there’s your feelings for Chanyeol, hidden in a secret corner of your heart because they’re so fragile you’re terrified that they’ll get trampled the second you expose them. You keep them safe and secret, until you realize that it’s not only your friends — it’s not only Jongdae and Kyungsoo you won’t be seeing in a few months. It’s Chanyeol too.

It’s 30 days to CSAT, the clock is ticking and you need to tell him.

So you promise yourself to do so, the day the storm breaks, because you see him looking at you with those eyes, and it gives you hope.

Things don’t go as you planned, though.

Jongdae invites all of you to stay over, because his parents have gone to the south to visit a relative, and Jongdae knows where his brothers keeps the booze. You know for a fact that it’s a bad idea, because you’ve never gotten drunk before and it kinda scares you to lose control completely, but Jongdae sounds so reassuring and convincing when he tells you you’ll just drink _a little._

You don’t drink _a little_.

It’s only a bit after ten and there’s already three bottles of soju on the table, which you’ve shared amongst the four of you. Definitely too much soju for four teenagers who’ve never gotten drunk before, but Jongdae’s the charismatic one, and Kyungsoo always takes silent strikes against him, whenever you’re all doing something he doesn’t like— which just means he’s the only one not doing the thing.

Today, however, he’s drunk the soju with the rest of you, and joined all the alcohol game you’ve played to _spice things up_ , according to Jongdae.

You’re feeling sick by the end of the second bottle.

Your head feels like floating in the air, and it hurts slightly— as if someone was compressing your brain from the inside. You’re afraid to stand up, because you know you’d stumble. Everyone else must be feeling the same, but you’re all teenagers and you _have_ to pretend to be good at drinking, because that’s what teenagers do to brag.

Jongdae’s the smoothest one. He’s talking about something school related with Kyungsoo, and you end up wondering if he’s shared alcohol with Jongdeok before. Kyungsoo’s clearly drunk already, because he’s gotten way too talkative for his standards.

You have no idea if what they’re saying makes any sense, your brain is too fuzzy for their words to connect logically in your mind.

Chanyeol, next to you, has grabbed your hand and is playing with your fingers with a very focused face. Drunk Chanyeol is cute— the point of his ears are red, and he keeps hiccupping like crazy. He’s also kind of affectionate, since he keeps resting his head on your shoulder.

He’s a little more sober than the other two, but the alcohol is making him all giddy. You, on the other hand, feel more depressed and anxious than ever.

Your face feels warm, and your fingers on fire where Chanyeol’s touching them.

You stand up suddenly— you need some air, because the feelings you have for Chanyeol seem on the verge of spilling out of your heart, and you can’t allow that, not in front of drunk, eloquent Jongdae and drunk, talkative Kyungsoo.

You don’t expect Chanyeol to follow you and sit with you on the curb, but he does, his long legs extended in full length on the asphalt.

“Finally some fresh air ahh-!” he exclaims, stretching next to you and sitting back, his nose up to the city lights. “You’re all red, Baekhyun-ah,” he comments, shooting you a quick glance.

“It’s hot,” you reply, but you’re distracted. He’s distracting you, him, and your feelings. Your crush on him, your love for him making your chest feel tight and warm.

You think he’s so damn handsome like that, with his hair a bit wild and an oversized jacket. How can you find someone in a dirty t-shirt so attractive, you have no idea, but you do.

“Hey,” you try to get his attention, and he turn his face to look at you.

It’s stupid, but you’re not thinking when your hand reaches for his cheek and you connect your lips with his. It’s soft, his lips are soft and taste like cheap booze. His cheek is warm and you feel like your chest will explode from how much your heart is drumming into it, into your ears. You only tipsily think about what a mistake you’re making, giving in to something like this, that would cost you so so much, because Chanyeol’s so important to you, and-

You don’t know how long the kiss lasts, but it must not be too long, because when you’re whiplashed back to reality in a rush, you realize Chanyeol’s pushing your shoulders back hard. When you look up and you see that he’s looking at you with an expression you’ve never seen before on his face, you can physically feel regret and guilt bloom in your heart.

“I like you,” you whisper, and it hits you, what those eyes mean.

_Chanyeol’s disgusted._

You’ve never seen those eyes being directed at you— the sheer coldness in them. You’d hoped he’d never look at you like that. “I’m sorry,” you add, as your whole world crumbles under your feet.

Chanyeol tears his gaze away from you, stands up and goes back inside.

You’re shaking, as you crouch on the curb and try not to cry.

  
  


부디 내 마지막 숨을 거둬줘요  
마지막 시선에 마지막 손길에  
다른 이가 아닌 널 남길 수 있게  
니가 내 마지막 눈을 감겨줘요  
마지막 눈물에 마지막 기도에 널 남길 수 있게  
널 담을 수 있게 해

 

Chanyeol’s in a daze as they enter the love motel, and the elevator doors close behind him and Baekhyun with a quiet buzz. Baekhyun’s holding his hand strong, tight, as if he’s afraid Chanyeol will sprint and run— it’s a little sweaty, so very warm. Chanyeol never lets it go, holds it back with the same intensity because as much as Baekhyun’s desperate for him to stay, Chanyeol’s desperate for Baekhyun to forgive him.

Their room is the last on a long, quiet corridor, and Chanyeol swallows a little in anticipation, a little in nervousness as they reach it and Baekhyun’s the one who swipe the card to open it.

He looks like he knows what he’s doing, but Chanyeol has the feeling that the alcohol is giving both him and Baekhyun courage to take a leap of faith they would never take otherwise, if sober.

And yet, Baekhyun looks back at him with this playful glint in his eyes before entering. It makes Chanyeol’s heart go _zing_ , for a moment— he hasn’t seen that glint in Baekhyun’s eyes in a while. He missed it, _he missed him_.

“Hey,” Chanyeol calls him as they kick their shoes off at the entrance. “You’re really sure you want this?”

Baekhyun stops for a second, barefooted in the dimly lit room. He takes off his coat, tossing it somewhere on the floor. “Can’t you come here and kiss me instead?”

His lips break in a small smile as he tilts his head to the side, then he’s the one to come forward and grab Chanyeol’s sweater yanking him forward as the man tries to peel his coat off and letting it fall on the floor.

“I’m just-” he starts, but Baekhyun stamps a kiss on his lips. It’s quick, playful almost. Except that Chanyeol can feel how insistent the hands at his sweater are, how frenzied his grip feels.

“Don’t talk please,” Baekhyun murmurs against his lips— his breath sweet like poison, his eyes entrancing. Chanyeol covers Baekhyun’s hands with his, breathing out and leaning forward just enough to press his forehead against Baekhyun’s.

Baekhyun stops pulling, almost relaxing at the touch. His forehead is warm, just like his hand was. He’s burning like a small sun, right in front of Chanyeol. It doesn’t matter if it’s the alcohol, or if it’s just Baekhyun’s sheer desperation at this point. He’s like a small, human supernova on the verge of exploding.

And when Chanyeol touches him, Baekhyun hesitates, taking pleasure in the coolness of Chanyeol’s touch— it’s soothing almost.

“This is a bad idea, a bad idea, a very bad idea…” Chanyeol keeps muttering to himself, squeezing Baekhyun’s hand a bit harder and looking up to meet his eyes. Baekhyun stares back, his expression focused, as if trying to read Chanyeol’s next move, then he smiles a little again, and Chanyeol’s a goner, so he wraps his arms around Baekhyun’s waist and kisses him again.

Baekhyun kisses as if he’s drowning, in long, breathless kisses and short pants when he draws back for air. He holds on Chanyeol’s shoulder as Chanyeol hoists him up a little and shift the angle so that Baekhyun’s the one slightly elevated, looking down at him. “I can’t believe you’re actually kissing me,” Baekhyun murmurs directly against his lips— grazing them with his own, then stopping to suck at Chanyeol’s bottom lip with his eyebrows furrowed, eyes half closed.

Chanyeol can feel Baekhyun’s heartbeat against his own as he half carries, half drags him towards the bed. He barely even saw the room, barely turned the lights on. He only sees Baekhyun now, and Baekhyun seems to care about nothing else but him.

It’s obvious to some extent, and entirely frightening how quickly Chanyeol loses his mind when he kisses Baekhyun, and Baekhyun kisses him back— drags his tongue flat against Chanyeol’s, the bites at it playfully as he draws back a little. He’s smiling, carefree for a very brief second, so Chanyeol smiles back at him because he couldn’t get himself out of Baekhyun orbit, even if he tried.

Baekhyun’s still tipsy as Chanyeol sits on the edge of the bed with Baekhyun’s on his lap— Baekhyun only slightly pressing his crotch against Chanyeol’s and breathing out almost choked. He buries his head in the crook of Chanyeol’s neck as he presses down again, and this time, both of them are letting out a soft moan.

It’s still there in the back of Chanyeol’s mind, the big big signpost telling him this is the right moment to stop. However he’s too into Baekhyun to stop, he can’t push him away again. And in the hype the alcohol’s giving him, he’s really sure that maybe he could make it up for what he did in the past. Maybe if he loves Baekhyun enough, it’ll be enough to pay for his past mistakes.

Baekhyun kisses the side of Chanyeol’s neck long and determined, then retreats, panting. It feels like a goodbye kiss. And it seems that’s what it is. “I’ll be back.” He says, and hurries to the bathroom door, peeling off his hoodie and unbuttoning his pants, glancing back at Chanyeol with this fierce gaze that goes directly to Chanyeol’s groin and stays there even after the door closes.

Chanyeol thinks that maybe he should get washed too, but he loses track of that thought as he lets himself fall on the mattress. That thought is replaced by the expanse of Baekhyun’s back, the redness of his lips and the softness of his eyes. And it’s all fuzzy and beautiful, because the alcohol is making Chanyeol not think about consequences. How he’s probably going to lose all of this, in a couple of hours.

 

Chanyeol feels Baekhyun’s weight on him before he can open his eyes and see the boy straddling him, naked and beautiful. He’s turned off most of the lights, and his skin’s still damp— glistening in the almost darkness of the room. “I missed you,” Chanyeol murmurs as his hands reach for Baekhyun’s hips almost automatically.

Baekhyun smiles, and it’s soft this time, calm— he doesn’t look like he’s scared Chanyeol will leave, he doesn’t look sad. And Chanyeol’s stupid, drunk so that seems to be enough for him.

“I missed you so much,” he says, and maybe the first time he was talking about the time he took to shower, but now he’s talking about all this time he’s waited to have Baekhyun there. The time _he_ made happen.

Baekhyun chuckles, if out of tipsiness or amusement, Chanyeol doesn’t know. But he sits up to kiss that grin away and run his hands down Baekhyun spine, down the line of his shoulder blades and back to his hips. Baekhyun shivers, squeezing Chanyeol’s hips between his thighs and tilting his head back, when Chanyeol reaches to kiss his neck— all wet and sweet, and continue his tray of kisses all the way up behind Baekhyun’s ear.

He shivers again, his shoulders contracting a little “That’s ticklish, don’t do that—” he complains, but Chanyeol kisses there some more just to hear Baekhyun laugh because it makes him feel better, it makes him feel like it’ll be alright, that this is not a mistake.

He draws back a little when Baekhyun pushes his sweaters up to peel it off, focusing on Baekhyun’s hands, the little hesitation in his fingers. He helps him lifting his arms up until the sweater is gone, and the second he opens his eyes again, Baekhyun’s lips are on his.

This time the kiss is more languid, as he unbuttons Chanyeol’s jeans. He kisses thoroughly, deliberately, and his hands go back to curl on the back of Chanyeol’s nape, clutching at his hair as he rolls down his hips once more and moans into Chanyeol’s mouth.

“I’m so sorry,” Chanyeol murmurs when he retreats to breath in. “I’m so sorry, I’m an asshole Hyun, I’m sorry.” He keeps begging for forgiveness, lowering his head to kiss Baekhyun’s collarbone as his hand reaches for Baekhyun’s hard dick and he can feel him go impossibly tense, then relax the second Chanyeol thumbs around the tip and finally lets go.

Baekhyun lets out a shaky breath when Chanyeol does, he smiles in what Chanyeol seems to recognize as frustration. “You’re an asshole, yeah.” He says, coming off Chanyeol’s lap and crawling to the center of the bed in all his wild nakedness. “Now come here, kiss me some more, and maybe fuck me too? Mh?”

Baekhyun has always hidden shyness in bluntness, Chanyeol knows, and can’t help but find it just as endearing as he did years before. Pretty, in his wilderness.

He must sense Chanyeol’s amusement, because he sighs, looking away. “I don’t want to think about anything else, Yeol just…” He lays back, shamelessly spreading his legs on the duvet and waiting. “Wreck me, do whatever you want with me. I want to feel you, please.”

It rises inside Chanyeol like a tidal wave, the pure _want_ for this damn boy and his rough edges, and the beauty of them. The shakiness of his voice and the determination in his words. _Wreck me_ , he says, and maybe Chanyeol would be alright doing that, as he gets rid of his pants and hurriedly searches for condoms and lube in the pouch the motel provided.

He goes back to kissing Baekhyun, hovering over him— his forehead, his cheekbone. He presses himself against his chest wrapping his arms around Baekhyun’s waist, at first, then reaching for his ass and leaving his hands there. Baekhyun hugs him back, his arms searching for a grip on Chanyeol’s shoulders, as Chanyeol finally kisses him. He’s so close that in that mess of limbs and heartbeats and ragged breaths and soft lips and sweat, Chanyeol’s not so sure which one of the beats drumming crazily in his ears is his, and which one’s Baekhyun.

They stay like that for a long moment, just kissing. Baekhyun kisses with his lips a lot, which ends up making a mess of spit on Chanyeol’s mouth, and he would complain if he wasn’t so smitten. By the time Chanyeol stops to look up at Baekhyun’s eyes, they’re both hard and panting— their hips meeting halfway in peaks of pleasure sending Chanyeol’s senses haywire along with Baekhyun’s soft sighs.

Baekhyun pushes him back, “Condom,” he says, and he’s the one to put it on Chanyeol’s dick and coats it with lube. Chanyeol’s glad he does, because his hands are shaking and he’s suddenly second guessing himself because he’s naked on a bed with Baekhyun and they’re both drunk, and he loves Baekhyun so much that—

“Hey...Yeol.” Baekhyun reaches with his hand for Chanyeol’s chin, drawing him closer and kissing him soft once again. “I can hear you thinking too much. I’m here, c’mon. Look at me.”

Chanyeol does, and he must still be drunk, or stupid, he doesn’t know. But he feels his cheek flush when he meets Baekhyun’s eyes and he realizes Baekhyun’s slowly pulling him closer. “Of course I’m thinking too much, this is you? Ok?”

He frowns. “Fuck off,” he continues, when he hears Baekhyun chuckle first, then reach for one of Chanyeol’s nipples almost out of revenge. “You’ll be the death of me Byun Baekhyun,” he says.

He pushes Baekhyun to lay back, then leans in to kiss his hips, then the inside of his thigh. It’s soft, and Baekhyun’s skin is so warm and nice. Chanyeol bites there slightly, only to feel Baekhyun tense and curl his fingers in his hair. “But you’re so damn beautiful”, he murmurs. He hopes his words will stay there like a secret, with the kisses he just pressed on his skin.

His hands roam around Baekhyun thighs, the curve of his asscheeks and the cleft between them. He follows Baekhyun’s guidance as he coats his fingers with lube and reaches there tentatively with a finger. He feels like an idiot, wondering if the lube doesn’t feel too cold against Baekhyun’s warm skin, worrying whether he’s doing it right. Baekhyun whimpers somewhat in discomfort, but he relaxes as he gets used to the sensation.  

“It’s ok, just put it in,” he says, almost frustrated. “I want _you_ ,”

Chanyeol presses more kisses on his thighs, on his hip, on the tip of his dick. He spreads his legs some more, as if to make a point— it’s cute, endearing. It’s very Baekhyun. Chanyeol chuckles as he sits up again, palming Baekhyun’s dick just to see him curl his toes in the duvet and stretch on the covers like a very pleasured cat.

Having sex with a man is something Chanyeol has never done before, and maybe it’s that, or the fact that he’s having sex with his best friend that makes him so nervous. “Tell me if I do something wrong, Hyun. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Silly,” Baekhyun comments a little breathless, when Chanyeol keeps his legs spread and pushes in.

There’s a sharp intake of breath, that Baekhyun tries to cover with a broken chuckle. Chanyeol stops immediately at that, looking up, searching for confirmation in Baekhyun’s eyes. His thighs feel incredibly tense under Chanyeol’s fingertips, and he presses them gently, hoping to help somehow as he keeps impossibly still— his brows furrowed in concentration.

“Slow, Yeol. And more lube, it hurts,” It’s a command, a little breathless but a command.

Chanyeol nods like a child, hurries to coat his dick with more lube, and rubs some more between Baekhyun’s asscheeks just in case. When he pushes in, this time, he makes sure he’s closer to Baekhyun’s face, so he can kiss the pain away. He makes sure that he’s close enough so that Baekhyun knows _he has him_ , that he’s there through the pain. That he wants to turn that pain into pleasure.

He can feel the grimace once more, this time against his lips as he pushes steadily, slowly, until he bottoms out and lets out a moan— Baekhyun feels good, impossibly good, and he has to fight the urge to move, gripping at the duvet like a madman. Baekhyun lets out a groan of pain into his mouth, so Chanyeol lines the seam of his lips with his tongue, then drags the kiss to his cheekbone, to his temple, to Baekhyun’s eyelids. He hears one more whimper as he pushes Baekhyun’s hair back once more and kisses his forehead, sweet, then he feels Baekhyun’s talons push on his ass, urging Chanyeol to move.

“You alright now?” He has to ask.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says, reaching for Chanyeol’s face and cradling it between his hands. He presses Chanyeol’s forehead against his own, his eyes closed. He breathes in, when he whispers _move_ , so Chanyeol does.

He builds up a rhythm, trying to hold back the instinct to just ram inside Baekhyun fast and hard. He starts slow, his forehead rested on Baekhyun’s sternum, panting directly into it as Baekhyun’s drumming heartbeat resonates against his skin. Chanyeol’s had sex with other people before, but none of those times made him feel as vulnerable as he feels right now. None of those times felt as intimate. Baekhyun’s fingers carding through his hair, his quiet whimpers as Chanyeol pushes a little harder— Baekhyun’s so precious to him that Chanyeol feels like his chest will explode. He almost hopes it does,  in a weird, gory way, because at least Baekhyun could see what he does to him.

Chanyeol turns them around a while after, having Baekhyun straddle him so that he can ride his own pleasure at his own rhythm. Chanyeol has one hand clasped into his and the other on Baekhyun’s thigh, squeezing it hard until Baekhyun groans, midway between pleasure and pain. Baekhyun looks gorgeous above him, his face flushed all the way to his shoulders and his hair all sticking to his neck and forehead.

 _Wreck me_ , Baekhyun had told him. And he does look wrecked and weirdly beautiful like this, moving according to his own rhythm and getting more riled up, when he hears Chanyeol’s moans too. And any other day this would be enough for Chanyeol, but not today. Today Chanyeol wants to make him undone and swallow him whole. But he also wants to put him back together piece by piece, make sure every piece fits, seal them with kisses.

 _Feels good_ , Baekhyun murmurs in a moan, guiding Chanyeol’s hand to his chest in complete bliss until Chanyeol traces his nipple with his fingers. He watches Baekhyun shake above himself, hiding a smile at the corner of his lips.

“Ticklish?” He asks as he thrusts up just a little harder— it makes Baekhyun bounce and inhale sharply for the unexpected peak of pleasure.

“Yeah.”

Chanyeol chortles, and he thinks he couldn’t be more in love. He sits up, starting to rake his hand on Baekhyun’s skin— on his back, squeezing his ass. He kisses his neck, his jaw as he cradles his cheek in one hand. He guides Baekhyun’s movements, building up a much faster rhythm— Baekhyun’s breath is more and more shallow, ragged almost, his eyes squeezed shut.

Then Chanyeol reaches between them to touch him, and Baekhyun groans in retaliation. “Not yet,” he insists. “Not yet,” he repeats, breathless. And there it is again, the desperation. His eyes jut open, his fingers curl around Chanyeol’s wrist. “More, give me more Yeol, c’mon.”

Those eyes make Chanyeol worry, and that voice in the back of his head returns to break the moment. He sighs, kissing Baekhyun’s lips softly. “More, alright,” he reassures him, pushing Baekhyun until he’s lying down with his legs wrapped around his hips. “I’m here,” he says.

He doesn’t know what does it, but Baekhyun seems to finally let go, as he closes his eyes and presses his cheek against the duvet. Chanyeol start moving again, and whatever tension was building in Baekhyun’s body until that moment is gone. He unwinds completely, breathing deeper whenever Chanyeol hits a spot Baekhyun had been seemingly looking for earlier. His brows are furrowed and his lips are so red, so cherry red that Chanyeol’s can’t help but stare at them.

How much he loves Baekhyun scares him, between the surges of pleasure and that damn voice at the back of his head, telling him this was a mistake louder and louder, just as loud as his heartbeat.

It scares him so much that he dives in, draping himself around Baekhyun in such a vicious grip that he wonders if Baekhyun can breathe after all. It scares him so much that he tugs at Baekhyun’s bottom lip, biting it just hard enough for Baekhyun to moan, then he slips his tongue inside his mouth and kisses him senseless. And he hopes, he _prays_ , that this night is not their last.


	5. Chapter 5

어떻게 만나졌는데 얼마나 힘들었는데  
다시 만나지기까지 얼마나 돌아왔는데  
가지 말고 머물러줘 놓지 말고 날 잡아줘  
부디 함께

 

When Chanyeol wakes up in the middle of the hotel bed, his head is throbbing, he has the worst rancid taste in his mouth and — when he spreads on the mattress like a starfish feeling all sticky and gross— he realizes that the space next to him is very empty and cold.

It takes exactly one second for panic to build into him, yank him awake like a hook at his stomach and force him to sit up— eyes wide open and hesitant breath. “Baekhyun-ah?” He calls, but the room is not too big and Baekhyun’s clothes are not where he discarded them yesterday on the floor. 

Chanyeol throws the duvet aside as he jumps off the bed to grab his phone. The screen lights up to a couple of calls from his mother, but no messages from Baekhyun. Chanyeol even checks the bathroom, just in case, but clearly the room is empty except for him.

Chanyeol’s head hurts like crazy, as if someone banged it against a wall multiple times, but he’s lucid enough to remember the ominous feeling of the night before. That voice in the back of his brain is telling him how much of a big mistake he jumped into, that he was gonna lose Baekhyun and all that they’d built in these past three months.

He groans as he dials Baekhyun’s number, left with a very faint glimmer of hope that maybe he’s left to go to the convenience store, maybe he was hungry...anything that could excuse the fact that he’s not there.

When the call abruptly disconnects, however, reality hits Chanyeol in the face like a cold shower. Baekhyun’s gone because the night before had been a mistake, because he couldn’t forget Chanyeol for how much of an asshole he’d been back in highschool.  _ Who would forgive him, after all? _

He tries to call him again, but Baekhyun’s phone is turned off after that. “Shit-” Chanyeol mutters, as he throws his clothes on and runs out of the motel. It’s rush hour and the air is freezing when Chanyeol walks out on the street and tries to send a few messages to Baekhyun, hoping he sees them at some point. However the small one next to the text bubbles on the screen signals that Baekhyun’s not reading.

It’s funny, standing there on the crowded street like an idiot, he wonders for a moment if this is what Baekhyun had felt all those years back, when Chanyeol had disappeared after his confession. It had been agony for Chanyeol to keep himself away from Baekhyun, and at this point he doesn’t even know what he was scared of, what he was disgusted for. His fears from back then, when he was only a teenager and he didn’t know any better, they feel so insignificant now.

And yet they had so much weight back then. They must have  _ so much weight _ in Baekhyun’s memories. Chanyeol remembers avoiding Baekhyun after that night and that kiss. He remembers ignoring him only, to the point where the others had asked him whether they’d fought, what the matter was.

Baekhyun had completely failed his CSAT, and Chanyeol has to be taken accountable of that too. He wonders if Baekhyun’s life, if his life would’ve been different, if he hadn’t been such a coward. They could’ve been happier, if only…

Chanyeol breathes out harshly, shaking his head and looking once more at the screen of his phone with a frown.  _ Baekhyun-ah, where are you? Please, I just want to talk _ , he types as fast as he can as he waves his hand to stop a cab, his brain in overdrive and his heart thrashing.    
  
He can’t help but wonder if Baekhyun’s ok, if he’s not hurt, if he didn’t have an weird, sudden idea and he got himself into trouble. It’s silly, he knows, because he’s  _ certain _ that Baekyun’s just trying to stay away from him, but he can’t help it. He can’t help that constant churning at his stomach whenever he glances at the screen of his phone only to see that Baekhyun hasn’t read any of his texts.

It’s morning and Chanyeol has no idea when Baekhyun has left. He could be all the way to Busan by now, for all he knows. But Baekhyun’s always been the simplest person when he panicked, since when he was a teenager and he kicked the ball to the wrong door during soccer, all overwhelmed after a series of mistakes.

There’s not many places Baekhyun would go to seek for advice. 

He types a quick message for Baekbeom, then tries to call Jongdae, because that’s the best idea he can think of. The call connects, and it rings a few times, before Jongdae closes the call on him. 

Chanyeol frowns, trying again in confusion. He wonders if Jongdae’s hanging up on him because Baekhyun is there, or maybe he know something Chanyeol doesn’t. He works out every possible scenario in his head in less than two seconds, breathes out harshly and looks at the clock on his phone. 

It’s early enough for Jongdae not to be at school, so Chanyeol tells the taxi driver the directions for Jongdae’s house, and stubbornly hangs from the intercom until Jongdae doesn’t open the main door for him. 

Jongdae lives on the 13th floor of a very fancy building in a small studio his parents have provided him. It’s way better than where Baekhyun and Chanyeol live, and Chanyeol has teased him enough already about being rich and spoiled by his parents.

Today’s not the day for Chanyeol to think about these details, though. His leg shakes rhythmically in the elevator as he bites on his bottom lip, trying to call Baekhyun again— the phone’s still off, and Baekbeom hasn’t replied either.

Baekhyun can’t do this to him, Baekhyun  _ knows _ what this does to a person. He should know better not to disappear, not to ghost people. He knows how much it hurts. But then, again, the cynical part of Chanyeol’s brain tells him this is exactly what he deserves. Funny, Park Chanyeol almighty, who doesn’t care about anything and anyone, getting a taste of his own medicine. 

Jongdae’s very pissed off, leaning against the doorframe with a bedhead and a very questionable detective pikachu t-shirt. “My head fucking hurts, it’s way too early for you to be this active, idiot.”

“Is Baekhyun here?” Chanyeol asks, without being able to keep the worry away from his voice. The regret, the guilt, all of it resonates through his tone, reflects in his expression. 

Jongdae seems to hesitate for a moment, then he pushes himself away from the doorframe as if to let Chanyeol look inside. “Does it look like he’s here? I just woke up”, he replies, annoyingly. He yawns and looks unbothered, though Chanyeol recognizes the concerned tilt of his eyebrows when Jongdae gestures him to come in.

The house’s very dark— Jongdae hasn’t opened the curtains yet— but there’s a nice smell of fresh rice coming from the cooking area. “Didn’t you take him home, yesterday?” Jongdae asks as he scoops a bit of rice from the rice cooker, then pours some _miyeokguk_ for Chanyeol, along with some fried egg. 

“Did it look like I was gonna take him home?” Chanyeol asks, sitting down at the table and glancing at his phone again— still no message from Baekhyun. “And did he look like he would allow me to take him home? Shit he went all... Don’t tell me no, this time, and I couldn’t possibly, right?”

Jongdae leans against the counter, one eyebrow up. He grabs his phone from the kitchen counter, then brings it closer to his ear. “His phone is off.”

“I know.”

Chanyeol takes a spoonful of rice, then a sip of miyeokguk. “When did you have the time to prepare all this if you were sleeping when I called?”

“You fucked up bad last time, didn’t you?” Jongdae asks, coming to sit in front of Chanyeol at the table. He’s put some fried eggs in a dish for himself, but he’s just destroying them with his chopsticks as he looks at Chanyeol with the most sleepy face. “So you had sex.”

He says it so bluntly that Chanyeol’s taken aback, but he nods, checking his phone again in case Baekbeom replied. “I don’t know I...tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t talk, so I hoped...I don’t know-” he groans, burying his face in the palm of his hand. “I hoped he would get it, that I really like him, you know? I .. think I love him?”

Jongdae blinks once, twice, then he chortles looking away. “Wow, that took you...how many years?”

“Six, but that’s not the point.”

“Uh-uh. It is. But he’s probably panicking right now because he doesn’t know what you’re thinking. I mean, pretty sure he thinks you’re just taking pity on him.”

Chanyeol’s eyes go wide, as he points the chopstick to Jongdae’s face. “So it was you! Did you do some weird inception shit to plant this idea in his head? I’m not fucking taking pity on him, I like him for real, not because I’m deluding myself.”

“Except that...Look, I don’t know what exactly happened between the two of you because Baekhyun never told me.” Jongdae starts, before taking a mouthful of eggs and some bread. “I just know that he liked you, it was obvious to everyone. And then something happened and you weren’t even looking at him anymore. When before that, it looked like the two of you were a thing. Just sayin’”.

Chanyeol pushes his lower lip out, his gaze going back to the screen of his phone without really seeing it. “He kissed me and I...I don’t know, ‘Dae. I was eighteen and I thought my pride and reputation was important. And maybe I was scared because I liked him too, and we’re guys. We can’t like other guys.”

Jongdae hums in understanding. “Not the best excuse, but understandable.” He pauses, clicking his tongue in the back of his throat. “What about now. What changed now?”

Chanyeol looks up, playing with his rice absentmindedly.  _ What’s changed now? _ He stops for a moment to think about the rest of his life without Byun Baekhyun’s stupid  _ eheh _ laughter, the stupidly cute socks and all of Baekhyun’s unique quirks. The last two years of his life have been so  _ grey _ without Baekhyun, and now that he has him back...can he really do without him? 

“I don’t think I want to lose him again, that’s what’s changed. I guess I’m not eighteen and afraid to love him anymore.” He smiles a small, almost shy smile. His head still hurts and he keeps wondering where the hell Baekhyun went, but admitting something like this makes him feel like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. It’s easier to breathe, knowing what he wants.

And maybe he’s known for a while, but hearing himself saying it is  _ different _ .

Jongdae curls up his lips in a cheshire cat smile, the smile of someone who’s been there all along, and has seen it all develop right in front of his eyes. “You broke him pretty badly last time, you know?”

“Yeah. I’ll...I’ll do things properly this time around,” Chanyeol says, all determined— more to himself than Jongdae. Then he remembers the thin ring on Baekhyun’s fingers. it had been there even at the motel, though Chanyeol was too drunk to really think about it. “If he wants me, that’s it."

“I thought it was pretty clear he does when you were rolling in the sheets together yesterday night? He’ll take you. You don’t deserve him because he’s awesome and all, but he’ll take you.”

Chanyeol’s still doubtful, but he pushes the thought back as to something to ask Baekhyun and chuckles. Then the laugh softens in an affectionate smile, “Where would I be without you, Kim Jongdae?”

Jongdae stand up— his plate empty. “Probably dead in a ditch, or stuck in a sad, loveless marriage. So lift that inexistent ass from my chair and go look for ByunBaek.”

 

Chanyeol does go to look for ByunBaek some more. Him and Jongdae end up agreeing that trying the academy would be a good idea, since Baekhyun has an extra class this morning with one of the kids who’d missed the rehearsal recently. Jongdae also reassures Chanyeol that he’ll call him, if Baekhyun appears. It’s been a few hours already, and Baekhyun’s phone is still unreachable.

The academy is particularly empty on a Saturday morning. There’s only a couple of students chatting at the entrance, but Chanyeol barely sees them as he rushes up without even waiting for the elevator. He climbs the steps two at a time, his breath getting shallower the faster he tries to go, until he finally reaches the floor where Baekhyun usually has his classes and he takes a deeper breath.

Nobody’s there and the open classes are so eerily all empty and silent. Chanyeol almost expects, or maybe he just hopes that once he reaches the last room of the corridor he’ll see Baekhyun there, sitting at his piano, with that soft but determined face he does when he plays. 

He swallows in anticipation as he pushes the door open, but Baekhyun is not there either. The room is empty and there’s no one sitting at Baekhyun’s piano. Chanyeol sighs, entering the classroom anyway, distractedly touching the music sheets Baekhyun’s left spread open on the leggio. 

That’s when his phone rings and Chanyeol’s heart makes a somersault all the way to his throat, only to fall back again at his place. The screen reads Baekbeom, so he picks up immediately as he leaves the classroom.

“Hyung, I’m sorry if I bothered you…”

_ I didn’t even know you were back, Chanyeol. How’ve you been? _

Chanyeol walks down the corridor while updating Baekbeom about his military service and his life. He wonders how often Baekhyun sees his brother, if Baekbeom doesn’t know that Chanyeol has been back for around three, four months now. 

“Hyung, sorry for the awkward question, but is Baekhyun with you right now?”

Baekbeom sounds surprised in his reply.  _ He’s not _ , he says, and it confirms Chanyeol’s suspicion that Baekbeom doesn’t know about him, Baekhyun and their re-found connection.  _ I can call him for you _ , he adds a little confusedly, and Chanyeol agrees to that before saying goodbye and hanging up.

He sighs.  _ Baekhyun’s a mess _ , he thinks, walking past his own classroom and stopping in his step almost immediately. He turns on his heels and walks through his classroom door as if in a trance. The class is obviously empty too, the sun coming from filtering through the curtains and Chanyeol’s guitar leaning against one of the chair.

He doesn’t know why he does it, but he opens the front pocket of his guitar and  _ there it is _ , Baekhyun’s notebook. It’s the same he saw last time, nothing has changed— the same pieces of songs and scraps of lyrics. This time, though, he opens it to the last page and there it is. It’s a few lines they’d exchanged during different classes: a couple are Baekhyun’s handwriting, the others are written in Chanyeol’s one.

 

_ B: This class is so boring I wanna die  _

_ C: Don’t die _

 

_ B: Arcade tonight? _

_ C: Can’t, I’m grounded. _

_ B: Can I come over then? _

__ C: If you ask my mom  
  


There’s some more but Chanyeol can’t make sense of them. There’s even a couple of very ugly scribbles of Baekhyun. It tugs at Chanyeol’s heart in a pang of nostalgia for days when things were easier. All those days they’d spent sticking to each other like glue, sharing from stupidest secrets to all of their firsts. 

Baekhyun had been his soulmate since the second Chanyeol had walked inside his high school class and their eyes had met, he still was. And yeah, Chanyeol had hurt him.  _ He’d broken him _ , as Jongdae had said. But Chanyeol knows now he has to make sure he spends the rest of his lifetime making up for it.

Chanyeol stares at the notebook a little longer, then looks up. There’s one last place to check, and hopefully Baekhyun is there just as Chanyeol thinks.

  
  
  


There’s an old park behind the high school Chanyeol and Baekhyun used to go to. It’s not the biggest and back in the days, students from their school used to hide there to smoke. Chanyeol and Baekhyun used it as their meeting place after dinner. The park was close enough for both of them, so they sneaked out after dinner and met there to chat about everything and nothing. Baekhyun would sit on the swings or lay down on the benches, Chanyeol preferred the bottom of the slide.

When Chanyeol gets there, it’s already past noon and the park is deserted, except for a group of stray cats eating from some bowls that someone must’ve prepared for them, at the entrance. The park looks almost exactly the same, though Chanyeol doesn’t remember there being this many flower, in the past— also the wooden structure above the benches is new.

Baekhyun is sitting on the swings exactly like he used to do as a sixteen year old, drawing patterns in the gravel with the point of his shoes. He’s wearing his coat open and his hair is a mess, but he looks ok— sad, maybe, but ok, and Chanyeol can’t help but feel relief and anxiousness pool in his chest at the same time.

He walks in slowly and hopes to have a couple more seconds to gather his thoughts before they talk, because all his brain can process for now is that Baekhyun is safe and he’s fine and Chanyeol’s finally found him. However the park is so deserted that it’s quite easy for Baekhyun to notice that someone has entered it, so he lifts his head to check who it is and— his eyes widen in surprise. 

He doesn’t even try to hide it this time. And beneath that surprise there’s something more— it’s barely visible, and Chanyeol’s not very good at reading people. However, he’s been staring at Baekhyun’s face for a bit chunk of his life, and he just  _ can tell _ , that beneath that surprise there’s a spark of something else. Maybe happiness.

“How did you find me?” He asks, as Chanyeol slowly approaches. He sits on the swing next to Baekhyun. He used to prefer the slide, but he wants to stay as close as possible. He doesn’t want Baekhyun to doubt him again, to misunderstand.

“You’re not that unpredictable, Hyun,” he shrugs, with a little bit of bragging in his tone. It’s fake, because he breathes in, pushing backwards with his feet so that he swings back and forth, just a little. “I lied, I went all the way to Jongdae’s. Then to the academy, I even called Baekbeom hyung.”

Baekhyun keeps looking surprised, almost a bit flustered as his eyes look down to the gravel and the nonsensical drawing he’s made in it. 

“Then I found our old notebook back at the academy, and it came to mind that this place existed. I’d almost forgotten,” Chanyeol adds soon after, glancing at Baekhyun’s profile— at his nose, his stupidly big ears and bed hair. Baekhyun must have noticed, because he glances back for a second only, before looking at the points of his feet again.

“I’m sorry for yesterday,” Baekhyun says after a moment of silence. “For what I said when I was drunk, and kissing you and...the rest. I- I was drunk and I like you, so—” He shrugs, as if it’s not  a big deal, but he looks just a bit timid beneath the surface as he speaks. It’s cute that Byun Baekhyun, with all that charisma and flirtiness, can be as reserved as he is.

“No,” Chanyeol replies before Baekhyun can add anything else. He needs to clarify immediately everything, he needs to make things right and he can’t have Baekhyun apologize for things he doesn’t need to apologize for. “ _ I  _ am sorry for last night. And I am sorry for a shit-ton of things, but...last night, I only regret that we were drunk. I wanted to talk to you, but you were drunk and you didn’t want to. And I was drunk too and I couldn’t insist.” He pauses. “We’re both idiots.”

Baekhyun chuckles. “Still, I shouldn’t have-”

“Look, I like you. I love you. I kissed back. And did..” Chanyeol’s arms flail midair before frustratingly going back to his knees. “All the rest too. And no, I didn’t do all of it out of pity. I did it because I love you so please get that shitty idea out of your pretty little head. Thanks.”

Chanyeol’s words are met with total silence, and he doesn’t realize what he just said until he looks up to check on Baekhyun’s reaction. The boy’s staring at him with this confused half smile, his head tilted to the side like a puppy. “You  _ love love  _ me?”

“Ah.” Chanyeol says, frowning.  _ That _ . “Yeah. I guess, I _ love love _ you.” He stands up, stretches his arms above his head and looks up to the sky. “I think I have loved loved you for a really long time and I was too much of a coward to admit it.” He looks back at Baekhyun, with his arms up framing his head. “Which reminds me, I’m sorry for what happened back when we were kids. And I’m sorry I just acted like I didn’t need to apologize, once I was back.”

Baekhyun’s lips thin out in a small line, between overwhelmed for the confession and  on the verge of saying something.

“Say it, let it out,” Chanyeol encourages, turning to stand in front of him. He deserves to hear it all, and Baekhyun should be allowed to just speak his mind, tell him all those words left unsaid in the past few years.

“I-” He starts. “I missed you a lot, back then. I was mad at you, but mostly I missed you. I could never really hate you because...I think I understood why you did what you did. It hurt me really bad but I did...I did understand.”

He meets Chanyeol’s eyes, smiles again— this one smile is not a sad one. “And I partially think it hurt you too. I’m too fabulous not to be missed.” He chuckles, and it’s genuine this time. “But it’s forgiven, Yeol. You’re here and...if you  _ love love _ me…”

It’s Chanyeol’s time to snort now, as he walks closer to the swing and grabs the chains at its side, caging Baekhyun in between. “If I love love you what?”

“Then you have a three year and six month old debt you can repay in cuddles and good sex. If by saying that you  _ love love _ me, you also mean you want to date me, that is.” And there he goes again, looking between embarrassed and insecure. It reflects in Baekhyun’s droopy eyes, and in the corners of his smile. 

“Wait, what about the Yixing dude?” Chanyeol asks, his eyes inevitably falling on the small silver band around Baekhyun’s fingers. 

“Uh?”

“Yixing, weren’t the two of you, you know. A thing? Or fuck buddies? I don’t know.” Chanyeol clears his throat, looking away because he can’t say mushy things looking directly at Baekhyun’s face without imploding. He’s  _ that smitten _ . “So if we date, you have to end it with him, I mean…”

“Yixing and I have broken up six months ago. The last time I slept with him was the night before that morning when you and Jongdae came to see me. We’ve been just friends after that. I— he knew I’d been liking someone else for a while. What are you talking about?” Baekhyun explains it as if it was the most natural thing, and it matches what Jongdae had told Chanyeol, but— 

“But the ring?”

“The ring?” Baekhyun lifts his hand to look at it and indeed, there’s a small ring there. He looks at it like he’s seeing it for the first time. “It’s my friendship ring with Sehun…? He never uses it though.”

_ A friendship ring _ . Chanyeol had been stressing over a friendship ring  _ with Sehun _ for months. “I thought—” he sighs. “I thought it was a couple ring. Why do you have a friendship ring with Sehun and not with Jongdae?”

“Jongdae said it was too gay.”

Chanyeol snorts. It does sound like Jongdae. “Fair enough. So you’re free? I can start paying back the debt in cuddles and good sex?”

Baekhyun’s eyes glint in amusement and he looks so completely happy, Chanyeol’s heart is so full it might burst. He’s gonna make sure that Baekhyun  _ stays _ that happy, or at least he can try. 

“I’d like a kiss, for a start,” he demands all determined and fierce, as if he’s leading. Maybe he is, maybe he’s been for a long time. And it’s fine, because that’s how Baekhyun is after all, a lethal mixture of softness and bravado. 

“I can do that,” Chanyeol says, and he leans in— still holding on the swing chains, to meet Baekhyun’s lips with his. Baekhyun’s hand slides up so that his fingers circle Chanyeol’s wrist, and the other moves to curl itself in Chanyeol’s hair. Every curve of Baekhyun’s lips feels familiar by now, every movement of his tongue against Chanyeol’s. But this time there’s no voice screaming in the back of Chanyeol’s head, no fear or guilt. Just his love for Baekhyun and his lips, soft but a little bit chapped.

When Chanyeol draws back, Baekhyun’s all smiley, he could be shining like the small sun he is, for what Chanyeol knows. “I detracted one kiss from your debt, something around 3 billions left.”

Chanyeol smiles, lacing their fingers together and bringing Baekhyun’s knuckles to his lips for a brief kiss. “I can live with that.”

  
  


They meet Baekbeom as they walk back home, hoping to stop by Chanyeol’s to eat some lunch. Next to him, all thickness and fluffiness, is Mongryong. He wags his non existent tail when he sees Baekhyun, stumbling around his legs and jumping at them, resting his paws at Baekhyun’s shins.

“Oh, you found him?” Baekbeom asks Chanyeol, hinting at Baekhyun with a tilt of his head.

Chanyeol’s a bit flustered, because him and Baekhyun are still holding hands, even if Baekhyun’s crouching to aggressively pet Mongryong. “Yeah— yeah I did.”

“You can have Mongryongie back, Baekhyun-ah. I came to make sure you have all the stuff for him.” Baekbeom explains, claiming Baekhyun’s attention with a flick at the top of his head. Baekhyun flinches, and he lets go of Chanyeol’s hand to rub where it hurts.  “So you guys are friends again now?” Baekbeom asks, as Chanyeol ruffles the back of Baekhyun’s head.

Baekhyun nods, taking Mongryong’s leash in his hand and lacing his fingers through Chanyeol’s. “Not exactly, but...Kind of,” he replies, all cheeky. Chanyeol squeezes back and Baekbeom just nods, oddly amused.

As they leave him behind, with Mongryong leading the way and Baekhyun’s hand warm, soft in his, Chanyeol can’t help but look at Baekhyun’s profile from the corner of his eyes and think that time hasn’t changed him. He still looks like the same teenager Chanyeol used to walk back from school with, just like Chanyeol, after all, is still the same Chanyeol who’d ran after Baekhyun that sunny day, just to introduce himself.

Maybe things will still scare them, make them hesitate. Maybe what happened years ago will be thrown back into their conversations one day, used as a weapon. And maybe Chanyeol will feel that guilt again, sometimes, and Baekhyun will feel that scar hurt a little. But it’ll be a dull pain, like when old wounds act up in the winter, because even though they had the past, they were also gifted with their present. 

In the light of the winter afternoon, with Baekhyun’s laughter exploding in a thousands specks of light, Chanyeol thinks that even though it had been Baekhyun to find him all those years back smoking in that storage room, this time it was different. This time they’d found each other. 

  
  



	6. EPILOGUE

The New Year Concert of Music Lab Academy is held in A. University Theater, a few days before Christmas. It’s expected to be a relatively big event, since Bae Joohyun’s academy has quite the reputation among the other music schools of the same level, but despite being aware of this detail, it’s still a little overwhelming for Chanyeol to see the theater so full, from backstage.

He and Baekhyun have been doing fine, except that having close to no personal time because of the concert, the two of them have resolved to essentially live at Baekhyun’s house with Mongryong, so that it’s easier for them to have time together, and be able to handle the rest as well.

Plus, if they can sneak a kiss every now and then when nobody’s looking, that’s usually enough to recharge both of their batteries. 

Chanyeol could use a kiss right now, since Hyunjin has been threatening to throw up for the last ten minutes and Changbin is nowhere to be seen — probably held hostage by Jiho, on the other side of the backstage.

“I think I’m gonna vomit for real,” Hyunjin whines, his head caged between his knees and his eyes closed. Chanyeol keeps a plastic bag in front of his mouth, just in case, and gently taps his shoulder once, twice— his eyes looking for Baekhyun among the students.

He finally finds him, all the way to the back of the small space behind the theater stage, talking to a girl Chanyeol recognizes as one of his students. He’s listening to her, but he must sense Chanyeol’s gaze on him, because he meets his eyes and smiles. He mouths  _ coming over _ , and goes back to listen to the student. Chanyeol can see him talk back, then start walking towards him and Hyunjin.

He’s wearing a suit tonight and his hair is all combed up in some sort of wave away from his forehead. Chanyeol doesn’t know how Baekhyun did the magic, but he looks so handsome that it threatens Chanyeol’s sanity for a moment.

“Everything alright?” Baekhyun asks, crouching to check on Hyunjin with a slightly worried expression. “Breathe in, come on. It’s gonna be fine.”

“He always has stage fright,” Chanyeol explains. He’d heard from Yonghwa hyung about it months earlier, but he’s only seeing it now for the first time. Meanwhile Baekhyun has stepped back, enough to be right new to Chanyeol, even a little too close for his standards. Then, Chanyeol feels him trying to link his pinky finger with his, and tenses all up right when Hyunjin groans.

“I can’t do this,” Hyunjin says, and there’s a small inflection at the end of his voice that makes Chanyeol wonder if he won’t really throw up.

“Think of the people on stage as potatoes,” Chanyeol casually suggests, his thumb running on Baekhyun’s knuckles. “That might help, that’s what I do at least.”

He realizes he might have said something extremely stupid, because Baekhyun has given him the  _ I’m staring at you in disbelief _ stare, and Hyunjin is lifting his head really slowly, like in a horror movie, to look at him. 

“ _ Ssaem _ , seriously? How lame are you?” Then he seems to notice something, something that makes him forget about stage fright and stomach problems. “And I’m glad that you made up, but can you not be lovey dovey mushy in front of me, please? Ehw.”

Chanyeol goes all red, just as expected. He feels the point of his ears go very warm and he would almost pull his hand back, if Baekhyun didn’t shamelessly lace their fingers instead, and didn’t loudly kiss the back of Chanyeol’s hand. 

“Sorry, Hyunjin. I’m gonna be very mushy instead. You can be mushy with your boyfriend in front of me too, I won’t complain. Shall we call him?”

He turns around, and Chanyeol’s almost sure Baekhyun wouldn’t yell looking for Changbin right now, but he’s glad when Hyunjin stops him by grabbing the corner of his jacket.

“We can go to double dates if you want,” Baekhyun adds and that’s how Chanyeol discovers how shameless and stupid happy Baekhyun is. Not that he didn’t know already, he just temporarily forgot. Hyunjin pretends to puke in the plastic bag. 

 

The concert is nice, and Chanyeol gets to see him from a spot at the very end of the theater, behind the public, after giving his students all the necessary directions. They make a few mistakes here and there, but it’s nothing important. The songs he and Baekhyun had arranged together are played at some point, and Baekhyun rests his head against Chanyeol’s shoulder even if the songs are not ballad and it’s not the right atmosphere.

Chanyeol doesn’t care, however, because he’s been given so much love in the past few weeks and he’s given so much back that he regrets nothing. e takes whatever Baekhyun decides to give him, be it a kiss or his forehead resting on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

Joohyun’s watching the performance next to the two of them, and she keeps throwing Chanyeol these mischievous grins whenever him and Baekhyun even look at each other. She enjoys every second of their interactions, and by the end of the first part of the musical she leans in to whisper into Chanyeol’s ear “Finally. Now smooch.”

They don’t smooch, not in front of her— Baekhyun is still a bit touchy when it comes to Bae Joohyun, and Joohyun seems to know and tease him for it, only sometimes. 

 

The concert is a success, and the music is so loud it resonates inside Chanyeol’s ribcage. Baekhyun’s standing right in front of him as Chanyeol’s draped on the back of his shoulders, like he did in high school. Except that this time Chanyeol’s not afraid to scoot a little closer in the darkness of the theater. Except that this time their hearts beat in unison. 

 


End file.
